“My parent lives far away”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the title. He says “my mommy lives far away”. I initially thought maybe I would remove gender but I think it’s relevant because kids are much more likely to comment on a missing mom than a missing dad.

I usually don’t tell me kids what to say. Kids find their own ways to cope with social difficulties

Which is what my daughter has done. I don’t have a problem with her telling other people what works for her. It’s the issue of her teaching him to say something he doesn’t understand and that isn’t true. As I said, at 3 he can respond with a shrug, or “I have a Daddy” or something simple.

Dad, I love ya, but … you want to script a three year old? Take your ego out of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the title. He says “my mommy lives far away”. I initially thought maybe I would remove gender but I think it’s relevant because kids are much more likely to comment on a missing mom than a missing dad.

I usually don’t tell me kids what to say. Kids find their own ways to cope with social difficulties

Which is what my daughter has done. I don’t have a problem with her telling other people what works for her. It’s the issue of her teaching him to say something he doesn’t understand and that isn’t true. As I said, at 3 he can respond with a shrug, or “I have a Daddy” or something simple.

Dad, I love ya, but … you want to script a three year old? Take your ego out of this

Dear Child, when you hear the following key words “Mother; live; mommy; house; where mom; who mom.” Do the following:
1. shrug your shoulders up and down
2. Place both palms up wards with thumbs away from the centerline of your body
3. Look the questioner in the eye
3. Raise your eye brows slightly and smile
4. Say the words, “I have a Daddy.”
5. Walk away from the conversation

done! are you from another controlling culture or are you slow with family matters?

[Anonymous]

Or tell her “Mommy chooses not to be with YOU. It’s not circumstantial or any reason but just you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like your daughter is the one to talk to first. He's too young to interpret what she's telling him to say in a broader context because he simply doesn't have a broader context yet.

But you could start by asking her what she is feeling about mom, and what she means by "far away."

This.
It’s possible your daughter is coping with a lot more than you may realize.
Her response of creating a narrative that mom moved away for work sounds like self preservation, like she may be feeling concerned that people will think something is wrong with her that her mom isn’t in her life. So she’s creating a reason for her absence that sounds reasonable in her mind.

She may need to talk to someone about her internalized shame, embarrassment, or feelings of anger or abandonment about this so that she can really understand that this does not reflect on her at all and this is a mom problem, not a DD problem.

I am well aware that my daughter is hurt and confused by her mom's disappearance. She certainly remembers her mom being present in her life, and is both angry and her and misses her. She is in therapy, and we talk a lot about it. I have other female family members who try hard to fill the gap, but of course it's not the same. She's giving people a reason that stops conversations, because those conversations are hurtful. I'm not upset that she's doing that.

But what she tells people outside the family, and what she tells her little brother don't have to be the same.

Reach out to mom and offer to bring them for a visit. It’s about the kids. Make an effort. Mom may not feel welcome in their lives. Her version may be very different.

OP specifically says the mom doesn't want to see the children. You would never ever say this if the sexes were reversed. I can see why OP originally thought about making this post gender neutral.

I thought about making it gender neutral, but I don't think people ask 3 year olds where their Daddy is in the contexts where this is coming up for him. People aren't asking him in a broader sense like they ask my daughter. Usually if someone asks him, it's because they want to know where his parent is right now. So, for example a sub at school was walking him out to carline and said to him "Your mommy's here. Let's go find her car. What color is it?" causing tears because was expecting Daddy. Or recently he was at a preschool party and asked for a cookie and another parent who didn't know me said "Let's go find your mommy to see if that's OK. Where is your mommy?" Obviously if someone knows our family, or saw me arrive with him, they will say Daddy. They might also say "your parent" or "your grownup", but people default to "Mommy" a lot. I don't think the opposite happens.

With my daughter it's totally different. Other kids and parents will figure out that she doesn't talk about mom, or that they never see mom, and ask prying questions. And people will ask me prying questions on behalf of my son, like "So where's his mother?" But, I think they assume he's not old enough to answer those kinds of questions.

I wish more parents would use "where is your grown up" because it's not just your situation, there are also children who live with grandparents, who are in foster care, who show up with nannies or older siblings. We should all try to normalize this. Obviously this doesn't help you now, but I would just tell your son that if something like this happens, he should just say "my daddy is here" or "my daddy is picking me up". And make sure you're including your daughter in these conversations so she understands what you want him to be saying (and she'll understand that the situations in which people are asking him about his mom are different than hers).

You also don't have to get into the details of why he his mom isn't in the picture when you're talking to him, you can just talk to him about how every family is different. Some families have one parent, some families have two parents. Some families have just a dad or just a mom, some have a mom and a dad, two moms or two dads. I think there are probably a lot of books about this that you can read with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the title. He says “my mommy lives far away”. I initially thought maybe I would remove gender but I think it’s relevant because kids are much more likely to comment on a missing mom than a missing dad.

I usually don’t tell me kids what to say. Kids find their own ways to cope with social difficulties

Which is what my daughter has done. I don’t have a problem with her telling other people what works for her. It’s the issue of her teaching him to say something he doesn’t understand and that isn’t true. As I said, at 3 he can respond with a shrug, or “I have a Daddy” or something simple.

Dad, I love ya, but … you want to script a three year old? Take your ego out of this

Dear Child, when you hear the following key words “Mother; live; mommy; house; where mom; who mom.” Do the following:
1. shrug your shoulders up and down
2. Place both palms up wards with thumbs away from the centerline of your body
3. Look the questioner in the eye
3. Raise your eye brows slightly and smile
4. Say the words, “I have a Daddy.”
5. Walk away from the conversation

done! are you from another controlling culture or are you slow with family matters?

Y'all would never be such jerks about this if it was a mommy asking.

[Anonymous]

I feel like that “if the tables were turned” argument comes up in every thread.
Yawn.

[Anonymous]

I am an equal opp female jerk. Besides, Potus told me being obnoxious is justified and even encouraged. I feel free now.