Going to college with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

They would definitely live in separate dorms.

I think that is hard for me is the idea that they would both be compromising what they want in a college. They want really different things, and there isn’t a school that fits both well. I worry about a break up, but I also worry that they’ll stay together but there will be resentment.

This is the consequences of encouraging serious dating in highschool. It's beyond your control op. It likely that they will break up before the end of the first semester probably within the first month.

But that's life. You can't shield him from the consequences of his choices. If he ends up breaking up with her and at a school he hates and ends up graduating later than planned because he switches schools that is a lesson for him to learn.
Any attempt by you to get him to see reason will be interpreted as you trying to break them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you say more about why their paths are so different? Is one looking at a top school and the other less competitive? Does one want art school? I find it hard to believe that they couldn’t find “good enough” options for each at a medium or large school. They could consider different schools in the same city or within an hour or 2 if that opens up better options for each.

Both kids want very specific career related majors that aren’t common, so options that have both are rare.

One kid’s family is full pay, but wants an expensive grad degree so will be chasing merit. The other kid’s family is middle class (not DCUM middle class) so the schools that prioritize need based aid over merit aid make sense. In state options make sense for both, but they live on different sides of a state line, so they don’t have shared in state options.

And there are other things, different preferences as far as size and setting. One kid really wants a big sports culture. One wants a certain extracurricular. Finding both is possible but not combined with both their specific majors.

I would remind my kid about what they said they wanted and what they might be giving up. I'm fact, I would ask the guidance counselor to stress these things as well.

I almost followed a boyfriend to his college. He was a year older. So glad I didn't. My public school counselor flat out told me it was likely a big mistake. I was on track for top tier schools and his college would have been a safety. We were together at application time but broken up by the end of the school year.

I wonder if the discouragement has come from my parents I would have rebelled. Hearing it from the counselor was helpful.

[Anonymous]

Fighting this is a losing battle, no matter the outcome.

Embracing it is a matter of strategy. Laser focused strategy.

As long as the school is one that serves your child’s interest, I wouldn’t die on the hill of “It’s not the perfect school.”

They live separately all four years.

They consider summer internships and employment in different locations to allow for trust building in parallel to personal growth.

No formal engagement prior to graduation for both of them.

If they don’t make it, it will be okay and the growth will be massive. If they do make it? Take that blessing and run. She’s a keeper!

Present these expectations in a way that your son sees as good guidance, not criticism. And hope her parents are doing the same.

[Anonymous]

So, my wife and I went to HS and college together. She was a year ahead of me and we started dating her senior year of HS.

Ended up at the same college because that school gave me the best financial package. If I went to another school I would have had huge loans and with the school where she was the loans were really nothing.

It all worked out. We had more issues the first year she was away and then again a summer that she was at school and I was home. Kinda stayed away from one another for a while but eventually got back together.

While at school, we were able to do our own thing, but spent a lot of time together too. We both were involved in Greek life, so that created a large network of overlapping friends. Different majors, different EC stuff too.

Together since 1992 and married since 2000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my wife and I went to HS and college together. She was a year ahead of me and we started dating her senior year of HS.

Ended up at the same college because that school gave me the best financial package. If I went to another school I would have had huge loans and with the school where she was the loans were really nothing.

It all worked out. We had more issues the first year she was away and then again a summer that she was at school and I was home. Kinda stayed away from one another for a while but eventually got back together.

While at school, we were able to do our own thing, but spent a lot of time together too. We both were involved in Greek life, so that created a large network of overlapping friends. Different majors, different EC stuff too.

Together since 1992 and married since 2000.

That actually sounds ideal and healthy. You had your life and she had hers. Though you were at the same school, you didn't revolve your lives around just each other.

[Anonymous]

DH and I started dating in HS. Went to different colleges about 3 hours apart, so we saw each other most weekends. We ended up in grad schools very far apart, and didn’t see each other for a pretty long stretch, but after that moved to the same city (intentionally) and finally got married about 10 years after we first got together. Long distance was tough, but if it’s a mature, long term relationship, it should be able to endure that, since it’s temporary with a known endpoint.

I would encourage your kid to apply to a variety of schools, not just the one(s) the significant other will likely attend.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s boss and his wife had also been dating since middle school. Dated all through HS and then went to the big state flagship together, but didn’t live together until after graduation. They got married about a year or two after graduation and are now coming up on 20 years married and 3 kids. They did not have their first kid until late 20s so they had been married some time by then.

I’m with others on here - it will either work or it won’t. Hopefully they go to a large college with lots of options. If it really, really doesn’t work, someone can always transfer. Not ideal, but kids transfer all the time for lots of reasons. Good luck to both of them!