13 year old son doesn’t seem to have friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

Disagree. My 7th grade son doesn’t really see anyone outside of school (he had never asked), but it pretty well liked in school, according to teachers and from what I can see. He seems to have several friends and is always laughing and joking with a few kids at pickup, always has people to sit with at lunch, seems very happy in general. He also has friends through an extracurricular sport outside of school. Again, happy to socialize with them there and the occasional get together, but is never asking to make plans. He seems perfectly fine doing his own thing on weekends and after school, (which are very busy anyhow), and socializing at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you said he isn’t athletic, but could you require him to choose a school sport next year- if there are any that are no-cut? Cross country or track maybe? Usually those kids are pretty nice, and many are not traditionally athletic (the meaner boys tend to play football, basketball etc IME, so won’t be around…). Or try a less popular sport out, if there is one?

Because that would mean a lot of time spent together with the same kids- easier to make friends.

If he’s not athletic why sports? There are plenty of activities where you spend time with the same kids and get to know them. It’s a matter of finding the right one.

DP. But I agree about him finding a sport. He should. There are so many benefits to physically challenging yourself, that are mental too. Plus you bond with others while doing a sport in a different way; through winning, through losing, through seeing a teammate make huge gains and cheering them on, through watching a teammate make a huge mistake or take a big loss and helping them move past it, through the collective physical suffering of giving a game every ounce of effort, so many ways to build human connections with sports. You cannot replicate this with theatre or video games, etc. Now non-sport groups have social benefits as well, but they are different. I do think you miss out on important development and relationship building if you skip sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

This 100 percent

NP. My quiet 12 year-old has absolutely been "adopted" by a group of girls and it has been a lifesaver for school hours, but the mixed-gender friendships don't provide much in the way of after-school or weekend hangouts because that's when the girls do sleepovers and other activities that are less amenable to mixed-gender groupings.

I'd say the balance for my kid has been to add one activity with boys who share his interests, so in this case chess. He gets a little self-conscious about it, but they are a nice group of kids and the chess game provides a natural source of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you said he isn’t athletic, but could you require him to choose a school sport next year- if there are any that are no-cut? Cross country or track maybe? Usually those kids are pretty nice, and many are not traditionally athletic (the meaner boys tend to play football, basketball etc IME, so won’t be around…). Or try a less popular sport out, if there is one?

Because that would mean a lot of time spent together with the same kids- easier to make friends.

If he’s not athletic why sports? There are plenty of activities where you spend time with the same kids and get to know them. It’s a matter of finding the right one.

DP. But I agree about him finding a sport. He should. There are so many benefits to physically challenging yourself, that are mental too. Plus you bond with others while doing a sport in a different way; through winning, through losing, through seeing a teammate make huge gains and cheering them on, through watching a teammate make a huge mistake or take a big loss and helping them move past it, through the collective physical suffering of giving a game every ounce of effort, so many ways to build human connections with sports. You cannot replicate this with theatre or video games, etc. Now non-sport groups have social benefits as well, but they are different. I do think you miss out on important development and relationship building if you skip sports.

This is kinda crap but not worth pointing out in detail.

Depends on the sport and the activity. Some sports don’t really lead to much team bonding and lots of activities lead to many human connections and development.

[Anonymous]

Help them find/make friends outside school. At whichever outside activity they do. At your church / temple /mosque /synagogue.

Big public schools are not a helpful answer for many kids. "My people" did not exist at mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

Disagree. My 7th grade son doesn’t really see anyone outside of school (he had never asked), but it pretty well liked in school, according to teachers and from what I can see. He seems to have several friends and is always laughing and joking with a few kids at pickup, always has people to sit with at lunch, seems very happy in general. He also has friends through an extracurricular sport outside of school. Again, happy to socialize with them there and the occasional get together, but is never asking to make plans. He seems perfectly fine doing his own thing on weekends and after school, (which are very busy anyhow), and socializing at school.

Same my son,7th grader, is perfectly fine at school has friends, he is not teased, but he doesn’t want to make plans for the weekend. It is frustrating because I don’t know if I should push him to socialize on the weekend or not. I don’t like that he spends his weekend on video games so I usually make plans for us to do something together. I made him plan his 13th year old birthday party and all of the people he invited came. However, he was only invited to one party. I don’t know if his cohort doesn’t socialize outside school or if he is excluded from the group.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, very sadly, there is a lot of truth in the book "Lord of the Flies". Any parent who has not read that book should read it. Hugs to OP and son.