Going to college with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Just make sure they live in separate dorms and not together, and go to a medium to large school. Mainly be if they start to grow apart, both will have a chance to move on with their lives successfully.

Too small of a school, or living together, may end up being a disaster they don't stay together.

[Anonymous]

Can you say more about why their paths are so different? Is one looking at a top school and the other less competitive? Does one want art school? I find it hard to believe that they couldn’t find “good enough” options for each at a medium or large school. They could consider different schools in the same city or within an hour or 2 if that opens up better options for each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

They would definitely live in separate dorms.

I think that is hard for me is the idea that they would both be compromising what they want in a college. They want really different things, and there isn’t a school that fits both well. I worry about a break up, but I also worry that they’ll stay together but there will be resentment.

Is it that their careers are incompatible long term or different taste in school? Trying to imagine what two careers can't exist at same college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

They would definitely live in separate dorms.

I think that is hard for me is the idea that they would both be compromising what they want in a college. They want really different things, and there isn’t a school that fits both well. I worry about a break up, but I also worry that they’ll stay together but there will be resentment.

It’s beyond your control at this point. It’s possible that they have found something truly special that will last a lifetime and would have been destroyed by separating for college; that would be a great and unnecessary loss. It’s possible that it’s going to crater spectacularly and cause all sorts of problems. No way to know what is best or prevent a bad outcome, you just have to keep your fingers crossed. My suspicion is that if this kind of relationship blows up in college, one or both will transfer, which is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

I would say, as a working mom, that because the patriarchy still exists, they should prioritize your son's major/son's career when picking a school.

I took 6 months leave (most unpaid FMLA) for each of my kids and got let go during my second maternity leave because my corporate employer was struggling financially. I eventually returned to that employer because the pay is high for our area. But was never able to get back on the career ladder.

Men and women still have different games to play to ensure career and kids mesh well together. If the young woman plans to be a career superstar it might go the other way (to be non-sexist), but I find that people who are marriage-minded at a very young age are also ready for kids early and not concerned about optimal career decisions.

Politically incorrect advice, I know, but still realistic. I have female friends and acquaintances where the husband has the less stressful, less traditional career, and I do believe those can work, too. They are just less common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you say more about why their paths are so different? Is one looking at a top school and the other less competitive? Does one want art school? I find it hard to believe that they couldn’t find “good enough” options for each at a medium or large school. They could consider different schools in the same city or within an hour or 2 if that opens up better options for each.

Both kids want very specific career related majors that aren’t common, so options that have both are rare.

One kid’s family is full pay, but wants an expensive grad degree so will be chasing merit. The other kid’s family is middle class (not DCUM middle class) so the schools that prioritize need based aid over merit aid make sense. In state options make sense for both, but they live on different sides of a state line, so they don’t have shared in state options.

And there are other things, different preferences as far as size and setting. One kid really wants a big sports culture. One wants a certain extracurricular. Finding both is possible but not combined with both their specific majors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

Where they go to school doesn't really matter unless you just want a certain name on a degree due to marketing and hype. It's hit or miss at every college now, so pick the one that's cheapest or most convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

Where they go to school doesn't really matter unless you just want a certain name on a degree due to marketing and hype. It's hit or miss at every college now, so pick the one that's cheapest or most convenient.

What’s cheapest for her isn’t what’s cheapest for him, both because their financial situation is different and because they live in different states.

Also where you go to college matters if, for example, you really want to be a nurse and are choosing between two schools one of which has nursing and one doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading this post and thinking OMG hard no, BUT then I remembered (!) that I followed my long-term boyfriend (who was 2 years older) to college. The school is a top 10 public uni so no one could really argue with my choice. We did break up, and part of it was that the school was so large we were each able to find our thing and people - and they weren't the same and that's OK. I would be really, really reluctant for my teenage daughter to make plans to go to a small school because then what? I mean, I didn't even remember that i followed my boyfriend to college!!

If the relationship is meant to be, then their relationship will make it and their paths will lead back to each other, no matter the colleges. As an aside, my children attend a K-12 that seems to have quite a number of married alums, who either went the distance or connected in college or beyond.

What will lead to resentment is compromising on your dreams at 17 years old.

[Anonymous]

If I was the family with money, I would encourage my kid to go to their dream school and promise I would fund travel to see their significant other. I would much rather my kid go to the best fit college even if they spent two weekend a month visiting another school. If they are really meant to be, this should work. If they aren’t meant to be, then my kid should be at the best for school. But, I wouldn’t exert undue pressure over this. I would just point out the options to be together even if not at the same school and express my willingness to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

Where they go to school doesn't really matter unless you just want a certain name on a degree due to marketing and hype. It's hit or miss at every college now, so pick the one that's cheapest or most convenient.

What’s cheapest for her isn’t what’s cheapest for him, both because their financial situation is different and because they live in different states.

Also where you go to college matters if, for example, you really want to be a nurse and are choosing between two schools one of which has nursing and one doesn’t.

Oh good lord, what a silly comment.
"It matters where you go, cause if you go to a town with no college you don't get a degree!" LMAO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was the family with money, I would encourage my kid to go to their dream school and promise I would fund travel to see their significant other. I would much rather my kid go to the best fit college even if they spent two weekend a month visiting another school. If they are really meant to be, this should work. If they aren’t meant to be, then my kid should be at the best for school. But, I wouldn’t exert undue pressure over this. I would just point out the options to be together even if not at the same school and express my willingness to pay.

Agreed. A couple that wants to get married should be able to endure some separation in college for the sake of financial health fir both parties. In the era of web calling, this isn't very painful.

[Anonymous]

OP, when it's actually time to apply, insist on an extensive list. For choices. Indicate that you will want 10 applications submitted. Don't make it known it's because of the GF. Just insist because it's a responsible thing to do.

Btw though, brother went off to a lesser school because that is the one his GF got into. They married after freshmen year of college. Both graduated from college. Brother graduated from law school. Chose to wait 10 years before starting a family. Been married 30 years. A data point of 1, from 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

My DD is going off to college in the fall. She has been with her boyfriend since middle school. They are going to different colleges about an hour apart. DD committed first and I don't know if her decision influenced his in any way.

I went to college for a boy. He was younger than me and said he would follow me. He didn't. I changed my major for another boy. I didn't marry either of them. I don't regret any of the decisions I made. I am glad I did what I did. I don't have any regrets of what might have been. I found out they weren't for me on my terms.

[Anonymous]

My DS was a freshman this past year and his roommate came with his high school girlfriend. According to DS, this kid made no friends at all, wouldn't even go to dinner with him or other guys on the hall. No clubs. Just the girlfriend. To me, that doesn't seem like the healthiest dynamic.