13 year old son doesn’t seem to have friends

[Anonymous]

Hello fellow parents/guardians,

I have 3 kids but only one son. He is in 7th grade at a public school and has had a really hard time making friends since he’s been in MS. In ES, the other kids seemed friendly, and easy to get along with. He didn’t have a lot of “play dates” per se, but he never complained about friendships or social dynamics of school.

MS is a different story. I’ve heard of mean girls, but I had no idea boys could be even meaner. They tease him for no reason, they don’t invite him to parties that they’ll discuss openly in front of him, he says he has no one to sit with at lunch.

Anytime I suggest someone he could hang out with, or inviting someone to eat, to D&B, or Sky Zone, he just shrugs his shoulders.

He’s also extremely moody and doesn’t like when I try to talk to him about this or give him advice.

Is anyone else experiencing a similar struggle? He does do an extra curricular activity once a week outside of school, but he hasn’t made any friends though it yet.

Anything else I could try? He’s not athletic btw and refuses to do sports (he’s participated in several sports in ES) I’m just hoping things improve in HS, and I want to find a way to help him make friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat with my son. It’s so hard to see his tears almost everyday at drop off.
You’re right. Boys are mean and meaner than girls.

I did the same, I had him invite 3-5 friends to an outing so they could bond.

Also I have him bring in cookies about once a month. One kid bet him for his cookie at lunch one day and all the kids wanted it.
I purchased another package at Whole Foods and had him take it in the next day for the lunch table. He came home and said the kids called him the goat. Who knew.

Anyways. My heart breaks and I am up at night because of this very reason. You’re not alone. Middle school is the worse. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat with my son. It’s so hard to see his tears almost everyday at drop off.
You’re right. Boys are mean and meaner than girls.

I did the same, I had him invite 3-5 friends to an outing so they could bond.

Also I have him bring in cookies about once a month. One kid bet him for his cookie at lunch one day and all the kids wanted it.
I purchased another package at Whole Foods and had him take it in the next day for the lunch table. He came home and said the kids called him the goat. Who knew.

Anyways. My heart breaks and I am up at night because of this very reason. You’re not alone. Middle school is the worse. Good luck!

But if they are only nice to him on cookie days, they are just using him.

[Anonymous]

Our son is kind of the same, now in 7th -- he does play sports and gets along with teammates
and now seems to do okay at school, but in late ES and early MS he was getting picked on by a group of mean boys... rich, entitled mean pricks who hounded him relentlessly about his weight, his clothes, his phone, his shoes, etc.

We changed him to private and he is much happier, but he never had many play dates when he was younger and we offer to let him invite kids over, take them to adventure park, etc. and he pretty much shrugs and says no thanks. We get the impression that at the new school he's friendly and gets along with people but isn't particularly close. He's been invited to two birthday parties -- one where basically their whole cohort was invited and one other.

He doesn't seem bothered and we think he's just a bit of a homebody, or just got used to doing his own thing on the weekends. Even tho his school life is better, we still worry that hes' not making serious connections with anyone. We know the other ones have birthday parties and sleepovers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I’m sorry. BTDT. My DS struggled socially in 7th and 8th grade but is really happy in high school (currently a sophomore).

Middle school boys can indeed be really mean. Everyone warns about “mean girls” but the boys seemed so much worse. My DS had way more issues in MS than my DD.

A lot middle school “social status” for boys seems to be about sports or physical size/maturity.

Does he have any non-school friendships you could help him lean into? Neighborhood friends or cousins etc?

It can also help to get him involved in an outside school activity too- whatever he is interested in. Take his mind off the school crowd a bit and keep him busy.

This usually gets better by high school. HS usually aren’t mean these days IME (they may not be friendly to kids they don’t like, but they don’t go out of their way to be mean). Also social groups tend to mix up a lot, more extracurricular things to choose from, and lots of potential for new friends.

My DS definitely isn’t popular but has an extracurricular (a no cut sport) that he enjoys, and a small group of friends. Most of whom he met for the first time in high school. He is happy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. My son does do sports and is similar. He’s in 8th and I tried to get him in private school but he didn’t get in. I’m terrified about him going to the giant public school next year. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I know you said he isn’t athletic, but could you require him to choose a school sport next year- if there are any that are no-cut? Cross country or track maybe? Usually those kids are pretty nice, and many are not traditionally athletic (the meaner boys tend to play football, basketball etc IME, so won’t be around…). Or try a less popular sport out, if there is one?

Because that would mean a lot of time spent together with the same kids- easier to make friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm not seeing a lot of solutions here, but I'm hearing common stories which in itself is comforting. It literally means your son is not alone.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. Middle school can be tough and yes boys can be mean.

I would stop pressing and asking. I know it’s not your intention but this signals to him that something is wrong with him or you want to fix him. Make your home his safe and happy space where he can be himself and feel accepted. Plan fun things to do whatever he might enjoy. Fast food runs. Anything.

I would try more out of school things. Band? Theater? No cut sport? Scouts? High school can be better because there are more school-based activities than middle school. Debate? Science type stuff?

He will find his people. The fact that he tells you what is going on at all means he feels safe with you and you are doing something right! Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I think the positive side to the big local public HSs are more opportunities for kids to find their people.
I agree with the track suggestion. My kid is doing spring track, and non-runner types are encouraged to learn how to compete in the throwing events.
Most public HSs have a rifle team and crew is very welcoming to kids who want to learn to row.
Learning how to do theater tech (stage hands) gives kids a way get involved in a creative activity without having to go on stage.
OP, I think it will get better for your son is HS. I know he’s still gotta get through MS. I’m sorry there are so many a-hole boys in MS.

[Anonymous]

Get him to join theatre.

[Anonymous]

Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, middle school boys can be awful. You mention he has one activity a week. Maybe try adding another? Boy Scouts, robotics, anything he might like that could involve less socially adept, but kinder kids could be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

I agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the positive side to the big local public HSs are more opportunities for kids to find their people.
I agree with the track suggestion. My kid is doing spring track, and non-runner types are encouraged to learn how to compete in the throwing events.
Most public HSs have a rifle team and crew is very welcoming to kids who want to learn to row.
Learning how to do theater tech (stage hands) gives kids a way get involved in a creative activity without having to go on stage.
OP, I think it will get better for your son is HS. I know he’s still gotta get through MS. I’m sorry there are so many a-hole boys in MS.

Disagree with the big public school positives. They just get lost!
Theatre tech is a great idea!
So is track or cross country. Anything that makes him feel he is a part of something will help him make friends just by being in close proximity