Could you tell when you were younger that your parents hated being a parent? How obvious?

[Anonymous]

-I noticed that my father kissed my mother in an obligatory way when I was a teenager - distinctly remember thinking "I'd rather be single then be married to a man who kisses me that way".

-I was a senior in HS when I realized not every girl is physically afraid of her father.
-I was in my late 30's when I realized some parents GENUINELY enjoy their kids. My cousin was visiting with her husband and three kids and we were talking about when we went to sleepaway camp, and my cousin said she wouldn't let her 9 yr old go because she'd miss her too much. It made me realize our other cousin also really liked HER two kids, which made me realize my parents hadn't enjoyed me, or parenting. They did it because they honor their commitments, but they were not having fun at all. Just going through the motions.

[Anonymous]

I first felt it in 1st grade. I was upset about not being cast in the school play but my brother was, and there wasn’t time to find me a dress for Christmas. And instead of comforting me or trying to cheerfully make the best of it, I could tell my mom was just mad that I had feelings. Later she would not keep enough food in the house and would make me sit next to her while she paid bills and let me know how much she resented the expenses.

She took to napping for 2 hours after work every day all throughout middle school and high school and that was her way of checking out of parenting.

[Anonymous]

My mom had (still has) way too many untreated mental and physical health issues to actually enjoy anything, much less being a parent. Seeing her smile or enjoy anything was one of those things that was like … we shouldn’t be seeing this, this isn’t right. Like an 85 degree day in February in DC. It’s pleasant but deep down it feels wrong.

I believe my dad could have enjoyed being a parent with a different partner and a different set of life circumstances. But it’s difficult to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They neglected me. They called me by my brother's name. I am a woman. They would feed me 1 meal a day.

You don't have kids or more than one kid, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I first felt it in 1st grade. I was upset about not being cast in the school play but my brother was, and there wasn’t time to find me a dress for Christmas. And instead of comforting me or trying to cheerfully make the best of it, I could tell my mom was just mad that I had feelings. Later she would not keep enough food in the house and would make me sit next to her while she paid bills and let me know how much she resented the expenses.

She took to napping for 2 hours after work every day all throughout middle school and high school and that was her way of checking out of parenting.

I think a lot of women need 10-12 hours of sleep in their 40s. Maybe that’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't really realize it until I was adult. Probably when I had my own kids and realized that they aren't an inconvenience to me -- I love taking care of them.

+1 I always knew because my parents basically didn't do the job. Like no parenting at all, other than meals and a roof over our heads. My parents didn't even know me or what was going on in my life. It was obvious they didn't care and my mother especially made comments about being an active mother like that was for chumps.

I love my kids and I love parenting and it is the most important thing I've ever done. My parents put everything else before being a parent. Our needs were always last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from another country, the government paid my family to keep me as the sole child, and my dad has free housing as university department head. My mom didn’t have to drive, provide moral support, pay for anything substantial, I ate at the school cafe twice a day annd skipped breakfast, wore uniform year round. yet she still hates me.

I'm sorry. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could tell my parents prioritized work, 100%.

The strangest part about that is that I was a fully planned child.

Yet I would be forced to go to school sick, because neither wanted to miss work. I was sent to school with the chicken pox. My mom sent me, telling me to tell them it was mosquito bites if they asked! I remember sleeping in the counselor’s office in high school when I had the flu, because my parents weren’t available to pick me up. One time I threw up in the hallway in third grade and HAD to be picked up, and I recall feeling so guilty about it.

My parents never came to any school event ever. I was the kid searching out into the audience, disappointed as usual. In high school my mom came to one final performance, and then complained about it afterwards.

Logistics were always a problem. They complained constantly about who was going to watch me, or pick me up, or take me here or there, because they couldn’t miss work, HUGE assignment, whatever. I always felt like a burden and afterthought.

I mean, someone has to work. They were likely trying their best. Cut them some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could tell my parents prioritized work, 100%.

The strangest part about that is that I was a fully planned child.

Yet I would be forced to go to school sick, because neither wanted to miss work. I was sent to school with the chicken pox. My mom sent me, telling me to tell them it was mosquito bites if they asked! I remember sleeping in the counselor’s office in high school when I had the flu, because my parents weren’t available to pick me up. One time I threw up in the hallway in third grade and HAD to be picked up, and I recall feeling so guilty about it.

My parents never came to any school event ever. I was the kid searching out into the audience, disappointed as usual. In high school my mom came to one final performance, and then complained about it afterwards.

Logistics were always a problem. They complained constantly about who was going to watch me, or pick me up, or take me here or there, because they couldn’t miss work, HUGE assignment, whatever. I always felt like a burden and afterthought.

This makes me sad and I see it all around us. I bet a lot of upper middle class kids feel this way. They are exhausted from going from home to school to after care,summer camps. Never any down time. And their parents are proud that they maintained their careers while "being a parent." No you didn't. Something had to go by the wayside and it was your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was around 6 or 8 years old. My mom complained all the time about how hard it was to me a mom for us kids. She also told me I was unplanned, and that the doctor said it was okay to just let me cry and not attend to my needs as a baby. I grew up knowing this.

Later when I was a mom, I realized how terrible it was for her to tell me that, as a child or even if I had been an adult. But it helped me understand why I had been messed up in relationships, why I never felt I was adequate etc.

My my told me I was "an accident" when I was 12. And when I was about 30 she said that "your dad wanted to have you." Not a way to raise children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom started to hate me when I turned 13 and started to socialize and make friends that were outside of my nerdy group. She used to tell me that it all went downhill from then. I played competitive sports and never saw her at my games. I moved away for college and she never visited me.

And you didn’t hate her at 13? Bullshit

It's normal, even expected, to hate your mother when you're 13. It's not normal for the mother to be so insecure that it damages the relationship forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They neglected me. They called me by my brother's name. I am a woman. They would feed me 1 meal a day.

Eh, I got called both my brother's name and the dog's name. No big deal on that. The one meal a day thing is neglectful as hell though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me she had the abortion scheduled but there was a snow storm and that's how i came to be

Your mother is a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was around 6 or 8 years old. My mom complained all the time about how hard it was to me a mom for us kids. She also told me I was unplanned, and that the doctor said it was okay to just let me cry and not attend to my needs as a baby. I grew up knowing this.

Later when I was a mom, I realized how terrible it was for her to tell me that, as a child or even if I had been an adult. But it helped me understand why I had been messed up in relationships, why I never felt I was adequate etc.

My my told me I was "an accident" when I was 12. And when I was about 30 she said that "your dad wanted to have you." Not a way to raise children.

As evidenced in the post right above yours. Sad.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to read about the experiences folks in this thread had.

It was obvious to me that my parents were working their behinds off, but I did not understand how much of that was about parenting specifically until being a parent. They still have never explicitly said it (and I don't think they would, because they don't resent it). You deserve that too.