Grieving and unreasonable MIL

[Anonymous]

She is clearly depressed, but does not excuse her temper tantrum. Treat her like the toddler as she acted like one. Don't feed her, and if she has any common sense left, she will apologize tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

NoW whY Do yOu thINk tHaT iS?


She's a nutjob but FIL was covering for her so maybe you didn't see it. She always was. It's not going to get better. Time to distance yourself like the reasonable siblings.

yep this

[Anonymous]

Time to go LC until she smartens up.

[Anonymous]

Tell her nothing
Move on DH absolutely goes in your vacation

Instead of being gracious on your trip she behaved like a child nothing to do with grieving she’s spoiled and entitled.

She had her chance I’d never include her again DH could deal with her but not my kids or me

[Anonymous]

She needs grief counseling. And more time with friends, maybe volunteering, etc. But grief will sometimes make us irrational and rage. And if this was the first trip after her husband’s death, I’m sure she felt every minute that he was absent on that everything was different. Not that you guys did anything wrong at all, but this is likely her mental state and probably why she was complaining. She was really complaining that her husband is gone and her life has changed irrevocably.

Your trip within the first year of FIL’s death is fine. (She herself went on a trip within the first year of FIL’s death!) But you and DH shouldn’t share with her details of nice things you’re up to for a while.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I will never believe that grief makes a normally calm and rational person act this way. The people who act out in public are already predisposed to emotional dysregulation, so anything can become a trigger.

I would tell her off and never invite her to anything ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore and continue your plans for your trip. Obviously MIL is grieving but life is for the living. If she rages, hand up the phone or leave.

+1
Also your son should take the lead on dealing w his mother & her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Husband ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I will never believe that grief makes a normally calm and rational person act this way. The people who act out in public are already predisposed to emotional dysregulation, so anything can become a trigger.

I would tell her off and never invite her to anything ever again.

DP. I've seen it, whether anticipatory or bereaved grief. Compassion should override the need for revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

NoW whY Do yOu thINk tHaT iS?


She's a nutjob but FIL was covering for her so maybe you didn't see it. She always was. It's not going to get better. Time to distance yourself like the reasonable siblings.

THIS! I’ve known, loved & interacted with lots of grieving people. MIL is either a nutjob or OP is exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FIL was 84 and and eventhough it’s been 10 months, I don’t think DH has fully processed it as all of my inlaws’ affairs (MIL is well off but financial illiterate) have fallen to him as we live locally and other siblings have a troubled relationship with her and live a 1-2 hr plane ride away.

He has also been slammed at work due to geo-political changes. He has been working 12-14 h days, 6 days a week and I suspect that is also being used as a coping mechanism so that he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings.

I had told him he could skip out of our family vacation to celebrate the milestone birthday but he insisted he wanted to join (not only because he gets along well with my parents and brother) but also because he said he really needs a mental break. He explained this to her when she started freaking out but she called him inconsiderate and selfish.

Your husband needs a mental break too. Forgive everyone right now including your own family. Go on your holiday and enjoy it. If she apologies, accept with grace. Don’t blame anyone including yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore and continue your plans for your trip. Obviously MIL is grieving but life is for the living. If she rages, hand up the phone or leave.

This.

Just like you do with children, ignore the bad behavior as long as it's not dangerous. When she's ready to come back to reality, make sure you have "forgotten" all this nonsense so she doesn't feel bad about that too. Give her the easy out - she just lost her life partner and is angry at the world about that. It was nice of you to try to include her. Maybe it was just too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any adult, grieving or not, should eventually apologize when they throw a tantrum like you describe. Or develop some self awareness later when they realize how ungrateful they must have seemed when she complained non-stop about a vacation you planned and paid for. Somehow old "moms" are often excused from these adult norms. I hope I never do that to my grown children. Oh, and her contacting OP's parents is way out of bounds. Honestly, how dare she? I would not stay silent on that.

Yes to all of this and also understand that you need to pretend nothing happened. Thinking she is capable of an apology or self awareness is like shoveling water uphill. Don't waste your energy on that emotion. Spend your energy planning the birthday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL passes away last year. He and MIL were avid world travelers and have always taken 2 international trips and multiple domestic trips for the last 15 years of their lives.

She has been feeling depressed lately so husband and I booked a family vacation to intl destination and invited her to join. We pulled out all of the stops making sure to accommodate her limitations (food, energy level, need for luxury accommodations, etc). She spent the entire trip complaining about everything (our 2 kids and how they won’t play the card game she specifically wants to play, how she wishes we got the presidential suite instead of the executive suite, how we wake up too early, you name it).

During the trip, we mentioned that we are planning another vacation with my parents and brother’s family due to my mom’s milestone birthday this year and she flipped out. She created a scene at the restaurant we were in when she learned this. She told DH that she is extremely hurt that we would celebrate my mom’s birthday in the year before my FIL’s 1 year death anniversary. She raged at him about how lonely she is and how hurt she is. She stomped out of the restaurant, almost knocking out a plate from the waiter and refused to speak with us for the rest of the trip.

Since then, she called my mom and told her how disappointed she is with our family trip and how disrespectful it is. My parents feel really bad that it’s caused so much distress in our family and it has soured everyone’s mood.

Any thoughts on how DH and I should address?

Gads (to the MIL). Maybe don’t send a postcard, don’t post trip on social media that MIL can see, but GO with your family and ENJOY your mom’s bday! Everyone grieves differently, but that doesn’t mean you have to shut down time with your family. Oh and have your parents change their phone number!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't take it personally. Between age and grief, she will not be a reasonable person right now. Just be kind and forgiving, and keep your joys and plans to yourself. She can't be happy for others right now.

+100