Sixth grade girl ditching old friends

[Anonymous]

From the other perspective, I went to NCS but did not join till middle and found the trend of lifers or close to lifers only being friends with their friends from the lower grades cliquey, snobby, and annoying. What's wrong with making new friends and not just sticking with the same friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the other perspective, I went to NCS but did not join till middle and found the trend of lifers or close to lifers only being friends with their friends from the lower grades cliquey, snobby, and annoying. What's wrong with making new friends and not just sticking with the same friends?

I'm not the OP but you do have a point. Ideally our kids would both treat their old friends well AND bring new friends into the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the other perspective, I went to NCS but did not join till middle and found the trend of lifers or close to lifers only being friends with their friends from the lower grades cliquey, snobby, and annoying. What's wrong with making new friends and not just sticking with the same friends?

Nothing at all wrong with making new friends, but i don't think your assumption of kids who have the same friends is right at all. If kids really don't like each other anymore and don't want to be friends, fine, but nothing at all wrong with being able to stay friends with old friends

[Anonymous]

Back off! I say that with love.

Also, bad idea to assume friends from K will continue to be wonderful and the popular girls are villains.

Let it play out.

[Anonymous]

She has to learn this on her own. It’s unfair to the ‘ditched’ friends to have your DD treated like some prize who deigns to see them on her terms. She sounds unbearable already. Leave those other girls absent from your conversations; they and their moms don’t deserve managing your DD’s token visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

My daughter is in seventh and has spent a good chunk of the last few months in the "left behind" group. Even from that vantage point, I agree with this. But I would also say that no one does this gracefully - your daughter and these friends have probably taken some kind of nuclear option where they either openly make fun of the old friends or totally ignore them to make the point they are cooler now - and they are smart enough to do it in a way that you won't see. Like if you asked a teacher, not sure she would say what your kid is saying about lunch. And for the former friends, even if they don't show it, it stings. So if the new group doesn't pan out, it's not on them to pick up where she left off.

ITA. Old friends are not a lifeline for someone trying out ‘cool’ personas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sixth grader who goes to a K-8 has had a solid group of friends for a couple of years, and in the past two months she has followed two of her friends from that group to becoming friends with another cohort that includes some “popular” girls. I have not heard of or witnessed any mean behavior, but I know that my daughter has left behind three or so girls that she considered best friends.

I have asked her about this, and she has told me that she takes turns sitting at lunch with them and still sees them outside of school, but I know she is most excited to spend time with her new group. I know some of her old friends are upset and miss her.

I am having trouble figuring out the best way to get my daughter to realize that ditching longtime friends for new kids who are slightly cooler is a bad move. I’m wondering if I just need to let this all play out and should back off. I feel like this is a life lesson, but I’m not sure if it’s one I need to teach her or if she has to learn it on her own.

Advice?

This is hard, op, and you probably can't do anything. But, you're right ditching friends in an effort to be cool is not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed a lot. The popular group is not the one you want for your child. We live in a liberal wealthy town. My oldest was always with the same friends, the popular fast group. Some had serious activities outside of school like my daughter. Some played sports, some did nothing but there wasn’t any one thing they all had in common other than they were considered popular. Drugs, alcohol, sex all earlier than the other kids.

My youngest has a nice group of friends. I’m so happy she’s not in that type of group. I don’t see her changing.

I’d recommend keeping her as busy as possible .

This. Same experience. The popular crowd is a disaster. Nothing but headaches.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A K-8 school is pretty small. The real problem is there are not enough same-grade students for a change in social groups to not be impactful, and be viewed as cruel. In larger school settings, tweens/teens reinvent themselves, drawn to new experiences and new people. The most natural thing in the world and not a bad thing.

This is definitely a part of the problem. Few people have the same core group of friends from K through 12. Friendships shift as kids change. This dynamic is made harder and it feels more personal when there is a small number of kids.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a friend who seems to be moving towards this “popular “ group. The girls are usually the ones fastest to hang out with boys and date faster.

I’m glad my daughter is not in this group and am already concerned with the number of boys who have crushes on DD and call her hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A K-8 school is pretty small. The real problem is there are not enough same-grade students for a change in social groups to not be impactful, and be viewed as cruel. In larger school settings, tweens/teens reinvent themselves, drawn to new experiences and new people. The most natural thing in the world and not a bad thing.

This is definitely a part of the problem. Few people have the same core group of friends from K through 12. Friendships shift as kids change. This dynamic is made harder and it feels more personal when there is a small number of kids.

I have a friend whose daughter is in a K-12. My friend recently told me how her 16yo left out her bff from preschool. Some friends invited my friend’s daughter but not her bff. This is high school!!!

[Anonymous]

Meant her school is PK-12. Much of her preschool class is still at her high school.

I know she went through a time when her daughter went to the popular crowd and one less pretty overweight girl was not included and the girls are no longer friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back off! I say that with love.

Also, bad idea to assume friends from K will continue to be wonderful and the popular girls are villains.

Let it play out.

I have a son but went through something similar in 5th grade. My wise friend told me “sometimes there’s a good reason” and she was right. Longtime or “less cool” does not always equal better.

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone and do not get involved. It will work itself out. My DD is a junior and has been on both sides of this situation and it always works itself out. Kids grow up, change, interests change, etc. This is all part of learning to navigate social situations. It can be really painful to watch, regardless of which side your kid is on.

[Anonymous]

Idk as long as she's being kind about it, it's OK to have friendships change over time