Have you become more jealous as you’ve gotten older & have kids?

[Anonymous]

No, I’m less jealous even though I was never particularly jealous to begin with. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen that the grass isn’t always greener. Most people carry burdens and many aren’t obvious.

[Anonymous]

Sadly I am jealous of certain women who married into lovely families.
I know multiple women with inlaws who adore them, sisters in law who are their best friends, same age cousins being raised alongside their kids, lake house properties where they all vacation together.
My inlaws have no money and are ice cold. My SiL is child free and doesn't want to see us or our kids as she has a tight friend group. Every holiday we are alone with our nuclear family (my family is scattered.) I've tried making family friends but they inevitably end up just being MY friends as my husband is not interested in socializing either.
So I'm jealous of women who made good marriage choices basically. I pray that I can get over this.

[Anonymous]

I have always struggled with jealousy. I think it's actually a really normal emotion and the problem is that our cultural response to it is that people simply should not feel it and if they do, should hide it and never admit it, which is unhealthy.

I handle jealousy better now than I did when I was younger (I am also now late 40s) because I've learned to accept and acknowledge it, and not try to suppress it. But I've also learned to be thoughtful about who I express it to, because people can be so judgmental about it. Usually I just journal about it, or I might tell my husband. My DD sometimes feels jealous and we encourage her to tell when she does because we want her to get it out and talk it out with us where we'll be understanding -- if she openly expresses jealousy towards peers, I know she will be shut down and they will make her feel worse. It is a form of vulnerability that people can be very vicious about. Which is too bad.

[Anonymous]

I'm jealous of some things -- women who live in neighborhoods with big friend groups, and people who don't have the same kid worries as me.

But I have a number of very wealthy friends that I don't envy because I see behind the curtain that it doesn't solve their problems. Our closest friends are insanely wealthy -- they're on a 5-star ridiculous vacation right now-- but they have a ton of issues and I don't envy them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are projecting your own disappointments as "jealousy". Not saying that is wrong or bad, but it's not about others as much as maybe your own expectations for your life.

+1. I'm feeling this with regard to wealth and financial options in general - my spouse and I both have do-gooder careers that are relatively low paying for our education level, and it's frustrating to feel like our peers are able to have a standard of living I could have had too if I'd made different choices a decade or two ago. (I don't even mean anything crazy, just "buy a nice SFH instead of a financially conservative TH while chasing postdoc that we now can't afford to move out of as the future of science jobs look so bleak.)

But it's my choices. Somehow literally everyone I know made way better choices than I did. I hust have to try not to let these feelings rub off on my kids.

I still feel so good about my do-good career. I feel proud that I've contributed something of real value to my community. Honestly, people should be more envious of that-- making a difference--instead of the stupid, meaningless things that many people feel envious of.

[Anonymous]

Like when I overhear "what are you up to memorial day?" " were just keeping it low key and hanging out with the Browns. They're just the best family ever"
No one would ever, ever say that about us or even think of us to invite and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly I am jealous of certain women who married into lovely families.
I know multiple women with inlaws who adore them, sisters in law who are their best friends, same age cousins being raised alongside their kids, lake house properties where they all vacation together.
My inlaws have no money and are ice cold. My SiL is child free and doesn't want to see us or our kids as she has a tight friend group. Every holiday we are alone with our nuclear family (my family is scattered.) I've tried making family friends but they inevitably end up just being MY friends as my husband is not interested in socializing either.
So I'm jealous of women who made good marriage choices basically. I pray that I can get over this.

This is the only thing I am actually jealous of. People with good families, parents who are kind and help them out either with time or money. I also used to be jealous of women with kind husbands they’re attracted to. These are the types of things people can’t really change, other than the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are projecting your own disappointments as "jealousy". Not saying that is wrong or bad, but it's not about others as much as maybe your own expectations for your life.

+1. I'm feeling this with regard to wealth and financial options in general - my spouse and I both have do-gooder careers that are relatively low paying for our education level, and it's frustrating to feel like our peers are able to have a standard of living I could have had too if I'd made different choices a decade or two ago. (I don't even mean anything crazy, just "buy a nice SFH instead of a financially conservative TH while chasing postdoc that we now can't afford to move out of as the future of science jobs look so bleak.)

But it's my choices. Somehow literally everyone I know made way better choices than I did. I hust have to try not to let these feelings rub off on my kids.

I still feel so good about my do-good career. I feel proud that I've contributed something of real value to my community. Honestly, people should be more envious of that-- making a difference--instead of the stupid, meaningless things that many people feel envious of.

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Entirely the opposite, my jealousy eating away at my happiness is almost entirely gone. With age wisdom I suppose.

Same. The only thing that triggers me are insecure, competitive people. They stand right out. They brag. They ask questions and I see them comparing to me. When I get one of those, I torture them 😎. I feel like I might be competitive with them but only because they started it and exposed themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entirely the opposite, my jealousy eating away at my happiness is almost entirely gone. With age wisdom I suppose.

Same. The only thing that triggers me are insecure, competitive people. They stand right out. They brag. They ask questions and I see them comparing to me. When I get one of those, I torture them 😎. I feel like I might be competitive with them but only because they started it and exposed themselves.

I wonder if you realize that to a third party, there is absolutely no difference between you and the "insecure, competitive people" you claim to dislike. You are feeding the beast of competition and insecurity and it has a negative impact on everyone, not just the person you are trying to torture. I've been in conversations with parents and acquaintances in DC like this and I hate it. First someone who is clearly feeling insecure and competitive will serve up some obvious brag about their kids or their vacation plans or their house renovation or whatever, and then you come in acting all superior to "torture" them by one-upping or undermining whatever it is they want to brag about. Meanwhile, I'm standing over there like "hahahaha I'm sure both your kids are amazing swimmers! Anyway, I just saw the funniest new show on Netflix, have you seen it? Or can we talk about national politics? Dental work? Anything else?"

Your behavior is just as toxic as the insecure person who is trying to prove how great their family or their kid is. It just turns into a pissing match and everyone loses. Please stop. When people brag, just say "Oh that's great! Good for you!" and then change the subject. That's what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I used to live in a non DMV state and was about to move. I was considering either Boston or DC and looked heavily into the "culture" of both. I eliminated DC because of how it seemed to attract big fish from small ponds and people seemed wildly insecure and petty due to that. That was 20 years ago and it still seems to be the case now. All that to say it may be where you live.

I’ve lived here for more than 20 years and haven’t found that at all. I think it’s more personality and finding what you look for.

[Anonymous]

No. If anything the opposite. The older I get, the more I realize that life can turn on a dime.

The woman with a perfect life one day has a kid with cancer the next.

Also, you see what you thought were perfect couples starting to get divorced and realize they weren't so perfect after all.

The kid who got into Harvard has an anxiety disorder, etc. (See Jamie Raskin's amazingly accomplished son who sadly committed suicide.)

I wonder if you live in a rich neighborhood. The people in my middle class UMC area don't present a particularly perfect facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was don’t remember myself ever being jealous when younger. I was very naive as a young teen, nerdy. “Discovered” myself in college put makeup on, etc. attractive enough, accepted I wasn't a top student but you could hide that then.

Now that I am in my late 40’s, I’m jealous of other women- friends that look better than me, families, theur kids, upset my kids aren’t top students, that they are not graduating on time, the teen not attending top college. I’m just hiding from people.

What’s gotten into me?! Is this a Mid life crisis? I feel like a loser of some sort or all over again. Anyone feel like this?

Troll

[Anonymous]

No

Most people get LESS jealous as they age and experience more of life.

[Anonymous]

Just don't go on social media, that helped me!