Pretending to go to college
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Anonymous
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I have a 20 year old student. If I were paying and providing their home, food, etc with the understanding they were going to school, I’d want an explanation. My general opinion is that if you’re grown enough to make the choice you should be grown enough to own it.
My next question would be, what’s your plan? Have they actually been forward thinking or just winging it. Depending on their response, I’d tell them what’s acceptable to me. I’d likely want to be reimbursed for the cost of the classes they didn’t take and they could stay at home if they stayed in school or started training for a trade. If those options didn’t work, it would be time for them to make a plan to move out. If, during the course of this conversation, it seemed there were larger mental health issues at play, that would change its trajectory. But either way I’d probably offer to help the kid find a counselor if they wanted to. |
Anonymous
Yes it was a young woman at Mount Union College who was kicked out and killed her mother after a period of time faking. I agree with the suggestion to see a therapist. The people I know who did this have had a very difficult time in life. |
Anonymous
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My friend royally spoiled her son. I came from poverty and nothing and a single mother addict and attended a top school on athletic scholarship. I valued those classes with my life. Life with no safety net.
In any event it was obvious to me the kid was going to have problems. I wanted to leave it alone but could spot it instantly. There was zero emphasis on being mentally resilient for the kid, and his mother is from a culture we’re boys are spoiled by their mothers. I am at a party with her and we are lightly complaining about paying tuition. I held back because my tuition checks were going to Princeton, which had a nifty monthly payment plan with no interest and only an 80 dollar admin fee. No debt involved. I sat and listened to this woman talk about her son at a very good public university in Virginia, knowing he already flunked out once because he was addicted, or excessively reliant on, pot. No surprise to me. She was telling me she sent the check three times and each time it was returned. We are talking late February here. I immediately told her that universities were expert at taking your money, as my brother in law with four kids at Cornell, Carnegie Mellon, Tech and UVa often confirmed with me. (Cornell and Princeton were the best with parent service, for what it’s worth, even calling about parking fines and a discount offer to get them cleaned before graduation). I told her repeatedly her kid had dropped out of school. Impossible she said. I hear detailed stories about his classes and tests (of course he called Mom nearly every day). I felt badly, but I told her there is zero chance he is enrolled. Zero. For all of her smothering, I give her credit - she left the party immediately and drove in the middle of the night to him. I begged her husband to go with her as the interstate of the middle of the night in the winter could be dangerous. He didn’t go and I felt bad. Of course I was right. The kid had been kicked out. He ballooned up a 100 pounds as he was trading the heavy doses of Adderal his mother connived to get for him at a huge profit for pot. The kid came home and struggled for two years. He could not function without his mother. He was inspired by Food Network and was admitted to the best culinary school in the country. Expensive and paid for by his parents. The mother called me to ask me what I thought. I told her to go for the classes and postings that got him up as early as possible in the morning and kept him very busy. No time or energy to procure or smoke pot. At this point she was listening. The credit goes to the kid - too of his class and the class captain. He is doing well and married spectacularly. I told her a few months ago that not many do well after such dishonesty. Not a judgment- but it takes as much work to live a total lie as opposed to just doing the work. Adjustment is not easy after this. I complimented her parenting in the end because she did what she felt was right for her kid. She mentioned that I would have never recovered if I did what her kid did, but as good as necessity was for me, I didn’t want to glorify it either. |
Anonymous
| My brother did this his second semester freshman year. He probably never actually lied as my parents probably never asked. He was not living at home. They promptly told him the money train was over. Time to get a job and support himself. It was ROUGH. He did it though and decided being a laborer wasn’t for him so he did eventually go back to college and graduate. I’m sure my parents must’ve helped him go back. They don’t after he failed out though and he never moved back home again. |
Anonymous
| I've met a lot of parents with kids that have mental illness and disabilities that have some form of this. Its very hard watching your child fail. |
Anonymous
There are mental illnesses that show up at this age after the kid is gone. Parents don't see schizophrenia coming. |
Anonymous
| My friend had a psychotic break in college, flunked out, and didn’t know how to tell his parents. He stayed on pretending to be enrolled for quite a while |
Anonymous
OP didn’t say it was her kid, but yeah |
Anonymous
No, that was a different one. The Dateline guy killed both parents when it was all about to come out. It was crazy! I was like why didn’t he just disappear or something instead of killing his parents. |
Anonymous
| My husband’s housemate in college did this. We would see him on campus etc. It eventually came out, he was actually quite smart so maybe he had some mental health issues going on. Anyhow he did go back to school, got his masters and now 20 years later is married/has kids/job. So it does happen, but I’m sure some counseling is in your future! |
Anonymous
There is a Dateline type case about this but the money was going to an Eastern European Cam Girl. Then he was embarrassed so he killed his entire family in Florida. After going through the records and finances, the police solved the case. There was a trail of hot messages too. |
Anonymous
I would ask how many classes did caregiver think he was taking? Was the homeowner never home? What a strange family. |
Anonymous
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How are you involved in the path forward? Are you paying his/her next tuition bill —-
or do you cut “the child’s” close-cropped hair, which gives you inside, detailed information to this family! lm so confused about the “path forward bit.” Are you looking for forms of punishment ? Like house/car permissions and privileges revoked? I don’t get this post at all. |
Anonymous
This happened with a step sibling of a friend except that person literally was in a different country living in an apartment not attending class. |
Anonymous
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My sister did this. But her scheme didn’t last that long as they mailed a refund check back to my parents by late February, so only a few weeks until she had to come clean.
She never got her degree and is now a federal employee making decent money but stuck in like admin roles. School wasn’t really for her and my parents pushed and pushed, and this is what they got for pushing. |