Sixth grade girl ditching old friends

[Anonymous]

At this age this is usually about maturity. Physical maturity and discussing boys, feelings toward boys and trying to understand more about boy/girl relationships. Girls who are not as mature physically aren't ready for these discussions. For some of the girls who you say have moved-on, there is actually a bit of kindness involved, protecting the younger girls from topics they aren't ready for. Not all girls are included in the new cliche because there is not enough, at this time, in common. It's not as much about being cool as it is about being more advanced along the timeline of puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sixth grader who goes to a K-8 has had a solid group of friends for a couple of years, and in the past two months she has followed two of her friends from that group to becoming friends with another cohort that includes some “popular” girls. I have not heard of or witnessed any mean behavior, but I know that my daughter has left behind three or so girls that she considered best friends.

I have asked her about this, and she has told me that she takes turns sitting at lunch with them and still sees them outside of school, but I know she is most excited to spend time with her new group. I know some of her old friends are upset and miss her.

I am having trouble figuring out the best way to get my daughter to realize that ditching longtime friends for new kids who are slightly cooler is a bad move. I’m wondering if I just need to let this all play out and should back off. I feel like this is a life lesson, but I’m not sure if it’s one I need to teach her or if she has to learn it on her own.

Advice?

Good for for trying op, I hope it works. It's so weird to me that this is middle school and kids ditch friends and other thigs for the sake of trying to be cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sixth grader who goes to a K-8 has had a solid group of friends for a couple of years, and in the past two months she has followed two of her friends from that group to becoming friends with another cohort that includes some “popular” girls. I have not heard of or witnessed any mean behavior, but I know that my daughter has left behind three or so girls that she considered best friends.

I have asked her about this, and she has told me that she takes turns sitting at lunch with them and still sees them outside of school, but I know she is most excited to spend time with her new group. I know some of her old friends are upset and miss her.

I am having trouble figuring out the best way to get my daughter to realize that ditching longtime friends for new kids who are slightly cooler is a bad move. I’m wondering if I just need to let this all play out and should back off. I feel like this is a life lesson, but I’m not sure if it’s one I need to teach her or if she has to learn it on her own.

Advice?

Good for for trying op, I hope it works. It's so weird to me that this is middle school and kids ditch friends and other thigs for the sake of trying to be cool.

This is weird to you? This seems like the middle school story tale as old as time. This scenario is usually what people's lasting memory of middle school was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sixth grader who goes to a K-8 has had a solid group of friends for a couple of years, and in the past two months she has followed two of her friends from that group to becoming friends with another cohort that includes some “popular” girls. I have not heard of or witnessed any mean behavior, but I know that my daughter has left behind three or so girls that she considered best friends.

I have asked her about this, and she has told me that she takes turns sitting at lunch with them and still sees them outside of school, but I know she is most excited to spend time with her new group. I know some of her old friends are upset and miss her.

I am having trouble figuring out the best way to get my daughter to realize that ditching longtime friends for new kids who are slightly cooler is a bad move. I’m wondering if I just need to let this all play out and should back off. I feel like this is a life lesson, but I’m not sure if it’s one I need to teach her or if she has to learn it on her own.

Advice?

Good for for trying op, I hope it works. It's so weird to me that this is middle school and kids ditch friends and other thigs for the sake of trying to be cool.

This is weird to you? This seems like the middle school story tale as old as time. This scenario is usually what people's lasting memory of middle school was.

I know it happens, happened to me too. Maybe weird was a poor word choice. I was a victim of this as a kid and it sucks, because it usually happens for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Just because this is seen a normal, op, doesn't mean it's good. Id try to ask your daughter what's going on.

[Anonymous]

A K-8 school is pretty small. The real problem is there are not enough same-grade students for a change in social groups to not be impactful, and be viewed as cruel. In larger school settings, tweens/teens reinvent themselves, drawn to new experiences and new people. The most natural thing in the world and not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

It is perfectly normal and you largely have to let it play out. So long as she is not cruel, she has to learn these lessons for herself.

DD largely changed her friend group in 7th but that had more to do with their priorities diverging. She didn't gravitate to the popular girls but to girls who were less materialistic, less boy crazy, and, frankly, more aligned with the values we espouse in our home.

I give her credit for trying new ECs and staying after school to hang out and trybro make a new friend group.

Worst case scenario for your DD: She realizes what matters most to her and maybe she has a tough year or so if she tries to go back to the old friend and they have moved on. Valuable life lesson and, while it hurts to see your kid hurting, sometimes they have to learn life's lessons the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

Exactly. It's good for her to float a little. Just remind her to stay kind to the other girls, because we can never have too many friends to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

My daughter is in seventh and has spent a good chunk of the last few months in the "left behind" group. Even from that vantage point, I agree with this. But I would also say that no one does this gracefully - your daughter and these friends have probably taken some kind of nuclear option where they either openly make fun of the old friends or totally ignore them to make the point they are cooler now - and they are smart enough to do it in a way that you won't see. Like if you asked a teacher, not sure she would say what your kid is saying about lunch. And for the former friends, even if they don't show it, it stings. So if the new group doesn't pan out, it's not on them to pick up where she left off.

Agree with this. I know my dd's former friend told her parents some misleading (at best) things when trading up for a "cooler" group. I was so tempted to correct them and tell them about a specific man action I had witnessed with my own eyes, but I know my view is also not a perfect one.

This is not always the case, though it can be. My DD is older for her age (October bday) and the youngest child and was feeling like she outgrew some of her friends from elementary school when she got to middle school. They may outwardly be seen as more "popular" than her elementary friends, but they are more like her in a lot of ways (into travel sports, make up, etc.) She is still friendly with her old friends, but they seem to have less in common than before.

[Anonymous]

I recently saw this stat: In sixth grade, only a third of friendships endure through the school year, research shows. By 12th grade, just 1 percent of middle school friendships remain intact.⁠

I think its pretty normal that friendships evolve in middle school as kids focus more on their interests and friendship and friends take a higher priority in their lives (many times a shift away from family being the highest priority). I would not interfere and be there as sounding board if she needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently saw this stat: In sixth grade, only a third of friendships endure through the school year, research shows. By 12th grade, just 1 percent of middle school friendships remain intact.⁠

I think its pretty normal that friendships evolve in middle school as kids focus more on their interests and friendship and friends take a higher priority in their lives (many times a shift away from family being the highest priority). I would not interfere and be there as sounding board if she needs it.

I can see more of friendships dissolving in high school, but this young is just puzzling to me. I know it happens, happened to me, but that's why I suggested to op that they talk to their daughter. Friendship don't just dissolve for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently saw this stat: In sixth grade, only a third of friendships endure through the school year, research shows. By 12th grade, just 1 percent of middle school friendships remain intact.⁠

I think its pretty normal that friendships evolve in middle school as kids focus more on their interests and friendship and friends take a higher priority in their lives (many times a shift away from family being the highest priority). I would not interfere and be there as sounding board if she needs it.

I can see more of friendships dissolving in high school, but this young is just puzzling to me. I know it happens, happened to me, but that's why I suggested to op that they talk to their daughter. Friendship don't just dissolve for no reason.

I think the reason in Middle School for making a switch like that is the other group is more alluring - they have more social power - they invite you in and you want to give it a go.

[Anonymous]

Normal. And I agree with PP that so long as there is no mean girl behavior going on, let it be. DD can remain friendly with everyone, even if she now chooses to spend more time with new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this age this is usually about maturity. Physical maturity and discussing boys, feelings toward boys and trying to understand more about boy/girl relationships. Girls who are not as mature physically aren't ready for these discussions. For some of the girls who you say have moved-on, there is actually a bit of kindness involved, protecting the younger girls from topics they aren't ready for. Not all girls are included in the new cliche because there is not enough, at this time, in common. It's not as much about being cool as it is about being more advanced along the timeline of puberty.

Lol, what a bunch of self serving nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t interfere unless she’s actively picking on other kids. It’s normal for kids to drift apart from old friends and form new bonds at this age.

My daughter is in seventh and has spent a good chunk of the last few months in the "left behind" group. Even from that vantage point, I agree with this. But I would also say that no one does this gracefully - your daughter and these friends have probably taken some kind of nuclear option where they either openly make fun of the old friends or totally ignore them to make the point they are cooler now - and they are smart enough to do it in a way that you won't see. Like if you asked a teacher, not sure she would say what your kid is saying about lunch. And for the former friends, even if they don't show it, it stings. So if the new group doesn't pan out, it's not on them to pick up where she left off.

Agree with this. I know my dd's former friend told her parents some misleading (at best) things when trading up for a "cooler" group. I was so tempted to correct them and tell them about a specific man action I had witnessed with my own eyes, but I know my view is also not a perfect one.

This is not always the case, though it can be. My DD is older for her age (October bday) and the youngest child and was feeling like she outgrew some of her friends from elementary school when she got to middle school. They may outwardly be seen as more "popular" than her elementary friends, but they are more like her in a lot of ways (into travel sports, make up, etc.) She is still friendly with her old friends, but they seem to have less in common than before.

Lol this is almost verbatim what dd's former friend's mom said.