Grieving and unreasonable MIL

[Anonymous]

Nah, nip this shit in the bud. No one gets to grieve this way and be so horrendously disrespectful. She called your mother to chastise her about her bday trip??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any adult, grieving or not, should eventually apologize when they throw a tantrum like you describe. Or develop some self awareness later when they realize how ungrateful they must have seemed when she complained non-stop about a vacation you planned and paid for. Somehow old "moms" are often excused from these adult norms. I hope I never do that to my grown children. Oh, and her contacting OP's parents is way out of bounds. Honestly, how dare she? I would not stay silent on that.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of your thoughts here.

I’m choosing the path of forgiveness and letting her grieve. She has so many bursts of emotions and we’ve tried to be so supportive, staying with us for months after his death so she wouldn’t have to be alone.

So I will continue to forgive and pull up as much understanding as I can muster and then remove myself from her vicinity (physically and mentally) when it gets to me.

FWIW, my husband is so supportive. It is just hard to see her emotionally blackmail and abuse him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of your thoughts here.

I’m choosing the path of forgiveness and letting her grieve. She has so many bursts of emotions and we’ve tried to be so supportive, staying with us for months after his death so she wouldn’t have to be alone.

So I will continue to forgive and pull up as much understanding as I can muster and then remove myself from her vicinity (physically and mentally) when it gets to me.

FWIW, my husband is so supportive. It is just hard to see her emotionally blackmail and abuse him.

Enabling toxic behavior may seem kind but it’s not. Your MIL is using grief as an excuse to abuse people, demand that she is the center of the universe and get attention. This will only make her and everyone around her miserable. She won’t be able to form other relationships because new friends and neighbors will not put up with this. This will make her more angry and lonely. She needs to get into grief counseling and or therapy. You all have to calmly call her out when she behaves horribly not roll over thinking you are being gracious. You are not.

[Anonymous]

If she is financially illiterate, there is probably a big element of anxiety and fear in the mourning, too. FIL took good care of their finances and they really enjoyed themselves. Now, she is probably worried that she can't handle things in that area (finances) and her fun adventurous life is essentially over.
Is your DH helping her oversee finances? It can be overwhelming.
And, she never should have called your mom to berate her. That is seriously overstepping and rude.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a lot like my mother’s behavior when my dad died several years ago. I was so tied up managing her emotions that I don’t recall processing my own grief until much later. The irony is she wasn’t even kind to my dad when he got sick. She was also very bitter at being a relatively young widow in her early 70s, when all her friends were traveling and enjoying retired life with their spouses. I recall her becoming enraged when I told her we taking our young kids on a planned family vacation several months after my dad’s death. It was as if we couldn’t move forward. Empathy, patience, and a bit of distance eventually helped. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of your thoughts here.

I’m choosing the path of forgiveness and letting her grieve. She has so many bursts of emotions and we’ve tried to be so supportive, staying with us for months after his death so she wouldn’t have to be alone.

So I will continue to forgive and pull up as much understanding as I can muster and then remove myself from her vicinity (physically and mentally) when it gets to me.

FWIW, my husband is so supportive. It is just hard to see her emotionally blackmail and abuse him.

Enabling toxic behavior may seem kind but it’s not. Your MIL is using grief as an excuse to abuse people, demand that she is the center of the universe and get attention. This will only make her and everyone around her miserable. She won’t be able to form other relationships because new friends and neighbors will not put up with this. This will make her more angry and lonely. She needs to get into grief counseling and or therapy. You all have to calmly call her out when she behaves horribly not roll over thinking you are being gracious. You are not.

Agree. OP, you think you're being kind, but you're not. Help her to start nudging her way back to being a reasonable human being. She didn't event loss and grieving. She needs therapy and you really should not stand by witnessing your spouse being manipulated and treated poorly. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of your thoughts here.

I’m choosing the path of forgiveness and letting her grieve. She has so many bursts of emotions and we’ve tried to be so supportive, staying with us for months after his death so she wouldn’t have to be alone.

So I will continue to forgive and pull up as much understanding as I can muster and then remove myself from her vicinity (physically and mentally) when it gets to me.

FWIW, my husband is so supportive. It is just hard to see her emotionally blackmail and abuse him.

Enabling toxic behavior may seem kind but it’s not. Your MIL is using grief as an excuse to abuse people, demand that she is the center of the universe and get attention. This will only make her and everyone around her miserable. She won’t be able to form other relationships because new friends and neighbors will not put up with this. This will make her more angry and lonely. She needs to get into grief counseling and or therapy. You all have to calmly call her out when she behaves horribly not roll over thinking you are being gracious. You are not.

Agree. OP, you think you're being kind, but you're not. Help her to start nudging her way back to being a reasonable human being. She didn't event loss and grieving. She needs therapy and you really should not stand by witnessing your spouse being manipulated and treated poorly. Seriously.

OP here. She is 83. She is not going to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Just think this may be you one day and you may need the help and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds a lot like my mother’s behavior when my dad died several years ago. I was so tied up managing her emotions that I don’t recall processing my own grief until much later. The irony is she wasn’t even kind to my dad when he got sick. She was also very bitter at being a relatively young widow in her early 70s, when all her friends were traveling and enjoying retired life with their spouses. I recall her becoming enraged when I told her we taking our young kids on a planned family vacation several months after my dad’s death. It was as if we couldn’t move forward. Empathy, patience, and a bit of distance eventually helped. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry for your loss.

OP here. Your post sounds like something my husband could’ve written. Word for word. One of MIL’s common refrains is that 84 (FIL’s age at death) is too young to die and it’s unfair that her friend’s husbands who are older and having far serious health issues are still living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is financially illiterate, there is probably a big element of anxiety and fear in the mourning, too. FIL took good care of their finances and they really enjoyed themselves. Now, she is probably worried that she can't handle things in that area (finances) and her fun adventurous life is essentially over.
Is your DH helping her oversee finances? It can be overwhelming.
And, she never should have called your mom to berate her. That is seriously overstepping and rude.

She is financial illiterate and hasn’t worked in 40+ years. My husband is helping her with that along with a tax accountant and financial advisor. She has everyone stepping up to assist but is continually unhappy (whether it’s with her kids or professionals).

She always was a difficult personality (eventho I had a pretty good relationship with her) but is getting worse with age and husband passing (although they did not have a good marriage).