Have you become more jealous as you’ve gotten older & have kids?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends where you believe yourself to be compared to what you expected. It's not just social comparisons, but your own expectations. You need to work on accepting yourself.

My oldest was born with special needs. That took care of a few things right off the bat. We chose to live in an expensive suburb of DC, one with great public schools, but in the smallest house of the entire neighborhood. We still cling to our very ancient and decrepit cars. So that takes care of many other things.

And inside... I feel fine. I am blessed with youthful-looking genes and my figure is pretty great for middle age. I am much wealthier than our lifestyle signals. My kid with SN, after a childhood full of incredibly hard work and therapies, managed to get into a decent college.

You lose some you win some, OP. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Once I married and had children, the jealousy dissipated. Being older now, I just appreciate what I have.

[Anonymous]

I am becoming less so at 50. Possibly because I have done better financially and professionally than I imagined I ever would. Plus I feel I look good, I am fit and have a stable marriage. Kids are doing well and I don’t feel I have messed them up in any way. Like pp said. You win some and you lose some. Friends of mine have done a lot better financially and seem to have good marriages. Then someone announced a surprise separation, cancer diagnosis, tough time with a child and you realise that everyone’s lives have challenges

[Anonymous]

No jealousy. In my early 40s, and just have appreciation for being healthy and having family still with us. That’s all that is important in this life. I admit, it is also nice not to have to worry about finances but we live a very simple life.

[Anonymous]

I’ve gotten less jealous.

I do list five things I am grateful for every day and pray semi regularly. I’m grateful to God for providing me with my blessings and giving me the opportunity to do my best each day.

The older I get, the simpler I keep it.

[Anonymous]

No, opposite with kids. You know, having kids makes you more mature and responsible, not the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was don’t remember myself ever being jealous when younger. I was very naive as a young teen, nerdy. “Discovered” myself in college put makeup on, etc. attractive enough, accepted I wasn't a top student but you could hide that then.

Now that I am in my late 40’s, I’m jealous of other women- friends that look better than me, families, theur kids, upset my kids aren’t top students, that they are not graduating on time, the teen not attending top college. I’m just hiding from people.

What’s gotten into me?! Is this a Mid life crisis? I feel like a loser of some sort or all over again. Anyone feel like this?

You just became a narcissist. Honestly, all of this sounds horrible, and that you only take pride in your kids and family if it makes you superior to others.

[Anonymous]

Focusing on the negative is often a sign of depression.
You need to stop and think about how this affects your children. You might think they don't know, but they do, oh, they can tell, and you are hurting them and making them think less of themselves, and that mom judges them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are projecting your own disappointments as "jealousy". Not saying that is wrong or bad, but it's not about others as much as maybe your own expectations for your life.

+1. I'm feeling this with regard to wealth and financial options in general - my spouse and I both have do-gooder careers that are relatively low paying for our education level, and it's frustrating to feel like our peers are able to have a standard of living I could have had too if I'd made different choices a decade or two ago. (I don't even mean anything crazy, just "buy a nice SFH instead of a financially conservative TH while chasing postdoc that we now can't afford to move out of as the future of science jobs look so bleak.)

But it's my choices. Somehow literally everyone I know made way better choices than I did. I hust have to try not to let these feelings rub off on my kids.

I still feel so good about my do-good career. I feel proud that I've contributed something of real value to my community. Honestly, people should be more envious of that-- making a difference--instead of the stupid, meaningless things that many people feel envious of.

I'm the PP and it's especially hard for me to feel this way right now because I'm likely to lose my job in the next few weeks/months, and opportunities elsewhere are drying up. If I'm going to have to leave my entire career at 40, I wish I would have started a corporate job 10 or 15 years ago so my family would have some security. Instead I'm having to make calculations like "well, no rent is cheaper than our small house so downsizing isn't an option, but would we be eligible for health insurance subsidies on just spouse's income?"

Purpose and making a difference are good but first you need shelter, food, and medicine covered.

[Anonymous]

I have never been jealous. I don't really know why, I suspect it was because I grew up without siblings and got all the attention I needed from my parents, so I wasn't competitive in most ways.

Even now, I'm in my 50s about 20 lbs overweight with a disfiguring illness and I am not jealous of those trotting around in their best health. We all just have our own path to follow.

Maybe get some talk therapy, to work this through? That might help.

[Anonymous]

I think you've had an interesting path OP, as it seems a big change started in college when you found yourself, started to need makeup, and saw your childhood as naive. I don't mean this in a mean way - just pointing out that something may have happened at that time to make you feel badly about yourself. I second the suggestions of practicing gratitude and therapy. Life is what it is, and we all have joys and setbacks. That truth has proven itself again and again as I've gotten older (mid-fifties now), and this experience has tampered jealousies. We're all doing what we can do, and that's good enough.

[Anonymous]

No, the older I get the less I care. Everyone is just trying to get by and has their own sh8T to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of neighborhood do you live in? I think I would feel that way if I lived in a super rich neighborhood. Where I live there are plenty of moms who don’t get all made up and aren’t always wearing the best clothes. My kids are doing well at their public high school, but we aren’t at one of the “W” schools in MCPS. Would I like to have more money to travel? Sure. Would I like to be thinner—absolutely. Those are two things I get jealous about —skinny people who travel a lot 🤣

FWIW, I live in a W school district, am within five pounds of my marriage weight, and travel (often for work) close to a week per month, but I don’t feel like these are worth being jealous over. There are lots more meaningful things to life. You’re probably doing great at those!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of neighborhood do you live in? I think I would feel that way if I lived in a super rich neighborhood. Where I live there are plenty of moms who don’t get all made up and aren’t always wearing the best clothes. My kids are doing well at their public high school, but we aren’t at one of the “W” schools in MCPS. Would I like to have more money to travel? Sure. Would I like to be thinner—absolutely. Those are two things I get jealous about —skinny people who travel a lot 🤣

FWIW, I live in a W school district, am within five pounds of my marriage weight, and travel (often for work) close to a week per month, but I don’t feel like these are worth being jealous over. There are lots more meaningful things to life. You’re probably doing great at those!

You travel a week every month? Sounds awful

[Anonymous]

You sound sad OP. I feel sorry for you.