Going to college with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

[Anonymous]

My aunt met her husband in school band around age 14.

They went to Penn State together. She studied to be an elementary teacher and he was studying CS.

They are in their 70s now, still married.

As I was growing up and starting to date, there still were snarky comments being made about my grandma trying to encourage her daughter to date other people. Which was reasonable, although there was nothing very disqualifying about my uncle in the short or long term.

So I guess I'd say you should be very careful about how you phrase things you say.

If they are very serious, a future breakup point might not come until they start scoping out post-college lives, if at all.

I dated my high school boyfriend from senior year theough sophomore year of college. He wasn't husband material but it took me a while to get fed up enough to decide that being single was better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

If they have been together for this long, why interfere ?

[Anonymous]

PP. Also, I went to a different university than my high school boyfriend (3 hours away) and we still dated. I didn't like the school I picked, so I transferred to the one my boyfriend was at (because it was similar quality but closer to home). We still broke up anyway because our relationship ran its course. I really liked the university I transferred into. Hadn't considered it during senior year. If I had, I bet my mom would have put up a fuss because she didn't like my boyfriend.

I met my husband at the university that I transferred to.

All's well that ends well.

[Anonymous]

My spouses kid did it and it did not end well years later. If they do it, they should live separately. The kids rented a house per her parents blessing starting freshman year with him taking out huge loans to pay for it as she refused the dorms…

[Anonymous]

I would probably just let it play out, but I would hope they'd choose a medium or large school. I think a breakup at a small school would be very hard.

[Anonymous]

I picked my college because of my HS boyfriend. No, it didn’t work out and we were broken up by freshman year of college. It was a good school and it’s hard to know if I would have made a different decision. It definitely affected my choice of school.

Chances are they will live in dorms and not together either way, right? I would not be okay with an off campus apartment but as long as they are in campus housing at a decent sized college it’s fine. They will stay together or break up. They are still young.

[Anonymous]

11:29 and I met a different long term boyfriend in college freshman year. I didn’t marry him either but as the other poster said, it all works out. I ended up meeting DH not in college at all but in the real world later, the summer before senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably just let it play out, but I would hope they'd choose a medium or large school. I think a breakup at a small school would be very hard.

100% correct.

[Anonymous]

I’d insist they get engaged before going off to school together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d insist they get engaged before going off to school together.

They would be thrilled to do that. I don’t see how that’s a good thing at 18.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

They would definitely live in separate dorms.

I think that is hard for me is the idea that they would both be compromising what they want in a college. They want really different things, and there isn’t a school that fits both well. I worry about a break up, but I also worry that they’ll stay together but there will be resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

They would definitely live in separate dorms.

I think that is hard for me is the idea that they would both be compromising what they want in a college. They want really different things, and there isn’t a school that fits both well. I worry about a break up, but I also worry that they’ll stay together but there will be resentment.

Encourage your kid to pick a school that is best for them without considering the boyfriend; that's all you can do. Regardless of where they go to college, the relationship might work out or it might not. Unfortunately, we can't predict the future, but many kids go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

I have a friend where both boys have done/are doing this. I would be supremely disappointed that my children are not capable to finding out who they are by themselves for a few years (still together but not making college decisions based on the relationship) or are too afraid to be away from the bf/gf. I think it's weak and not healthy. But, there is nothing you can really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old junior has been dating the same girl since middle school. For the past year or so, both kids have been talking about getting married after college. She's a great kid, and they're great together, but it seems really early for that talk.

Both kids have very clear visions for what they want in college and career, and if it weren't for each other they'd make different choices, but they are very focused on going to college close together or at the same school.

I worry about this, but wanted to hear other people's thoughts. If your kid picked a school they wouldn't have otherwise picked, to be with a girlfriend/boyfriend, how did it work out? If your kid picked the school that was the best fit, over staying with a long time boyfriend/girlfriend, how did that work out? Any thoughts as I guide them?

I have a friend where both boys have done/are doing this. I would be supremely disappointed that my children are not capable to finding out who they are by themselves for a few years (still together but not making college decisions based on the relationship) or are too afraid to be away from the bf/gf. I think it's weak and not healthy. But, there is nothing you can really do.

This. I think if the relationship was meant to be, they would make it work regardless of where they go to college. My DD has a BF that's one year older and he'll be going away this fall. They said they wanted to stay together but let's see what happens during the year. If they can make it work, I think that's great. If not, then it's not meant to be.