Dealing with a moody child that impacts our day over small things

[Anonymous]

Why can't you take him at his word that he didn't want another drink or book? I think I would have said that at that age and meant it.

[Anonymous]

This is a parenting issue.

[Anonymous]

Have you had a formal behavioral assessment? I’d start there.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him what kind of outings he'd enjoy? What you describe sounds totally fine so it's not a ding. But does he help plan or suggest ideas? Maybe that would help, to get buy-in and input (I'm not saying that means you always just do what he wants).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m sorry, spilling a drink is not a big deal. Sorry you won’t convince me otherwise and I think it does a disservice to a child to get bent out of shape and give a massive reaction over spilling half a clear soda. Especially at 9 years old.

Whoa. Ok. Here’s your truth coming out and your son totally feels this.

Can you put yourself in his shoes? In reality he IS bent out of shape, he is having the reaction he is having. He’s having it AND feeling bad for having it!

You have him in a double-bind.

Oh stop. I actually dealt with real problems as a child, like my parents dying when I was his age in a tragic way. So I do believe it is doing a major disservice to a 9 year old when a glass of sparkling water spilling outside becomes a major family issue. Yes, he’s having a reaction and I’m trying to figure out how he can handle it for what it is. I’m sorry but a glass of water spilling can’t be a major issue and that’s why some of you have nonfunctional kids now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you take him at his word that he didn't want another drink or book? I think I would have said that at that age and meant it.

I did. Later he told me he wanted another drink and was too embarrassed to say. And he doesn’t tantrum. He basically shuts down and storms off. He’s never really had outbursts or tantrums evan as a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who think there is some underlying anxiety. Counseling would be good- you need someone who works on the process/pattern of it.

You reassuring, talking tons to keep his reaction down does not help his anxiety long term. The thing about anxiety is it won’t go away- and you need some of it, it is good. What you and he need is to learn more about it and how to handle. There are lots of programs discussing SPACE which treats anxiety ONLY working with the parents. Parents change the way they engage with the child and the child’s anxiety changes.

I think Lynn Lyons podcast is great. And so are her books. She has a playlist on her podcast of where parents can start with their anxious child. She breaks things down clearly into the pattern of anxiety/ whatever way it presents. This is a great age to start dealing with this.

I’m sorry. It has to be challenging to have such explosive reactions come your way and not know what will set him off. It does impact your family and addressing this will help everyone.

Lisa Damour I think explained mental health as having an appropriate reaction to the stimulus- if you spill your drink and get really upset- that isn’t mentally healthy. If you lost a big soccer game and get frustrated- yes that’s ok. You can be mad but a tantrum, nope not good either. Perhaps that definition will help you in seeing that he could use some support in managing his emotions- whether he can name them or not, he can feel them.

And that’s why I have tried various tactics over the course of 2-3 years as another PP agreed they have as well. The professionals state the best way to handle it is to say “I’m sorry you’re disappointed and upset you spilled the drink” but that doesn’t work either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that helped my kid like this was medicating his ADHD. When he didn’t have to work SO HARD to keep it together all day long, he still had emotional energy to keep it together over small stuff like spilled drinks.

I think that most professionals would laugh at him being medicating for this. He’s a really easy going kid in school and any kind of sports, self motivated and does his hw and work by himself, has never had a single behavioral issue at school or prek. Has a ton of friends and great relationships with teachers and coaches. I asked the counselor to get involved bc it’s an issue with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some help dealing with a moody 9 year old child. He’s had no issues at any camp or school- in fact words used to describe him by teachers or counselors through those character trait awards are fun loving, sincere, funny.. He’s very difficult with me. We had a nice outing today where we road a few miles to a book store and coffee shop. He knocked over his italian soda on his brother by accident. I said “no big deal, let’s go get you a new one” and he scowled “I’m fine. I don’t want one. I don’t want a book.” I said hey it’s no big deal, no one is upset. He starts to give me the silent treatment and storms forward with his bike, crossing the crosswalks without looking, not looking back as we throw away the mess and follow him. I have his 7 year old brother in tow so I need to make sure he’s safe with his bike. I said let’s go get lunch and move on, at this point he’s getting worse, not speaking, scowling. It was supposed to be a nice outing so I called his dad to come grab him and drive him home and he’s now in his room with no electronics or dessert. But I really can’t do this with him. This is a common theme. He only does it with me. It really ruins any day trip I take for me and his younger brother with his wild moods. Any help dealing with a kid like this?

He said he was fine. It sounds like he was a little bit unhappy about spilling the soda, but was trying to move on, and you were trying to fix the problem that wasn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m sorry, spilling a drink is not a big deal. Sorry you won’t convince me otherwise and I think it does a disservice to a child to get bent out of shape and give a massive reaction over spilling half a clear soda. Especially at 9 years old.

Whoa. Ok. Here’s your truth coming out and your son totally feels this.

Can you put yourself in his shoes? In reality he IS bent out of shape, he is having the reaction he is having. He’s having it AND feeling bad for having it!

You have him in a double-bind.

Oh stop. I actually dealt with real problems as a child, like my parents dying when I was his age in a tragic way. So I do believe it is doing a major disservice to a 9 year old when a glass of sparkling water spilling outside becomes a major family issue. Yes, he’s having a reaction and I’m trying to figure out how he can handle it for what it is. I’m sorry but a glass of water spilling can’t be a major issue and that’s why some of you have nonfunctional kids now.

OP, take a moment and think about this. When we suggest something you don’t agree with with you: (1) tell us you had it way worse; (2) insult our kids and our parenting; and (3) refuse to see another point of view.

And you seriosuly can’t figure out why your kid feels ignored and anxious around you and only you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who think there is some underlying anxiety. Counseling would be good- you need someone who works on the process/pattern of it.

You reassuring, talking tons to keep his reaction down does not help his anxiety long term. The thing about anxiety is it won’t go away- and you need some of it, it is good. What you and he need is to learn more about it and how to handle. There are lots of programs discussing SPACE which treats anxiety ONLY working with the parents. Parents change the way they engage with the child and the child’s anxiety changes.

I think Lynn Lyons podcast is great. And so are her books. She has a playlist on her podcast of where parents can start with their anxious child. She breaks things down clearly into the pattern of anxiety/ whatever way it presents. This is a great age to start dealing with this.

I’m sorry. It has to be challenging to have such explosive reactions come your way and not know what will set him off. It does impact your family and addressing this will help everyone.

Lisa Damour I think explained mental health as having an appropriate reaction to the stimulus- if you spill your drink and get really upset- that isn’t mentally healthy. If you lost a big soccer game and get frustrated- yes that’s ok. You can be mad but a tantrum, nope not good either. Perhaps that definition will help you in seeing that he could use some support in managing his emotions- whether he can name them or not, he can feel them.

And that’s why I have tried various tactics over the course of 2-3 years as another PP agreed they have as well. The professionals state the best way to handle it is to say “I’m sorry you’re disappointed and upset you spilled the drink” but that doesn’t work either.

Is this OP? What do you mean, that doesn't work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m sorry, spilling a drink is not a big deal. Sorry you won’t convince me otherwise and I think it does a disservice to a child to get bent out of shape and give a massive reaction over spilling half a clear soda. Especially at 9 years old.

Whoa. Ok. Here’s your truth coming out and your son totally feels this.

Can you put yourself in his shoes? In reality he IS bent out of shape, he is having the reaction he is having. He’s having it AND feeling bad for having it!

You have him in a double-bind.

Oh stop. I actually dealt with real problems as a child, like my parents dying when I was his age in a tragic way. So I do believe it is doing a major disservice to a 9 year old when a glass of sparkling water spilling outside becomes a major family issue. Yes, he’s having a reaction and I’m trying to figure out how he can handle it for what it is. I’m sorry but a glass of water spilling can’t be a major issue and that’s why some of you have nonfunctional kids now.

OP, take a moment and think about this. When we suggest something you don’t agree with with you: (1) tell us you had it way worse; (2) insult our kids and our parenting; and (3) refuse to see another point of view.

And you seriosuly can’t figure out why your kid feels ignored and anxious around you and only you?

+1
Your child is reacting to the way you judge. He isnt good enough for you. You are mad at him because he has an easier life, but still has a mental processing problem. You dont think he "deserves" to have any anxiety. You didn't and he should be strong too. Your attitude is causing his anxiety to worsen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m sorry, spilling a drink is not a big deal. Sorry you won’t convince me otherwise and I think it does a disservice to a child to get bent out of shape and give a massive reaction over spilling half a clear soda. Especially at 9 years old.

Whoa. Ok. Here’s your truth coming out and your son totally feels this.

Can you put yourself in his shoes? In reality he IS bent out of shape, he is having the reaction he is having. He’s having it AND feeling bad for having it!

You have him in a double-bind.

Oh stop. I actually dealt with real problems as a child, like my parents dying when I was his age in a tragic way. So I do believe it is doing a major disservice to a 9 year old when a glass of sparkling water spilling outside becomes a major family issue. Yes, he’s having a reaction and I’m trying to figure out how he can handle it for what it is. I’m sorry but a glass of water spilling can’t be a major issue and that’s why some of you have nonfunctional kids now.

OP, take a moment and think about this. When we suggest something you don’t agree with with you: (1) tell us you had it way worse; (2) insult our kids and our parenting; and (3) refuse to see another point of view.

And you seriosuly can’t figure out why your kid feels ignored and anxious around you and only you?

+1
Your child is reacting to the way you judge. He isnt good enough for you. You are mad at him because he has an easier life, but still has a mental processing problem. You dont think he "deserves" to have any anxiety. You didn't and he should be strong too. Your attitude is causing his anxiety to worsen.

I agree with this. You don’t like any of the advice given here. My kid is fine at school and activities and has tons of friends too. She still has anxiety. I would look into SPACE therapy or something similar for you to participate in. It helped the way I parent my anxious kid. Or read the book with the same strategy, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety & OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m sorry, spilling a drink is not a big deal. Sorry you won’t convince me otherwise and I think it does a disservice to a child to get bent out of shape and give a massive reaction over spilling half a clear soda. Especially at 9 years old.

Whoa. Ok. Here’s your truth coming out and your son totally feels this.

Can you put yourself in his shoes? In reality he IS bent out of shape, he is having the reaction he is having. He’s having it AND feeling bad for having it!

You have him in a double-bind.

Oh stop. I actually dealt with real problems as a child, like my parents dying when I was his age in a tragic way. So I do believe it is doing a major disservice to a 9 year old when a glass of sparkling water spilling outside becomes a major family issue. Yes, he’s having a reaction and I’m trying to figure out how he can handle it for what it is. I’m sorry but a glass of water spilling can’t be a major issue and that’s why some of you have nonfunctional kids now.

OP, take a moment and think about this. When we suggest something you don’t agree with with you: (1) tell us you had it way worse; (2) insult our kids and our parenting; and (3) refuse to see another point of view.

And you seriosuly can’t figure out why your kid feels ignored and anxious around you and only you?

+1
Your child is reacting to the way you judge. He isnt good enough for you. You are mad at him because he has an easier life, but still has a mental processing problem. You dont think he "deserves" to have any anxiety. You didn't and he should be strong too. Your attitude is causing his anxiety to worsen.

+2 I’m sorry op. You’re not wrong that spilling a drink isn’t a big deal. But it sounds like you experienced some extremely traumatic things around the same age as your child and it is not uncommon that when your own child is around a similar developmental age it can be especially hard as a parent who had a hard childhood.

if you are really looking for an answer here, getting some parent coaching so you have space to work through how to support his anxiety, your relationship and connection, especially in the context of your own experiences and how it might impact how you perceive their emotions/responses to things is the first place to start. Generally with anxiety in kids parent coaching is one of the more effective tools anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn’t read all of the responses on here, but my son is the same. Ten years old, no anxiety and no ADHD. We’ve noticed these reactions increase when allowed to play a lot of Roblox and Fortnite.

It could be a coincidence, but for whatever reason, Roblox leaves him cranky for days. Just something to keep in mind.