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Infertility Support and Discussion
Do you say you have IVF kids?
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Anonymous
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I'm newly pregnant; we conceived through IVF. Our first was natural conception. I have no problems with people knowing I have fertility issues (I don't consider it a personal shortcoming just a medical and financial bummer).
It's actually my instinct to want to share with people that we conceived through IVF (first child is old enough that people started assuming we didn't want more, which was hard for me since it was not at all the case) but I do wonder if my future child will be subjected to anything negative as a result. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? And, is it TMI to tell people "yeah we're especially thrilled?" and add that it was a particularly hard journey with IVF as part of it? |
Anonymous
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I think those who need to know (close friends, coworkers, family) will already know; the rest of the world, eh, who cares? you have a beautiful child you are obviously happy to have, not sure it should matter the conception process!
BTW, I also conceived through IVF and it was never really an issue. My biggest personal takeaway was respect for the amount of money we were spending to conceive but that may just be my circle of influence (defense contractor). YMMV |
Anonymous
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We don't share unless it comes up in some way. I really don't need to know how others conceived (ie - drunken oops) so I don't feel the need to volunteer it. I'm not embarrassed about it, but do consider it private info.
Great question though on how it might affect DC... |
Anonymous
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Please don't share.
I have met several people as of late who have shared such info with me without me asking or caring and it was shortly after I met them. I have no idea what kind of response they are looking for first off and secondly I really, truly don't care how you created your kids. |
Anonymous
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OP here: Thanks for the responses.
I guess what I am saying, in part, is that I am still dealing with the emotional aspects of IVF and wonder if it would be harmful to share. Not to each random stranger I meet, but in general to established friends. Like I said, it's my instinct to talk about this journey, if nothing else to help me process what happened, but at the same time I know some people can be really judgemental and once you let the cat out of the bag... well, it's out. But my main concern really is the potential impact on my future child. *I* may be okay with people thinking I am less of a woman, or that I did something sketchy and unnatural with IVF (do people really think this anymore?) but I am more cautious when it comes to potential judgements of my child... Does this happen? Outside of internet crazies? |
Anonymous
| OP again: FWIW, we actually HAVEN'T yet shared with most close friends, co-workers, and even my husband's family (primarily because I didn't want to have to give them constant updates, and because they tend to overshare with others in the extended, and Catholic, family whom I barely know...). |
Anonymous
I am poster 20:47 and all I can say is wow! I have never had any of these thoughts ever. Do you really think you are less of a woman bc you conceived via IVF??? Or that it is sketch??? Sketchy is the last word I would use to describe IVF which is clearly based on science. I can understand maybe sharing with really very close friends but again no one really needs to know. Once you have the baby, no one is really going to ever ask about how you conceived. Of all the questions I have asked friends about their children, that one for sure has not poppped up! |
Anonymous
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OP - I get your desire to share, in part to process it yourself and in part to be understood by the people in your life as this was a key experience for you.
I say follow your gut. If you think someone is supportive and trustworthy (won't spread the word indiscriminately), by all means share. But know that you're doing it for you and it may actually feel a little awkward to them, as some people truly don't want to know/think about other people's paths to conception. Of course, if you have any doubts about someone, don't mention it. My guess is that no one in your life will judge you or your child for this, other than a true religious zealot, perhaps. But when in doubt, be cautious. Beyond that, I think you might want to consider an IVF support group of some sort. I did a PACE new moms group the first time around, and everyone was very supportive of the IVF moms, of course, but they seemed to provide each other a special type of comfort and support. I think it would be amazing if you could find some sort of support group of new moms (or pregnant moms) who've been through secondary infertility. Maybe a RESOLVE support group? |
Anonymous
Easy there. I didn't read her post to say she feels this way at all. I think she's anticipating or wondering whether OTHER people might feel that way, and whether she should keep things to herself just in case. |
Anonymous
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OP here again,
20:47, I DEFINITELY don't have any of those thoughts (that I am less of a woman, IVF it's sketchy, etc.)... and in fact, I felt naive & surprised when I learned some other people did (mostly through this board; as I mentioned it seems there really are some crazies out there). So that's where my caution comes from. I think it's one of those things where, for myself, I don't care all that much what people think (in fact, I consider it a good screening tool for friends) but I would care if people judged my kid. Thanks again for all the thoughts. I'll definitely check out the idea of support groups. It's been a hard journey and if part of the reason for sharing is so I can feel less isolated, it makes sense to share with people who have been there themselves. |
Anonymous
What do you mean? If the lady at the grocery store says "what a cute a baby" you're going to say "thanks, she's an IVF baby"?? Or when your baby grows up and goes to preK you'll tell the teacher this is my DD "Katie" and she's an IVF baby. ? I guess it just sounds unnecessary and awkward. Or maybe I'm not understanding what context you're imagining. |
Anonymous
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OP here. To clarify again, I haven't even mentioned this to most of my close friends, and my husband hasn't said anything to his immediate family-- originally, primarily because I didn't want people checking in on how things were going.
That said, given what a huge deal IVF can be, keeping the silence has been kinda hard. Conception DOES come up at times, and that's not inherently inappropriate. So, with close friends and family, I'm wondering if it's appropriate, espsecially given any ossible discrimination my kid could face (NO, I don't think discrimination would be apprproaite, othewise I wouldnt have chosen IVF in the first place) |
Anonymous
Why would your child face discrimination? B/c he/she is X years younger than your first? What kind of family/friends do you have that would "discriminate"? It actually sounds like you're looking for sympathy or want your child to have special treatment b/c of the circumstances surrounding TTC. There are thousands of couples everyday going through the tough IVF process and you don't hear them distinguishing their children as which was IVF. And you say you don't want to tell immediate family b/c you don't want them checking in, but then go on to say keeping it silent is tough. As for the conception discussion which you mention - that's a little weird why your family needs to know so much so often, but why not just say we decided on IVF or just say "I think we're finally going to have another child" and leave at that?? The way your post reads it just seems like you're really over thinking this and that people really don't over-analyze as much as you think they are. |
Anonymous
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OP - I'd ignore some of the less helpful posts - based on the comments I doubt they experienced IF... Finding a supportive group who has BTDT has helped me deal with so much of the IF emotional fall out.
Also I was worried about it a lot more before #1 was born and a baby (when people talked more about the birth, etc) but now that she's older it really rarely comes up. So maybe in time it won't be as close to the surface for you. |
Anonymous
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My parents know. Three other couples who have been through infertility know. Two non-infertile, but incredibly discreet friends know.
I think, in our case, two things helped: 1) Prior to IVF, we had multiple losses, surgeries, and years of trying. We never explained much of anything to people -family eventually learned of multiple miscarriages when they kept making comments and teasing about us being childless after so many years together. Then I had surgeries for some major medical issues that were impacting my ability to carry a baby -because we couldn't travel to family events for an extended period. We have a couple doctors in the family, and they were able to put two and two together. So, eventually, people stopped bugging us about kids. But, the implication was that we were having issues. To this day, I have no idea what they think about our DD, and now DS' conceptions. I hope they don't think about it at all -because that just kind of creeps me out. 2) Friends who had been down the IVF road figured out after I had surgery after surgery, and they approached us very delicately. These were the only people we felt remotely comfortable sharing any information with, and it really limited to things like a) what REs did you see? b) how did the process go for you (i.e. how did you react to medications, etc)? These couple had also only shared their story with a handful of people. OP, I am not embarrassed about how hard fought and won my kids are. But, I am embarrassed by the notion of random family members and friends, sitting around thinking about my reproductive organs...in my mind, I think of it this way -do I want to know what position you were boinking in when your kids were conceived? -no thanks! Now, if I had a family member or close friend I suspected was having issues, I might feel them out to see if they need someone to talk to. But, in all honesty, unless someone has BTDT in the infertility mill, you may find yourself more frustrated by questions and blank looks. And, people may very well say inappropriate things -people you aren't expecting. When my kids are adults, I may share that they were IVF with them -for medical reasons. But, man, as a kid....no matter how you were conceived, did you ever really want to know (heck, as an adult even, I wouldn't want to). If you feel the need to say something, if I were in your shoes, I would wait until there was an appropriate opening (at the THanksgiving table with the entire family is NOT what I had in mind), and just say it was a long road to have junior, and we are just greatful for this second chance to be parents." People don't need to know IVF specifically. |