13 year old son doesn’t seem to have friends

[Anonymous]

The boys are really mean and aggressive. They are immature. It’s awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The boys are really mean and aggressive. They are immature. It’s awful.

What’s with the aggression? My DD comes home with terrible stories. Her group of girls has absorbed the nice boys, but the stories she tells about how the boys constantly pick at certain boys are awful. The worst is that while school was moderately responsive when the boys were going after the girls with nasty talk, gestures and harassment, they seem afraid or unwilling to touch obvious boy on boy harassment.

Find the nice girls. They are out there and grateful for quiet, chill boys who are willing to just be without making every waking moment some kind of d—k measuring contest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The boys are really mean and aggressive. They are immature. It’s awful.

Some boys were picking on my son in 8th grade and I reported it to the principal. I have zero tolerance for cruelty. Don’t let it go. Also there should be a counselor at the school to help him. They should have some type of program to help kids who need help with social skills

I was always working on finding activities that he enjoyed outside of school. He did go to a performing arts camp which he loved. We were lucky that we had close by family, cousins all in the same age group , a fun and active grandma who took them to movies, parks to kick a ball around, video games arcades. His lack of friends made it our job to be part of his social life. Maybe you can think of people in your lives that can include him in activities. You can also plan activities with you and him

It will be up to you to find what will work and it is a lot of work. I hope it works out for you. I think it will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you said he isn’t athletic, but could you require him to choose a school sport next year- if there are any that are no-cut? Cross country or track maybe? Usually those kids are pretty nice, and many are not traditionally athletic (the meaner boys tend to play football, basketball etc IME, so won’t be around…). Or try a less popular sport out, if there is one?

Because that would mean a lot of time spent together with the same kids- easier to make friends.

If he’s not athletic why sports? There are plenty of activities where you spend time with the same kids and get to know them. It’s a matter of finding the right one.

[Anonymous]

Mom of an 8th grader here in the same boat. He will not tell me what’s going on, but I can see the way the other boys treat him at school events and when we see them around town. He goes to a small Catholic school, and I wish I had sent him to a different school for middle school. Oh well. I think he’ll find his people in high school, like his older sisters did.
Also, we got a dog and it makes a difference as she’s waiting eagerly by the door when he gets off the bus. And he’s active online with his out of state cousins, and I can hear him talking and laughing with them.
He’s a nice kid really and sometimes I’m glad he’s stayed true to himself and didn’t join the pack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The boys are really mean and aggressive. They are immature. It’s awful.

Some boys were picking on my son in 8th grade and I reported it to the principal. I have zero tolerance for cruelty. Don’t let it go. Also there should be a counselor at the school to help him. They should have some type of program to help kids who need help with social skills

I was always working on finding activities that he enjoyed outside of school. He did go to a performing arts camp which he loved. We were lucky that we had close by family, cousins all in the same age group , a fun and active grandma who took them to movies, parks to kick a ball around, video games arcades. His lack of friends made it our job to be part of his social life. Maybe you can think of people in your lives that can include him in activities. You can also plan activities with you and him

It will be up to you to find what will work and it is a lot of work. I hope it works out for you. I think it will.

DS was also picked on in MS with racist remarks. The schools don’t react.

It would have been mortifying to DS if we had gone to the school to complain of racism. And he’s probably right in that it would have only made things worse for him.

The school liked to try to push kids and parents into these ridiculous “restorative justice” meetings, but once the boy doing the bullying got out of the meeting, he would be on his phone telling all his friends over social. Then the whole school would jump on the bullying bandwagon. Total failure.

[Anonymous]

The problem is (and I know from my DS) is that when they’ve been picked on enough they have travel mustering the guts to join something and as a 13yo resent being put into a new activity. I kind of browbeat mine into joining debate club - I regretted pushing him, but I sensed he was interested and took a risk - and once in, it was amazing to watch his whole demeanor change and slip into comfort as he was surrounded by other boys (and girls) like himself who were just nice to him and didn’t care about his haircut, his size, his clothes, etc

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for what so many of you are going through. I went through it for years with my son. But he's a senior now. I thought it was because of COVID isolation, which happened in middle school for him. He struggled with making friends his whole life, fueled by some social skill deficits related to ADHD and emotional dysregulation.

He chose JROTC in high school, and was able to make some good friends in 9th grade. He's got a solid group of friends now, which is night and day from his experience in elementary and middle school.

He is not super athletic in terms of team sports, but became interested in going to the gym and learning jiujitsu too. And he has made some friends there as well.

To the extent possible, build in some out-of-school activities where the potential friend group is different. Boy scouts, church group, rec sports, chess club, etc.

And don't forget family activities. My husband and I take our son to the movies once a month or so. Or go on weekend trips somewhere. Or have a family movie night at home with popcorn, etc. Watch a big football game together. Take him hiking. Help him get out to do stuff that kids naturally talk about at school the next day, so that he can have more opportunity to fit in with common interests.

[Anonymous]

Neither of my boys have made friends in middle school. US middle schools are horrible places. We moved from overseas so my son could go to middle school and get used to the US system before high school but I regret that decision every single day. It was awful.

[Anonymous]

It's tough but definitely agree that fostering friendships with the opposite sex, theater tech, no cut sports like cross country and track can be good opportunities to explore. Rock climbing, artistic endeavors and/or other activities outside of school may also be good ideas to explore. Being a constant, seemingly unflappable presence for your child helps tremendously, even if you are faking it. Coming up with an activity on the weekend to fill some time may be a good idea. Hiking and kayaking come to mind. He is likely to find his people but it may just take a while. Good luck and much empathy as it is hard to watch your child struggle.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old DS going through the same thing. It is so hard

[Anonymous]

Theater Tech!

Even if they don’t carry the EC into high school it is a great place to be part of a big cohort of kids who are generally nice and artsy. Helps that middle school hump. If school doesn’t offer have them reach out to local playhouses. They need volunteer ushers and more for the summer (and during the year) and is a good place to meet other teens.

[Anonymous]

The answer to this one is sports (no cut or unpopular ones if needed). It is the way males bond, unfortunately. It also forces them to spend a lot of time together.

I made my freshman DS sign up for track and field (no cut at our school- 1 with the agreement he try his best for this season and if he didn’t want to sign up next year- his choice…

He has solidified one friendship and made 2 others. Also a ton of acquaintances 99% chance he signs up again next year, full of his own choosing. Is he good at track? No. But he/his times have game from “semi embarrasing” to average.

My DS is a super skinny late bloomer which has not been helpful.

A friend signed her heavyset DS up for football, with similar results……

I would truly recommend a no/cut sport

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys at this age run in a big pack and they are very very mean and clannish. If you aren’t in their pack, forget it.

He needs to make friends with girls. This is my go to advice for kids struggling with same sec friendships. Opposite sex friends are more forgiving of each other with social skill deficits, plus having a mixed gender friend group is viewed as very “high school” and has a certain social status in a way, as it’s what older teens do. Girls are very organized and plan things and love having a “boy bsf” it’s a whole thing.

This 100 percent

[Anonymous]

Also, try "talk therapy." My DS had a severe lack of confidence in 4th grade. After a year of weekly talks, he's really improved. Right now, he doesn't seem particularly bothered by having a very small group of semi-friends but that may change. We don't do the therapy as much but will ramp it up when he goes to Middle School.