Household chores

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

My husband never needed a list until we had kids. I think he has a lot of subconscious programming that anything related to kids is a female task. He's not like this with anything else. I clean more than he does but he cooks more than I do. We split non-kid admin pretty evenly. Sometimes we disagree about how frequently or well something has to be done but that's a personal preference thing.

But if I want him to do ANY kid-related activity, I have to assign it to him, explain how to do it, and he will often still ask for help or get frustrated and give up and just leave it for me anyway. It's really frustrating. At this point he will do tasks that fairly basic where I've done all the prep work. Like he'll make lunches IF I have already figured out what is going in them and bought everything and prepped it. Or he'll do drop off or pick up but I have to learn all the logistics about how it works and give him step by step instructions -- he will refuse to do it the first day or week of school or an activity because he claims he doesn't know how and will "get it wrong." I've explained to him that I was not born knowing how to sign kids out of camp and that I too mess these things up sometimes and just learn by trial and error, but he doesn't acknowledge that.

I'm spent a long time trying to find kid-related tasks that he can just own to take them off my plate, but he always finds a way to push them back on me. So all that's left is for me to assign him discrete tasks and, if necessary, show him how to do them or do all the prep to help him do them. It's not equal and I really feel the "invisible labor" aspect of parenthood so often I'm doing 95% of something but he's doing "last mile delivery." But we're too far into to do anything about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is anyone happy with how household chores are divided up in their house? Im stuck with doing all of the administrative tasks related to the house, kids, finances, etc - I get it done during the work day-- sometimes it's 15 minutes and sometimes it's 2 hours. Its basically unseen labor. Id be fine with it if DH also pulled his weight in other areas like yardwork, fixing things, etc. but that doesn't happen.

I do the stuff you mentioned myself. We hire out yard work, have a cleaning service and hire a handyman/other professionals as needed. In a perfect world we’d divvy up chores equally but DH just doesn’t like doing any of that and the arguments created a lot of unpleasantness. He’s a great husband and provider and is fully involved with anything pertaining to the kids, so I’ve chosen to pick my battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he outearn you? or are you equal?
Lower income spouse should do more

This is so dumb. I’m the high earning wife. I make 75-90% of our income. I don’t have my husband doing all the home stuff. We are 50/50 and very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

It's also a huge turn-off when you don't communicate what you actually need from your spouse and expect them to read your mind.

Oh please. People can visibly see a diaper that is about to bust, can hear when kids complain of hunger, basic parenting responsibilities but when they choose not to do anything about it is when it's effed up, most especially after being told each time Mom is out of the house.

OK I guess choosing to say nothing and being miserable is a much more desirable outcome.

LOL I'm not the OP or even a PP as this was my first comment. But with my husband I have said over and over again to please change the kid's diapers and feed them more than letting them get their own crackers or fruit snacks. Not talking gourmet, simply heating up something frozen like nuggets or Mac and cheese with some frozen veggies. Too hard of an ask, apparently.

Is this supposed to mean something to me? You picked him lady. Either work with what you have or divorce him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is anyone happy with how household chores are divided up in their house? Im stuck with doing all of the administrative tasks related to the house, kids, finances, etc - I get it done during the work day-- sometimes it's 15 minutes and sometimes it's 2 hours. Its basically unseen labor. Id be fine with it if DH also pulled his weight in other areas like yardwork, fixing things, etc. but that doesn't happen.

I'm happy with our split, but 1) I married a doer, not someone who is always trying to get away with shirking, and 2) we have a system that prioritizes us having equal downtime without a lot of bean counting or tit-for-tat: basically if one of us is doing something chore-like, then the other one should be too. When we were just living together, that would mean something like if he's loading the dishwasher I'm running the vacuum so the chores get done faster and we're able to sit down at the same time and watch TV together. Now that we have kids it might mean he's making dinner and I'm getting baths handled, or he's mowing the lawn so I'm stripping all the beds and starting laundry. It's become second nature to us and doesn't leave room for resentment as one person runs themselves ragged while the other scrolls Instagram in the bathroom or plays video games to "unwind" or something.

I work from home and he's RTO, so I do a lot of stuff that could be "invisible" while he's at work (laundry, getting dinner started, pickup and dropoff), but since the thing that matters to me is equal downtime it all evens out. I wouldn't voluntarily take on a commute to get out of doing laundry, for instance. I'd rather be home in workout gear with the responsibility of remembering to pull something out for dinner at lunchtime than going downtown (and so would he).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he outearn you? or are you equal?
Lower income spouse should do more

Incorrect. Spouse who has more time at home does more. If you are both away from the house 9 hours a day then you both do equal chores. Just because I make more than my spouse doesn't make my free time more valuable than theirs.

Agreed! There were stretches where I took time off (after birth of children) and even went part time to help manage a kid’s medical issues while DH was new in his job. Now that we work / commute the same amount of time it wouldn’t be fair to say that I have to do more since I earn less. Why should my DH get to go to the gym or read or play video games while I make dinner and clean the kitchen and stay up super late?

It’s hard for me to tell in my marriage how well we’re doing at dividing things - I do the things above, we don’t have home maintenance (rent an apartment), and I do a lot of the mental labor (planning vacations, birthday parties, scheduling appointments etc). But my husband manages most household laundry and almost all driving (attending appointments, school/ camp drop offs; soccer drop offs etc) because his leave time is more flexible than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here seem to think they are Kindergarten teachers trying to schedule and divide up chores and stuff.

Just do it.

Yeah.. Don't understand giving a grown ass adult a list of things to do.. Do they not have eyes? Not know what needs to be done - cleaning, errands wise? Are they even an adult?

Playing momma' /teacher/taskmaster to you spouse ..That's a huge turn off. Huge Red flag.

My husband never needed a list until we had kids. I think he has a lot of subconscious programming that anything related to kids is a female task. He's not like this with anything else. I clean more than he does but he cooks more than I do. We split non-kid admin pretty evenly. Sometimes we disagree about how frequently or well something has to be done but that's a personal preference thing.

But if I want him to do ANY kid-related activity, I have to assign it to him, explain how to do it, and he will often still ask for help or get frustrated and give up and just leave it for me anyway. It's really frustrating. At this point he will do tasks that fairly basic where I've done all the prep work. Like he'll make lunches IF I have already figured out what is going in them and bought everything and prepped it. Or he'll do drop off or pick up but I have to learn all the logistics about how it works and give him step by step instructions -- he will refuse to do it the first day or week of school or an activity because he claims he doesn't know how and will "get it wrong." I've explained to him that I was not born knowing how to sign kids out of camp and that I too mess these things up sometimes and just learn by trial and error, but he doesn't acknowledge that.

I'm spent a long time trying to find kid-related tasks that he can just own to take them off my plate, but he always finds a way to push them back on me. So all that's left is for me to assign him discrete tasks and, if necessary, show him how to do them or do all the prep to help him do them. It's not equal and I really feel the "invisible labor" aspect of parenthood so often I'm doing 95% of something but he's doing "last mile delivery." But we're too far into to do anything about it now.

You sound quite intense and must be a handfull to handle. Saying that so that you might reflect on your own shortcomings and obsessive thoughts and better your marriage. (Look at that wall of text!)