People who are having extra-marital affairs, why not just be open about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because there are women who will go after and win at least half of everything you've worked for your entire life. You lose your pension, your investments, and half your home equity even if you made the large down payment and paid the monthly payments for 10 years before you married her. Even if she never had kids with you and if she never worked. In many situations, it's cheaper to keep her, as they say.

The cost of cheating is your integrity, which for me at least, is worth more than half of my considerable net worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your spouse has unilaterally decided that your marital sex life is over, because she no longer desires sex, it's not a natural transition to open the marriage. She is still going to demand complete monogamy and cry fowl at any suggestion otherwise. She will not want her husband to see other women for sex for fear of losing him to someone who actually appreciates him and enjoys having sex with him, unlike her. She would rather he remain miserable in a sexless marriage with her until eventually he is old enough that his his own reduced sex drive matches hers. Men and women cheat instead of asking for an open marriage because they know how that will be received so it's better to not tip them off. The choices are, divorce, or seek what is missing from the marriage with someone else who is likely in the same situation.

Men who do zero introspection into why their wives suddenly do not want sex anymore absolutely astound me. It’s not coming from nowhere, buddy. And inevitably, when you divorce, she will be happily very active with her next partner.

I know from reading this forum over the years. It's from not sharing housework and child care. So they withhold sex and that makes sense. I know it makes perfect sense because I read it here. There is no other reason for it.

I’m the PP you’re responding to and I’m female. Doing his share around the house has nothing to do with it. I think it’s a big factor in dissatisfaction in marriages often, but it is absolutely not the reason most women have lost attraction and desire. He hasn’t done his share as a husband, not as a roommate or father. He doesn’t look at me, ask about my dreams or goals, show any curiosity into who I am anymore. He doesn’t date me. That is why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because there are women who will go after and win at least half of everything you've worked for your entire life. You lose your pension, your investments, and half your home equity even if you made the large down payment and paid the monthly payments for 10 years before you married her. Even if she never had kids with you and if she never worked. In many situations, it's cheaper to keep her, as they say.

The cost of cheating is your integrity, which for me at least, is worth more than half of my considerable net worth.

If only everyone was like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because there are women who will go after and win at least half of everything you've worked for your entire life. You lose your pension, your investments, and half your home equity even if you made the large down payment and paid the monthly payments for 10 years before you married her. Even if she never had kids with you and if she never worked. In many situations, it's cheaper to keep her, as they say.

I know this is what my can't-be-soon-enough ex thinks, forgetting that 1. I brought the downpayment and many renovation costs of our house to the marriage through my inheritance, otherwise we never would have been able to buy when we did and 2. I cut back on my still full time career and passed up opportunities that would have required me to travel so that he could fly off whenever and wherever to build his business while I juggled my career, kids and house. I'm good with half. He doesn't think it's fair.

[Anonymous]

"The cost of cheating is your integrity, which for me at least, is worth more than half of my considerable net worth."

I see this comment above as black and white thinking. I know men (50 and older) in bad marriages with women who married them for their money and no longer want to sleep with them or do trad wife things like clean or cook even though they don't work or have caregiver duties. Not only will it cost these men 50% of their assets and a huge alimony payment each month if they leave, the wives themselves don't want to give up the status and the lifelong access to the comfortable life he provides. Heaven forbid that they have to get a job and support themselves. For most, there's no way they could earn for themselves what their husbands are providing. And these women are too old to take a chance on finding a high-income replacement husband.

If she's emotionally and sexually exited the marriage but happily keeps spending his income, why aren't we critical of her lack of integrity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The cost of cheating is your integrity, which for me at least, is worth more than half of my considerable net worth."

I see this comment above as black and white thinking. I know men (50 and older) in bad marriages with women who married them for their money and no longer want to sleep with them or do trad wife things like clean or cook even though they don't work or have caregiver duties. Not only will it cost these men 50% of their assets and a huge alimony payment each month if they leave, the wives themselves don't want to give up the status and the lifelong access to the comfortable life he provides. Heaven forbid that they have to get a job and support themselves. For most, there's no way they could earn for themselves what their husbands are providing. And these women are too old to take a chance on finding a high-income replacement husband.

If she's emotionally and sexually exited the marriage but happily keeps spending his income, why aren't we critical of her lack of integrity?

Then ask her for an open marriage or get a divorce. What you've described is the antithesis of integrity. It's tit for tat justification—a race to the bottom. Integrity, by definition, is operating independently of others' behavior because integrity is fundamentally about internal consistency and adherence to your moral principles. You may have no moral principles around your marital vows, but those of us who do and value our integrity don't cheat. We fight for our marriage, we ask for an open marriage, or we get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your spouse has unilaterally decided that your marital sex life is over, because she no longer desires sex, it's not a natural transition to open the marriage. She is still going to demand complete monogamy and cry fowl at any suggestion otherwise. She will not want her husband to see other women for sex for fear of losing him to someone who actually appreciates him and enjoys having sex with him, unlike her. She would rather he remain miserable in a sexless marriage with her until eventually he is old enough that his his own reduced sex drive matches hers. Men and women cheat instead of asking for an open marriage because they know how that will be received so it's better to not tip them off. The choices are, divorce, or seek what is missing from the marriage with someone else who is likely in the same situation.

So why not choice one-divorce? Cheating is at best a temporary fix, 95% of the time it will be exposed and instead of this being a divorce due to irreconcilable differences, its a divorce because you're a lying, cheating scumbag. If you have kids, that a the version they'll carry for the rest of their lives.

You pulled the 95% out of your a$$. You have no idea how many people never get caught and neither does anyone else. It's a temporary fix for sure. That doesn't make it the wrong thing to do at the time. People divorce when they are ready and they stay together, if only for a few years, for all number of good reasons and an affair helps keep a person sane and happy through those times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your spouse has unilaterally decided that your marital sex life is over, because she no longer desires sex, it's not a natural transition to open the marriage. She is still going to demand complete monogamy and cry fowl at any suggestion otherwise. She will not want her husband to see other women for sex for fear of losing him to someone who actually appreciates him and enjoys having sex with him, unlike her. She would rather he remain miserable in a sexless marriage with her until eventually he is old enough that his his own reduced sex drive matches hers. Men and women cheat instead of asking for an open marriage because they know how that will be received so it's better to not tip them off. The choices are, divorce, or seek what is missing from the marriage with someone else who is likely in the same situation.

So why not choice one-divorce? Cheating is at best a temporary fix, 95% of the time it will be exposed and instead of this being a divorce due to irreconcilable differences, its a divorce because you're a lying, cheating scumbag. If you have kids, that a the version they'll carry for the rest of their lives.

You pulled the 95% out of your a$$. You have no idea how many people never get caught and neither does anyone else. It's a temporary fix for sure. That doesn't make it the wrong thing to do at the time. People divorce when they are ready and they stay together, if only for a few years, for all number of good reasons and an affair helps keep a person sane and happy through those times.

Can you explain why my cheating stbx is so miserable and angry? It puzzles me. He found somewhere else he wanted to park it, he filed for divorce once confronted, and has been on a rampage ever since. Doesnt seem sane or happy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hurting people and lying/being deceitful is their kink.

They can’t get off like normal people unless there is some risk or deceit involved to heighten emotions.

This. Some people will cheat, no matter how hot their spouse is, no matter how great their home/sex life is. Some people will never cheat, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how unhappy they are.

Cheaters cheat because they're cheaters.