Sixth grade girl ditching old friends

[Anonymous]

My sixth grader who goes to a K-8 has had a solid group of friends for a couple of years, and in the past two months she has followed two of her friends from that group to becoming friends with another cohort that includes some “popular” girls. I have not heard of or witnessed any mean behavior, but I know that my daughter has left behind three or so girls that she considered best friends.

I have asked her about this, and she has told me that she takes turns sitting at lunch with them and still sees them outside of school, but I know she is most excited to spend time with her new group. I know some of her old friends are upset and miss her.

I am having trouble figuring out the best way to get my daughter to realize that ditching longtime friends for new kids who are slightly cooler is a bad move. I’m wondering if I just need to let this all play out and should back off. I feel like this is a life lesson, but I’m not sure if it’s one I need to teach her or if she has to learn it on her own.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

[Anonymous]

Let it be. Very normal at this age. But she should realize that if she decides that the cool girls aren’t as cool as she thought, or they drop her, she may not be able to easily go back to her old friends. I am seeing this play out now with DC (who was one of the ones left behind and the group has moved on).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

+1

My DD did something similar and tired of the new friends after awhile and went back to her usual group being her primary friends. Remained friendly with the “new friends” as well. She didn’t burn any real bridges with the original friends either though- at least not in any way not easily repaired.

Leave it be. Very normal.

[Anonymous]

Very very normal.

Read “Untangled,” it will help. Promise.

[Anonymous]

I think it's somewhat normal to outgrow your friends sometimes. As long as she is not exhibiting mean girl behavior, leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

This is the age when girls need to diversify their friends and have multiple groups. I would really push on this.

What is that old song about making new friends but keeping the old ones?

Also, just as an FYI I kept asking my DD why she'd ditched a very nice girl she'd been friends with for years and suggesting she reach out, and she kept blowing me off. Finally she told me that girl was vaping and smoking weed all the time. Whoops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

My daughter is in seventh and has spent a good chunk of the last few months in the "left behind" group. Even from that vantage point, I agree with this. But I would also say that no one does this gracefully - your daughter and these friends have probably taken some kind of nuclear option where they either openly make fun of the old friends or totally ignore them to make the point they are cooler now - and they are smart enough to do it in a way that you won't see. Like if you asked a teacher, not sure she would say what your kid is saying about lunch. And for the former friends, even if they don't show it, it stings. So if the new group doesn't pan out, it's not on them to pick up where she left off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

My daughter is in seventh and has spent a good chunk of the last few months in the "left behind" group. Even from that vantage point, I agree with this. But I would also say that no one does this gracefully - your daughter and these friends have probably taken some kind of nuclear option where they either openly make fun of the old friends or totally ignore them to make the point they are cooler now - and they are smart enough to do it in a way that you won't see. Like if you asked a teacher, not sure she would say what your kid is saying about lunch. And for the former friends, even if they don't show it, it stings. So if the new group doesn't pan out, it's not on them to pick up where she left off.

Agree with this. I know my dd's former friend told her parents some misleading (at best) things when trading up for a "cooler" group. I was so tempted to correct them and tell them about a specific man action I had witnessed with my own eyes, but I know my view is also not a perfect one.

[Anonymous]

This has been discussed a lot. The popular group is not the one you want for your child. We live in a liberal wealthy town. My oldest was always with the same friends, the popular fast group. Some had serious activities outside of school like my daughter. Some played sports, some did nothing but there wasn’t any one thing they all had in common other than they were considered popular. Drugs, alcohol, sex all earlier than the other kids.

My youngest has a nice group of friends. I’m so happy she’s not in that type of group. I don’t see her changing.

I’d recommend keeping her as busy as possible .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's somewhat normal to outgrow your friends sometimes. As long as she is not exhibiting mean girl behavior, leave it alone.

This

[Anonymous]

Friendships change. My senior is close with one kid he had in 7th grade and none from elementary school anymore. Nothing happened. They drifted naturally.

My 8th grader is close with 2 girls from elementary school but they are not girls she was close to when they were in k-8. They were acquaintances then. Her very close group up until 6th grade mostly drifted apart naturally in middle school.

Don’t interfere unless you see mean behavior. This is normal. Having different friend groups is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed a lot. The popular group is not the one you want for your child. We live in a liberal wealthy town. My oldest was always with the same friends, the popular fast group. Some had serious activities outside of school like my daughter. Some played sports, some did nothing but there wasn’t any one thing they all had in common other than they were considered popular. Drugs, alcohol, sex all earlier than the other kids.

My youngest has a nice group of friends. I’m so happy she’s not in that type of group. I don’t see her changing.

I’d recommend keeping her as busy as possible .

This. Same experience. The popular crowd is a disaster. Nothing but headaches.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree about not loving the popular crowd as a concept for potential friends. Although she is at a small school and the kids will continue to many different schools, so I am also not too worried about her friends in sixth grade necessarily being the same ones she has in high school.

I am also well aware of the possibility that the new group doesn’t pan out and the old group doesn’t accept her back. I think that is not something she is considering. She knows I have some concern about this change and about her treatment of her old friends, but I also want her to feel comfortable coming to me. I think I will have another conversation about preserving those friendships while still exploring new ones. I’m also grateful summer is coming so there’s a bit more space around all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it be. Very normal at this age. But she should realize that if she decides that the cool girls aren’t as cool as she thought, or they drop her, she may not be able to easily go back to her old friends. I am seeing this play out now with DC (who was one of the ones left behind and the group has moved on).

I like this. I’d be inclined to say hey, friendships change and that’s okay, but be empathetic and kind about it and remember you can’t necessarily undo these things. Be mindful about your choices. And then let it play out without comment.