“My parent lives far away”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the title. He says “my mommy lives far away”. I initially thought maybe I would remove gender but I think it’s relevant because kids are much more likely to comment on a missing mom than a missing dad.

I usually don’t tell me kids what to say. Kids find their own ways to cope with social difficulties

[Anonymous]

What kind of correction do you want to provide? According to you, “She simply chooses not to see or interact with him.”

I mean that doesn’t sound great. Most children wants a fair tale mom and a fairy tale dad. They make up stuff all of the time. You can help get them together if they are seeming wistful or seem like they are struggling with the scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let you son and daughter decide... you all have no obligation to provide confidential family information to nosy people in your lives (and there are so many).

My son (now 13) is donor-conceived. He's know from a young age but doesn't want to share this with most folks, including friends. I too don't want to discuss this with random people because it's nobody's business (friends, distant relatives, teachers) unless we want them to know he doesn't have a dad--only a donor!

Surprisingly, he's rarely been asked about "dad." Several kids teased him in preschool about not having a dad show up to school or at birthday parties. A few kids teased him and his buddy (whose dad had died) about not having a dad but they both brushed them off. But thankfully in today's society, kids understand at a very young age that all families are different!

Are you going to help him find his half siblings ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the title. He says “my mommy lives far away”. I initially thought maybe I would remove gender but I think it’s relevant because kids are much more likely to comment on a missing mom than a missing dad.

I usually don’t tell me kids what to say. Kids find their own ways to cope with social difficulties

Which is what my daughter has done. I don’t have a problem with her telling other people what works for her. It’s the issue of her teaching him to say something he doesn’t understand and that isn’t true. As I said, at 3 he can respond with a shrug, or “I have a Daddy” or something simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

You have no idea how hard I have tried to make sure their mom has the ability to see them.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your daughter about not lying to her younger sibling. So if he asks her specifically about his mommy, she needs to say something along the lines of "We have one, but we don't see her". But if he's asking her what to say when people ask about his mommy, I think you guys can come up with some strategies together. "I have a daddy" is fine until someone says "but where is your mommy?" and coming up with something like "she lives far away" or "we don't see her" or even "I don't know her" is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

OP specifically says the mom doesn't want to see the children. You would never ever say this if the sexes were reversed. I can see why OP originally thought about making this post gender neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

OP specifically says the mom doesn't want to see the children. You would never ever say this if the sexes were reversed. I can see why OP originally thought about making this post gender neutral.

I thought about making it gender neutral, but I don't think people ask 3 year olds where their Daddy is in the contexts where this is coming up for him. People aren't asking him in a broader sense like they ask my daughter. Usually if someone asks him, it's because they want to know where his parent is right now. So, for example a sub at school was walking him out to carline and said to him "Your mommy's here. Let's go find her car. What color is it?" causing tears because was expecting Daddy. Or recently he was at a preschool party and asked for a cookie and another parent who didn't know me said "Let's go find your mommy to see if that's OK. Where is your mommy?" Obviously if someone knows our family, or saw me arrive with him, they will say Daddy. They might also say "your parent" or "your grownup", but people default to "Mommy" a lot. I don't think the opposite happens.

With my daughter it's totally different. Other kids and parents will figure out that she doesn't talk about mom, or that they never see mom, and ask prying questions. And people will ask me prying questions on behalf of my son, like "So where's his mother?" But, I think they assume he's not old enough to answer those kinds of questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think you need to speak your honesty from the start and not let your daughter control the narrative here. At some point you will realize that you have been going along with her misinformation and it will force a conflict down the road.

Start as you mean to go on.

I have been in a situation where a parent intentionally left out information with her kid, and even with neighbors and mutual friends, but those of us in the picture who knew the truth were constantly put in the position of either contradicting the parent publicly or going along with the lie by omission waiting for the parent to be the one to "have the conversation" with the kid. It's a terrible thing to do to people and lead to so many painful and awkward social situations.

It’s a “terrible thing” to do. That is what you said. Are you kidding? What on earth? Is anyone thinking about the kid here?

To me, this shows how some adults think of themselves first. Some get wrapped around the axil , “the narrative” during divorce or family conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

My daughter and I talk a lot. She knows what she is saying isn’t true, but finds the truth too painful and personal to share with random people.

Who cares if she lies? It isn't people's business where her mother is or isn't. My daughter's BFF was effectively abandoned by her father. I innocently asked one time if she was seeing her dad at a holiday (I knew the parents were divorced). She told me he lived far away. I accepted it at face value and moved on (realized that I shouldn't have asked her at all). Mom and I got to know each better and I learned ex lives within an hour and just doesn't want to see kids. I didn't feel "lied" to by a child. She was just making an excuse to end the conversation and move on.

I am not concerned about her telling this to her friends or other outsiders. It makes me sad that she feels like she has to respond, but I am not upset with her. I am just saying that she does in fact know where her mother lives.

OP: Why are you focusing on this? Go watch a cartoon that you can talk about together! Read a silly book together. This is sad thread. Move on! Get off the phone

[Anonymous]

— people need to stop thinking about what other people think! If the kid is experiencing discomfort she will tell you. Maintain an open environment in the home

You want to avoid making it seem like she
“did something wrong” and that she “handled it wrong. She is little and one should focus on building her confidence and self esteem.

Sometimes little people figure out ways to do things that work for them. They try it out and then will try something else out!

Adults can accidentally make kids feel “wrong” if they get corrected too much - esp with social interaction things like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

OP specifically says the mom doesn't want to see the children. You would never ever say this if the sexes were reversed. I can see why OP originally thought about making this post gender neutral.

I thought about making it gender neutral, but I don't think people ask 3 year olds where their Daddy is in the contexts where this is coming up for him. People aren't asking him in a broader sense like they ask my daughter. Usually if someone asks him, it's because they want to know where his parent is right now. So, for example a sub at school was walking him out to carline and said to him "Your mommy's here. Let's go find her car. What color is it?" causing tears because was expecting Daddy. Or recently he was at a preschool party and asked for a cookie and another parent who didn't know me said "Let's go find your mommy to see if that's OK. Where is your mommy?" Obviously if someone knows our family, or saw me arrive with him, they will say Daddy. They might also say "your parent" or "your grownup", but people default to "Mommy" a lot. I don't think the opposite happens.

With my daughter it's totally different. Other kids and parents will figure out that she doesn't talk about mom, or that they never see mom, and ask prying questions. And people will ask me prying questions on behalf of my son, like "So where's his mother?" But, I think they assume he's not old enough to answer those kinds of questions.

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I can see how hard it is.

When I was very young, my mom had a very inflexible job, so my dad was the one who took me to school, the playground, parties, etc. I knew it was different because everyone else had their mom with them, but it didn’t bother me because I knew my dad loved me very much and that’s all that mattered. I’m guessing that’s how the world may appear to your son? That it’s not really a problem that his dad is the one who is there instead of his mom.

For your daughter, it is more of an issue, but it sounds like you are already working on that. Hugs to you, and wishing you a happy weekend with your children.