Do you say you have IVF kids?

[Anonymous]

14.59 here again. I guess it did sound odd and abrupt to make the comment about my son being an IVF miracle. I don't just spout it out the minute someone asks about more kids. It's normally when we've been having a discussion about infertility and more children.

And, OP, I've frequented ivfconnections.com, and there's a lot of good support/advice there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14.59 here again. I guess it did sound odd and abrupt to make the comment about my son being an IVF miracle. I don't just spout it out the minute someone asks about more kids. It's normally when we've been having a discussion about infertility and more children.

And, OP, I've frequented ivfconnections.com, and there's a lot of good support/advice there.

I totally get what you meant when you referred to your child as a "miracle" - like you beat huge odds that were stacked against you. Many of us on this board feel the same way!

[Anonymous]

I don't share with work folks, except people who I also count as true friends. Now that kids are born and growing up, if someone asked point blank I would be honest.

But, I did make a point of telling friends and even friends of friends that they were IVF kids if we were talking about conception, pregnancy, spacing of children etc. I have found that so many people are struggling with IF that it helps for them to know you have been through it too and can be a confidant, should to cry on, source of hope, whatever.

I wish when I was going through all the failed IUIs that we had had known how many people we knew with kids had already been through IVF.

My mother knows, but the rest of our family does not b/c they probably would not approve on religious grounds.

[Anonymous]

OP-- thanks again from everyone, and for all the support. I really appreciate the helpful responses. And congrats on all the miracles, and miracles-waiting-to-happen out there

[Anonymous]

OP again- thanks also for your comments about noting that your kids are IVF kids when talking about conception. IVF, like miscarriages, etc... well, it's just not stuff that's talked about until you've had it happen and then you realize, if you are lucky, that there's a whole club of people out there who have also been unfortunate enough to have "been there done that" and can serve as real sources of support. Plus I agree that with infertility, especially, we tend to think we're all alone when what I am discovering is that it's really common! And something about how common it is is assuring... especially when you hear stories (I mean, my RE is great but there's notthing like a friend coaching you through a cycle to help sooth the nerves). So, thanks again.

[Anonymous]

My best friend had her first child via several IVF tries 12 years ago and they had her beautiful little girl. Imagine the surprise when three months later she was pregnant with her little guy..who is also a little cutie pie via "au natural". I have noticed that over the years..the IVF talk has gone to the background. She has said to me that it's not that she is hiding it (remember we are best friends) but that over time, you just forget about the struggle to get there and what remains is the joy and she almost can't remember the years of struggle. There is no difference in her feelings about both kids --it's all wonderful. So the take home is that maybe in the first few years, there is a time of reconciling the whole thing-I imagine it's tough going through all the treatments..and then after little person gets older you put all the struggle behind you. Maybe the best thing is not to be hard on yourself..if you want to talk about it great and if you get to a point where you are "all talked out" that's fine too..I wouldn't suggest putting in any hard/fast rules..do what works at the time.

[Anonymous]

I think it is tacky but cannot imagine your future child would be harmed in any way. Your insecurities about being "less than a woman" are entirely your own but if it helps to share, I say go for it!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't talk about it widely OP. You just never know what people will say. I think the comment about what if your child has any SN is particularly apt - what if your kiddo needs speech or OT and people say "Well, you know, when you tinker with nature..." You can't take back info when you have overshared.

I have several friends who have used IVF to get pregnant and none talk about about it socially unless they are very close to someone or the other person is having IF. Other people won't really get it.

Honestly, I'd find a support group to help you process, it sounds like you have a LOT of pent up feelings, which is totally understandable. I'd go through that process first before talking about it widely. This will all be less important once the baby is here.

People don't forget info, esp if your sharing made them feel akward or uncomfortable. And then there are religious nuts. I just think you are better off processing in an inperson or online support group (a therapist just continues the isolation).

Congrats on the pregnancy and best of luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here- Wow, 7:40 - Thank you. that's the nicest way of putting something that I hadn't even realized I needed/wanted to hear. Love the perspective your friend gained and you shared.
And really, really, really- nots sure why I feel the need to repeat this, but I do-- I do not have the insecurities you mentioned, 7:51. In fact, that was my whole point- that some people would assume that and I think it's ridiculous.
Thanks again everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Do you think you have felt isolated because you haven't talked about it or because it was a different path than friends/family had been on? Or both?

Can you articulate what support you are looking for? Do you want to talk about your feelings struggling with IF or about the process itself? I think the more you can figure out what support you are looking for the more you will be able to identify where you are likely to get it. If you are concerned about the gossip of extended family, then, yeah, not there. I think a support group might be the best first step so you can process with people who definitely get it (and who can anticipate other feelings that might come up).

I am a lesbian in a 2 mom family. So we did IUI so I can relate to the different path part. What we did and that worked for us was to join a support group for people going through the same experience. It definitely made us feel less isolated, we met a lot of expecting families just like ours. It was facilitated and a great place to air feelings. Friends who had IF challenges got similar support from Resolve. Not sure if they have in person support groups for people after they are pregnant? I think I may have seen info in our RE's office. Here is a link, in case you want to investigate further.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/pregnancy-after-infertility/

Later in my pregnancy I started doing everyday preggo lady stuff - joined a prenatal yoga class, a birth ed class where we were the only 2 mom family, etc., the focus shifted to the common experience of pregnancy and birth and later, in a PACE group, being a mom. Right now, it's so important to take the time to process how you got to where you are so that you can move on from it. Once your baby is here no one will ask how he or she got here. You can choose to share or not. Right now I think that you have a lot of pent up feelings so you may be driven to share and may need respnses that are empathetic with no guarantee you will get them. I'd process that with folks who are guaranteed to get it, then reevaluate. People are so weird, this is about taking care of your needs, so I'd do that with a crowd who has be in your shoes. Go from there.

Congrats on the new baby to be!

[Anonymous]

16:30 here - one link didn't post, hope it might be helpful, it lists some additional online support groups.

http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/companion.asp?id=21&compID=128

[Anonymous]

This is such a weird thread. I really just don't think people care how someone's child was conceived.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the judgement!!

[Anonymous]

Just in case you don't know, the Catholic Church teaches that IVF is immoral. I'm not saying you did anything immoral, just that there are some Catholics who wouldn't respond favorably if told.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks for all the information, everyone. 20:42, my husband's family is Catholic-- thus some of my hesitation! 16:30 your note is one of the most compasionate and informative I've seen. Thank you,.