Reply to Asking if anyone has experienced engaging the birth mom of your adopted child?

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[quote=Anonymous]Adoption is very common in my extended family. One of my sibs is adopted. Many adoptees in my family, including my adopted sib, have reached out to their bio moms. Most of the "reunions" have been okay or good.

Not knowing who they "really"  were was very hard on my sib. Finding bio mom really helped emotionally. A couple of years after my sib traveled to meet bio mom and half siblings the bio family had a big extended family reunion and invited my sib. Sib, sib's son, and our (her adopted) mom went. They had a great time. After that sib saw one or two of half sibs about once a year.

The family reunion caused one of bio mom's cousins to search for the son she gave up. That case was truly tragic as bio dad was in the military during Vietnam and never wrote her. He didn't know about the child. About 18 months later, bio dad reached out to old girlfriend, said Vietnam had really messed up his head. He waited to contact his old girlfriend until he got out of the service and spent about six months in therapy for PTSD. He was shocked when he found out he had a son. They married. They tried to find the child unsuccessfully. Meeting my sib made them try again. This time they were successful. Son was now legally an adult so adoptive parents couldn't stop the meeting. It turned out that the adoption was not successful and kid had unhappy childhood. He was delighted  to meet his bio parents. He moved to live close to them and joined bio dad's business.

My adult child also has a friend who was a transnational, transracial adoptee. She had a spectacularly happy reunion with bio bom and sibs. I have a friend who gave up a child for adoption. She underwent extensive therapy at the time. Her bio daughter came looking for her.   There were a few issues but they worked them out and are now friends. That case was complicated because bio dad also came looking at about the same time. My friend wants nothing to do with bio father. It took a while for adult adoptee child to understand that.

Feeling a need to know who they "really" are can be very important to some adoptees.That's been true for my sib and a number of other adoptees in my family. In one case, the adoptee couldn't find the bio mom and he is a screwed up mess.

I' m also into genealogy and there are TONS of adoptees searching for bio parents.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching "Long Lost Families." I prefer the British version to the US one, in part because some of its stories feature cases where the reunions go wrong. In most of those cases though there were red flags before the reunion which might have caused some adoptees to halt shy of the reunion.

Sometimes, even when the bio parent refuses contact they are sometimes willing to give the adoptee info which can help. Info re medical history, for example. In one case, the adult child searching found out that they were the product of rape and that is why bio mom didn't want to meet. Believe it or not, that HELPED the adoptee. He had always wondered why bio mom "rejected" him and getting a reason he understood helped. In that case the adult adoptee was an Evangelical who believed abortion is wrong and his reaction was something like "she did the right thing. I now know that my bio mom was a really good person with the courage of her convictions. Please let her know I am doing well in life d thank her for my life from the bottom of my heart." He also told the show to let her know he'd never try to contact her again.

There was also a documentary on PBS many years ago about another rape situation. Again, knowing why she was"rejected" helped the adoptee. Eventually, both adoptee and bio mom decided to meet. Meeting went very well.

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