I don't like my in laws and I'm finally at peace with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here we go, the usual DCurbanmom pile on. Of course everything must be my fault! I'm stupid, greedy, entitled etc

You counting and expecting other people’s money is entitled, tacky and gross. Your ILs sound awful, but so do you. You deserve each other!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever realised they just don't like their in laws and accepted it and dropped the rope?

for context my husband and I have been together for 14 years. Married nine. Just had our second child together. his parents never really welcomed me. They didn't acknowledge me for the first year of our relationship and didn't even say congratulations when we got engaged.

After the second baby was born they've offered the bare minimum of help. They stayed with us after the baby was born and I was up cooking and cleaning for them five days post c section while they sat on the couch and watched tv. any request for help (physical childcare or financial help) was met with a response of "it's your responsibility". Eventually they agreed to give us some financial help (bear in mind these people are worth tens of millions of dollars).

We both have good jobs but the cost of childcare around here is astronomical. We've never asked them for money until now and it's just a short term request for help. It's just the attitude behind it is so bad!

Also my FIL refers to me as "the mother" when talking about the children. Apparently I don't even have a name!

anyway I'm just at the point where I'm done with them. My husband can facilitate the relationship with them. I can't even be bothered to answer their FaceTime calls. Maybe this is poor DIL behaviour but when people treat you so indifferently and disrespectfully for so many years- it's hard to muster up the energy to care anymore.

LOL
You asked for money. You are greedy and therefore in their eyes - you are a pig. Drop the rope, don't drop the rope, hang yourself with the rope - it does not matter.

[Anonymous]

I realized far too late that my MIL is a troubled, narcissistic, toxic person. I was raised as a people pleaser and so for far too long I tried my best to ignore the slights, the digs, the sarcastic comments and her haughty attitude towards me.

She blew up at me in a very public way causing me embarrassment and humiliation and that’s when I left the relationship. That was almost 15 years ago.

MIL has zero intuition and lacks self awareness and so took to asking my then teen DC why I didn’t like her.

I had to go gray rock and cut ties and am in therapy. Wish I’d had done this all sooner.

My MIL can’t figure out why I don’t want to take her to lunch, why I don’t visit, call, text.

DH has never confronted his mom nor explained (and this is an entirely different problem) so here we are. I kind of love that at this point in my life that I am an enigma to my MIL! At least I’ve removed myself from any and all expectations regarding her care in her twilight years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can afford the second child. It would just be nice if they were able to offer some financial help to make this time a bit easier for us, given they are multi millionaires and they provide financial support to their other unemployed children.

I don’t understand. What would you use the money for?

[Anonymous]

Why is it your IL’s responsibility to support you and your husband financially?

[Anonymous]

I bet the in laws have expectations though. I would stop asking them for physical and emotional help and just be grateful for the money. Many many in laws will never be happy with anyone unless that person is a mirror image od themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP ain’t at peace with $hit. Strange title.

[Anonymous]

Either you suck up in hopes of getting money or you just let go. But it sounds like you do care, like they are difficult but also asking for money is in poor taste. Should they offer it given you say they give to other kids? Absolutely, but you catch more flies with honey.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like these people and don’t want to interact with them, let alone depend on them, don’t ask them for money!!!! Especially since your follow up makes clear it’s not some dire “I need money or I will be homeless” situation.

If they didn’t care for you before you started asking for money (and you are acting pretty entitled to it and comparing what they give you guys as compared to their other children - which by the way isn’t even something for you to be upset over as they are DH’s parents not yours), they will definitely not care for you after!

Distance and financial dependence don’t go together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dropped the rope on mine. But when you’re making asks for childcare assistance and financial assistance you have an obligation. I think you’re quite entitled to expect or even ask for money but not answer FaceTime calls.

Yes this.

I'd rather eat ramen for a year before I'd ask my in-laws for financial help. That would give them WAY too much power over me. No effing way.

I also dropped the rope on mine and it's made my life much better. It's made my DH's a bit harder, but it's his family to manage. We've been married 15 years with 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can afford the second child. It would just be nice if they were able to offer some financial help to make this time a bit easier for us, given they are multi millionaires and they provide financial support to their other unemployed children.

I agree with them. It is not their responsibility! Just because they have millions does not mean you are entitled to it. They probably smell that a mile away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dropped the rope on mine. But when you’re making asks for childcare assistance and financial assistance you have an obligation. I think you’re quite entitled to expect or even ask for money but not answer FaceTime calls.

Yes this.

I'd rather eat ramen for a year before I'd ask my in-laws for financial help. That would give them WAY too much power over me. No effing way.

I also dropped the rope on mine and it's made my life much better. It's made my DH's a bit harder, but it's his family to manage. We've been married 15 years with 2 kids.

Same, no way I would ever ask them for help.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. Its so freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are different. Maybe even special. You can't change it really. There's not right or wrong.
Mine are on spectrum which makes them strange to me and I'm strange to them. I just keep my distance.

Have good communication with your husband about approach. Develop boundaries that work for you and your kids.

My ILs are nice people but generally needy and FIL on the spectrum so there is a lot of planning and accommodation. I used to try to do it, but it was never quite right. I finally insisted my husband take vacation days for the duration of their visits and is the primary support.

This arrangement has been so much better for our marriage and my relationship with my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever realised they just don't like their in laws and accepted it and dropped the rope?

for context my husband and I have been together for 14 years. Married nine. Just had our second child together. his parents never really welcomed me. They didn't acknowledge me for the first year of our relationship and didn't even say congratulations when we got engaged.

After the second baby was born they've offered the bare minimum of help. They stayed with us after the baby was born and I was up cooking and cleaning for them five days post c section while they sat on the couch and watched tv. any request for help (physical childcare or financial help) was met with a response of "it's your responsibility". Eventually they agreed to give us some financial help (bear in mind these people are worth tens of millions of dollars).

We both have good jobs but the cost of childcare around here is astronomical. We've never asked them for money until now and it's just a short term request for help. It's just the attitude behind it is so bad!

Also my FIL refers to me as "the mother" when talking about the children. Apparently I don't even have a name!

anyway I'm just at the point where I'm done with them. My husband can facilitate the relationship with them. I can't even be bothered to answer their FaceTime calls. Maybe this is poor DIL behaviour but when people treat you so indifferently and disrespectfully for so many years- it's hard to muster up the energy to care anymore.

I did. I stopped visiting them after 20 years of putting up with their nonsense. Did not go to either FIL or MIL funerals. No contact with the siblings. DH and I are happy.