What do you do with your low effort kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6-year-old who doesn't give much effort in any sport they've tried. Has anybody had a kid like this who grew out of it? Or is it just that our kid is not athletically inclined? If it's the latter, do we adjust our expectations and find a few physical activities that are the least intrusive to our family's schedule so they can develop some fitness and focus on other things?

I figured this was going to be about a 12 year old but six?? Maybe for your six year old it’s too rigid and organized. A six year old doesn’t need a 45” controlled class to develop fitness.

Six year olds develop control and exercise by playing. The playground, bikes, swimming, running, roller skating, playing games with balls. If the parent really is concerned about health they would put in the work. Find some bike trails even if you have to drive to them and both ride your bikes. Run or walk together to the playground. Play ball together. Dance together. Get some other kids involved if you prefer and play backyard games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. OP here. I didn't have crazy expectations, but since DH and I are both athletic and model that for our kids, I expected we'd find some sport that they'd like enough to exert themselves and put some effort into it. To a poster above, they enjoy one sport because they have friends they look forward to seeing, though they don't try, and they are also disruptive to other kids. We'll keep trying.

What do the three of you do together for fun?

[Anonymous]

My daughter played a bunch of sports growing up and loved the social aspects of being on a team, but never really cared or tried about the outcome. She started a new sport her freshman year that she loved, she still enjoyed the team, but she really dedicated herself to improving in that sport and tried super hard. She is now playing that sport in college (D3).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lack of motivation at such an early age can be tie to 2 things: -Revolting for not feeling like they are in control of the things they are participating in...i.e. did you make the decision for him, pick the sport and just sign them up or did he have say in the matter? The 2nd thing is a lack of reward for their effort. The reward can either be external or internal at the younger ages. 6 year old can get excited about activities when they are rewarded. (We rewarded our DD with candy for "playing" the sport we wanted at home. It was truly play, she loved the candy. This resulted in her wanting and saying "yes" to playing Rec Soccer later and she was shy at first but then later tried hard at it.
-BTW, we still give her candy at age 12 for trying hard at stuff.

…or genetics. Some kids are just lazy. My son was lazy as a kid and remains lazy as a young man. He played the sports he wanted to play and just never tried. Never ever practiced on his time. Delusionally thought he could just show up at try-outs and be fine. He was always the worst on the team but since we paid money and the school essentially had no cuts he’d make the team. No matter what we tried we couldn’t motivate him to put tons of effort into anything… except video games and watching football on TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6-year-old who doesn't give much effort in any sport they've tried. Has anybody had a kid like this who grew out of it? Or is it just that our kid is not athletically inclined? If it's the latter, do we adjust our expectations and find a few physical activities that are the least intrusive to our family's schedule so they can develop some fitness and focus on other things?

I figured this was going to be about a 12 year old but six?? Maybe for your six year old it’s too rigid and organized. A six year old doesn’t need a 45” controlled class to develop fitness.

Six year olds develop control and exercise by playing. The playground, bikes, swimming, running, roller skating, playing games with balls. If the parent really is concerned about health they would put in the work. Find some bike trails even if you have to drive to them and both ride your bikes. Run or walk together to the playground. Play ball together. Dance together. Get some other kids involved if you prefer and play backyard games.

Ya, they like to dance (at home, but not in class because they dislike how often they get in trouble for not listening) and swim (but not if it’s a race). Biking is a challenge because they have anxiety about falling and complain that it’s too hard (legs tired after 2 minutes). Hiking equals whining. Playing basketball at home is fun as long as no running is required. I want to add that they are a great kid - super bright and 99% on tests and can read and do art for hours. I just get frustrated giving up finite time for athletics when they don’t engage or try and there is often a lot of whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6-year-old who doesn't give much effort in any sport they've tried. Has anybody had a kid like this who grew out of it? Or is it just that our kid is not athletically inclined? If it's the latter, do we adjust our expectations and find a few physical activities that are the least intrusive to our family's schedule so they can develop some fitness and focus on other things?

I figured this was going to be about a 12 year old but six?? Maybe for your six year old it’s too rigid and organized. A six year old doesn’t need a 45” controlled class to develop fitness.

Six year olds develop control and exercise by playing. The playground, bikes, swimming, running, roller skating, playing games with balls. If the parent really is concerned about health they would put in the work. Find some bike trails even if you have to drive to them and both ride your bikes. Run or walk together to the playground. Play ball together. Dance together. Get some other kids involved if you prefer and play backyard games.

Ya, they like to dance (at home, but not in class because they dislike how often they get in trouble for not listening) and swim (but not if it’s a race). Biking is a challenge because they have anxiety about falling and complain that it’s too hard (legs tired after 2 minutes). Hiking equals whining. Playing basketball at home is fun as long as no running is required. I want to add that they are a great kid - super bright and 99% on tests and can read and do art for hours. I just get frustrated giving up finite time for athletics when they don’t engage or try and there is often a lot of whining.

Sounds like they're not interested in team sports. That could change. I think it's a good idea to keep trying one new activity a season and let your child know that it's meant to be fun, to learn something new, and to be with friends.

A sport might click, and it might be one of the ones you've tried that they previously didn't like. My son hated soccer at 4, literally stood in the corner screaming. At age 10 he plays on a travel team. You don't really know yet. Just keep exposing, and don't add any pressure or stress.

If they end up never finding a team sport, there are lots of other ways to get exercise and other ways to socialize too.

[Anonymous]

He is quite young yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6-year-old who doesn't give much effort in any sport they've tried. Has anybody had a kid like this who grew out of it? Or is it just that our kid is not athletically inclined? If it's the latter, do we adjust our expectations and find a few physical activities that are the least intrusive to our family's schedule so they can develop some fitness and focus on other things?

I figured this was going to be about a 12 year old but six?? Maybe for your six year old it’s too rigid and organized. A six year old doesn’t need a 45” controlled class to develop fitness.

Six year olds develop control and exercise by playing. The playground, bikes, swimming, running, roller skating, playing games with balls. If the parent really is concerned about health they would put in the work. Find some bike trails even if you have to drive to them and both ride your bikes. Run or walk together to the playground. Play ball together. Dance together. Get some other kids involved if you prefer and play backyard games.

Ya, they like to dance (at home, but not in class because they dislike how often they get in trouble for not listening) and swim (but not if it’s a race). Biking is a challenge because they have anxiety about falling and complain that it’s too hard (legs tired after 2 minutes). Hiking equals whining. Playing basketball at home is fun as long as no running is required. I want to add that they are a great kid - super bright and 99% on tests and can read and do art for hours. I just get frustrated giving up finite time for athletics when they don’t engage or try and there is often a lot of whining.

The bike thing is kind of surprising. Even the laziest, least athletic kids on my block are out there on their bikes all of the time. Is it a really large or unusually heavy bike? Are there neighbor kids who are really good at biking and they're embarrassed because they're still getting the hang of it?

The combination of the bike thing, getting in trouble in classes for not listening and struggling to do something age-typical like riding a bike for more than 2 minutes is similar to what my nephew dealt with at that age. He has autism and hypotonia but I think that how my sister helped him would apply to any neurotypical kid, too. My sister put him in tae kwon do, and there were some bumps along the way but he had a great instructor who really saw what he needed and gave him the structure and gradual increase in mental and physical intensity to improve his executive functioning skills, listening skills, and physical strength and coordination. He excels at memorizing so he gained a lot of confidence being in an activity that rewards it. I know people think it's scammy but the external validation of belt tests was very motivating to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lack of motivation at such an early age can be tie to 2 things: -Revolting for not feeling like they are in control of the things they are participating in...i.e. did you make the decision for him, pick the sport and just sign them up or did he have say in the matter? The 2nd thing is a lack of reward for their effort. The reward can either be external or internal at the younger ages. 6 year old can get excited about activities when they are rewarded. (We rewarded our DD with candy for "playing" the sport we wanted at home. It was truly play, she loved the candy. This resulted in her wanting and saying "yes" to playing Rec Soccer later and she was shy at first but then later tried hard at it.
-BTW, we still give her candy at age 12 for trying hard at stuff.

…or genetics. Some kids are just lazy. My son was lazy as a kid and remains lazy as a young man. He played the sports he wanted to play and just never tried. Never ever practiced on his time. Delusionally thought he could just show up at try-outs and be fine. He was always the worst on the team but since we paid money and the school essentially had no cuts he’d make the team. No matter what we tried we couldn’t motivate him to put tons of effort into anything… except video games and watching football on TV.

Thanks for sharing this perspective. I'd have to agree...some kids are just lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. OP here. I didn't have crazy expectations, but since DH and I are both athletic and model that for our kids, I expected we'd find some sport that they'd like enough to exert themselves and put some effort into it. To a poster above, they enjoy one sport because they have friends they look forward to seeing, though they don't try, and they are also disruptive to other kids. We'll keep trying.

I have friends who are very athletic. Unfortunately for them, their two boys are not interested in sports at all. They continue to sign them up for rec sports because the parents enjoy it and the kids are still pretty young (10 and 7) but I can see the writing on the wall. Kids are who they are. 6 is very young though-there's still hope!

[Anonymous]

I think it's great the kid is social, likes the sport and goes willingly. That's all part of being on a team. I know of parents who struggle to even get their kid to go to the game, and who cry because they don't want to be there. Socialization, fresh air, exercise...these are all good things. If they play baseball and lazily swing the bat, strike out and nonchalantly walk back to the dugout, that will upset you as the parent. But if they're happy to go back to chatting with their friends, that's OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great the kid is social, likes the sport and goes willingly. That's all part of being on a team. I know of parents who struggle to even get their kid to go to the game, and who cry because they don't want to be there. Socialization, fresh air, exercise...these are all good things. If they play baseball and lazily swing the bat, strike out and nonchalantly walk back to the dugout, that will upset you as the parent. But if they're happy to go back to chatting with their friends, that's OK.

It's actually embarrassing and parents of competitive and motivated kids actually don't want to be on teams with kids like this. Most of the time kids like this are goofballs who try to get the other players to goof off with them and subvert the coach. I'm just being 100% honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great the kid is social, likes the sport and goes willingly. That's all part of being on a team. I know of parents who struggle to even get their kid to go to the game, and who cry because they don't want to be there. Socialization, fresh air, exercise...these are all good things. If they play baseball and lazily swing the bat, strike out and nonchalantly walk back to the dugout, that will upset you as the parent. But if they're happy to go back to chatting with their friends, that's OK.

It's actually embarrassing and parents of competitive and motivated kids actually don't want to be on teams with kids like this. Most of the time kids like this are goofballs who try to get the other players to goof off with them and subvert the coach. I'm just being 100% honest.

FWIW a good coach can usually manage this and kids' grow out of it. Seen it throughout my kids' careers in the hated (in this sub-forum) rec sport world.

[Anonymous]

Your child is only 6. How a child plays at 6 is generally not predictive. We know kids who goofed off on 1st grade rec teams but by MS were exemplary athletes. We know kids who were standouts at 6 but by 9 stopped playing. Do they enjoy playing? Then keep going. Do they complain about playing? Then stop. It doesn’t matter how good they are. It doesn’t matter if they even play sports. Some kids have other interests that are equally valuable. My boys loved sports and signed up for everything. In some they excelled and in some they were on the bench. I had zero expectations. I would have been fine if they quit any of their sports at any time. The only issue I had was when after years of playing and wanting to do nothing else, they asked to quit. Then I wanted to know more about their mindset. Was it the coach? The kids? Burnout? My rule for activities has always been to follow their lead. I only signed my kids up for a new team/activity when they asked. When it was time to reregister, I asked if they would like to continue.