If your dh was chronically unemployed, would you expect your ils to bring it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine did.

When he was unemployed: "The poor guy! He's trying SO hard, we feel so bad for him!" (no, he wasn't trying, he sat around watching TV and p0rn all day).

When he was underemployed: "He needs you to take better care of him! He needs a woman who will cook and clean! He's starving!" Ma'am I'm already paying 80% of the bills, the least he can do is get his butt off the couch and feed himself.

Bad husbands are often the product of parents who coddled them, made excuses for them, and told them over and over they were special little boys who any girl would be so lucky to have. Never were they taught to work hard, provide, and care for their family.

+1 My brother is underemployed. He went to Cal. He could be making so much more, but he likes to play on his computer all day and not work. He did the same when he was in college. My parents wanted someone to marry him so that he could be taken care of. So, now they rely on me more financially than my brother. It's really my mother that coddled him so much. She kept lamenting how he didn't have a gf (he got married very very late) and asked if I knew a girl I could introduce him to. Um no way. My female friends were not into bums They were all very hard working.

[Anonymous]

My husband is unemployed longterm and my ILs don't ever mention it, at least not to me or in front of me. My parents mention it to me but not in front of him. Even then, they mention it only in the context of knowing I'm stressed about money or can't afford something we need. They say, "What about X....?"

I wonder if OP wants ILs to basically shame or embarrass ther son to try to motivate him to look for a job. It sounds mean when you type it, but I would totally understand that approach. (I'm not saying OP is doing that.)

I have often wondered if my ILs, including DH's close siblings, really don't ever mention it to him. DH and I don't communicate well so I don't even ask. I'm over it.

It sucks, I'm sorry.

I'm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh has been chronically unemployed or under employed for a few years. My ILs never talk about it. I find it kind of odd. My life is much harder with extreme work stress as a result and they come visit and talk about traffic like nothing is up. I get that it’s awkward but I find it slightly bizarre

Like to embarrass him in a group setting? Maybe they've talked about it in private with him? I find your thinking slightly bizarre

Agreed, I feel like this would be unbearably rude

+1. As long as they aren't criticizing you for working so many hours and neglecting the homefront (Grandmother did this to DH's mom), I wouldn't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

They should bring it up every chance they get.

"Larla, would you ask my unemployed deadbeat loser of a son to pass the peas?"

[Anonymous]

No because they dont care. They dumped their loser son on you and its your problem now.

You can bet if he was still living with them but and relying on them, rather than bleeding YOU dry, theyd bring it up everyday.

[Anonymous]

This forum is going to be rife with such issues as white collar workers lose their jobs from AI. OP, I would highly recommend you downsize to take some pressure off of you and allow you to put away more in savings while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh has been chronically unemployed or under employed for a few years. My ILs never talk about it. I find it kind of odd. My life is much harder with extreme work stress as a result and they come visit and talk about traffic like nothing is up. I get that it’s awkward but I find it slightly bizarre

They are glad he is your problem now.
Sorry, they know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a partner in big law and makes a great salary but not enough to hire a full time housekeeper and fleet of staff and drivers which is what we’d need for 3 kids. My ILs come stay and never mention anything while k work, make dinner, cook, clean, organize and drive other than continually mentioning how lucky I am. It’s fun. Most parents have complete blindness to their children’s shortcomings via a vis their spouses.

? Lady. You are made your husband doesn’t pull his weight at home because you can’t replace him with a “fleet of staff and drivers???” Most households are run by two people. Maybe you would get more sympathy if you had more reasonable expectations.

[Anonymous]

Just like in-laws don't mention it, you don't mention what causes it. Makes me think Aspie, but I do wonder why you don't say it. Do you not recognize it? I didn't at first.
I married a family where most member have ASD. They don't talk about it and only one acknowledges it.
They are very picky about jobs and gluless about life. Often out of work, but don't seem to know why.They also have no idea why they are broke even though they are highly educated and most make $100k+.

[Anonymous]

I think they are being nice not to mention it. Do you need their help? If do, you are going to have to ask.

I have discovered recently that asking for help is so hard and yet needed at times.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, did you marry very very young and are still living with them? What would they possibly have to say or do with this? Especially to/for you?

[Anonymous]

OP, do ILs even know that he is unemployed/underemployed?

I can totally see how my ILs would not have that information.

[Anonymous]

Do ILs have extra money to help? If not, I could see them not mentioning it because it could open up the conversation for you/DH to ask for money and they may not want that.

With that said, I would mention it in front of them. Different situation but in laws are maga and I lost my job due to Doge. They would just ignore it but I mention it once in a while so they remember their choices in part are impacting their beloved son and grandkids. (Eg, we aren’t taking a big vacation this year, keeping our car longer than planned, etc). I would probably do the same if I were you: Big summer plans? No, with DH still looking for a job, we are saving our money. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Your poor marriage decision is not their fault. Husbands are not teenagers who need to be raised by parents or spouses. They’re supposed to be equal partners. Stop avoiding your issues and go see a therapist. Decide how you want to proceed with your marriage. Maybe you may want to choose divorce

[Anonymous]

"for a few years" but not your entire marriage? What happened? Did something change?

In a marriage I know of, the DH had great and consistent work, but DW got tired of being the trailing wife without much support and a career of her own. Eventually the pressures of kids and work led them to move closer to family. The couple do not communicate well, unfortunately. This move was rife with tension, but since then the DH has struggled to hold down a job, takes free lance projects, but also manages the bulk of the childcare. He's not good with lots of other responsibilities but the fact that the child is taken care of has helped the DW's career. There's a lot of resentment on her part (and her family's ) bc he is underemployed, and they eventually did talk to his family too. Ultimately it's a complex situation, and I wonder if it's is too. In this case, the dog is not a deadbeat or watching TV all day and gambling.