parents want to stay in their house "as long as they can" but are no longer safe at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.

Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.

You need to cover the house to one floor living.

Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.

Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently

+1
Things we have done for our parents
- Get nestcam (CCTV) installed at their home that you monitor every day.
- Ring cam
- Convert master bathroom tub into a walk-in shower with seating
- Grab bars in the bathrooms, including the powder room.
- Home Lift.
- Grab bars for stairs. Slip proof strips on stairs
- Dash cams on their cars.
- Electronic payments for all bills
- Pay for a cleaner who comes every 3 weeks. Send the money to the cleaner by Venmo.
- Pay for the lawn mowing person. Pay by Venmo.
- Solar panels
- Fence around the house, Motion detector lights around the house.
- Programs lights to be switched on and off in the main areas of their home.

Make sure that you are going to their place to make sure that they are getting medical care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.

Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.

You need to cover the house to one floor living.

Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.

Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently

I can attest that Assisted Living is absolutely safer and much better socially. It also makes your life easier as the adult child. Most importantly, they can have a life. Aging in place was a special kind of h&ll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.

Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.

You need to cover the house to one floor living.

Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.

Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently

+1
Things we have done for our parents
- Get nestcam (CCTV) installed at their home that you monitor every day.
- Ring cam
- Convert master bathroom tub into a walk-in shower with seating
- Grab bars in the bathrooms, including the powder room.
- Home Lift.
- Grab bars for stairs. Slip proof strips on stairs
- Dash cams on their cars.
- Electronic payments for all bills
- Pay for a cleaner who comes every 3 weeks. Send the money to the cleaner by Venmo.
- Pay for the lawn mowing person. Pay by Venmo.
- Solar panels
- Fence around the house, Motion detector lights around the house.
- Programs lights to be switched on and off in the main areas of their home.

Make sure that you are going to their place to make sure that they are getting medical care.

My dad would never tolerate this level of interference. I don’t know about OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to wait until a crisis and they will not have a choice.

This and there will be a crisis.

[Anonymous]

We have had 4 elders in the family, in their 80s - mid 90s. They, and our family have had good experiences in AL, Dementia care facilities. Many of the staff are extremely devoted. That have made this their life's work. People who work there - why wouldn't they likely be nice-enough people? No reason to scare people - some of us are having good experiences.

[Anonymous]

As someone that works in a local hospital, it feels like nearly 25% of our total patients are older adults that have terrible injuries from falls. Usually fractures in the vertebrae of their spine, femur, pelvis, etc. I don’t mean this to scare you or anything, I would have no idea how serious falls were if I was not working in healthcare. A lot have complications like blood clots, pneumonia, pressure sores, etc. and they usually need asstsiance to do their basic daily activities bc their mobility is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I couldn't convince them to move, I'd focus on this:

" Their home is such that they could convert to one-floor living with some rearranging, but they are not doing that. the railings on each set of stairs are old and not weight bearing, but they didn't want to install the grab-bar style railing because it was too expensive."

I would pay for and arrange all of that.

Keep in mind it's expensive to elder-proof a home and then if you suddenly have to move them and need to income from the house, you have most likely lowered the value of the home. Also, you know how cat urine lingers in a home....that's not the only urine. And, if your parent has some gruesome death aging at home, don't be surprised if a loose lipped neighbor shares the story and it scares people off.

Someone mentioned blocking off the steps. There is a lot of blocking and sometimes even locking that can along with dementia over time and I can tell you they often think you are trying to imprison them. At least at Memory care, they are locked in with peers and while you may find it scary, the routines, gardens, peers, can be quite comforting to them once they adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had 4 elders in the family, in their 80s - mid 90s. They, and our family have had good experiences in AL, Dementia care facilities. Many of the staff are extremely devoted. That have made this their life's work. People who work there - why wouldn't they likely be nice-enough people? No reason to scare people - some of us are having good experiences.

This. I have seen so much between my parents, inlaws, relatives, grandparents and I think a good AL, Memory Care or if needed Nursing home is a world better than aging at home. The social aspect is the most important IMO, but also the setting. The windows, gardens, bright colored walls, inviting dining room, etc all make a difference too. It's a world different visiting someone in residential facility than it is at their home aging in place and when you see a loved one go from aging at home to residential the difference is massive. My dad still had Alzheimers, but in so many ways it was like he aged backwards-smiling more, interacting with staff and residents, enjoying a new favorite dessert or whatever. He was rotting away at home and could sense my mother's resentment and burnout even with caregivers and programs where she didn't even have to take him to an appointment. A lot of people worry about all the old people and their parents don't want to be with all those old people. They get over it fast and don't even notice "the old people" many of whom are younger than they are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents won't be safe in assisted living either. This idea that assisted living is safer etc is just a marketing ploy.

Of course they have not converted to one floor living. They are old and need your help.

You need to cover the house to one floor living.

Move their bed downstairs. Put a gate on the stairs. Make sure their downstairs bathroom is wheelchair accessible.

Make the upstairs bedrooms habitable for you to stay in so you can visit frequently

I can attest that Assisted Living is absolutely safer and much better socially. It also makes your life easier as the adult child. Most importantly, they can have a life. Aging in place was a special kind of h&ll.

For you. For some people. That is not everyone’s experience.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all the responses. The range of recommendations underscores to me that there is not one clear answer, one solution to the situation. So many variables in each family's situation.

Thank you for the recommendations. Things I have already done:
--had a senior care home safety expert assess their home and make recommendations on accommodations to make for safety.
--hired a senior care consultant, who has been helpful in coordinating their medical care , and have home-visiting nurse practitioner come and do basic things at the house, like check blood pressure, give them a covid shot, etc.
--dementia assessment by the nurse practitioner.
--consultant has done the legwork with my POA (power of attorney) and contacted the various doctors so we could get a full set of records and medications from all the specialists.
--toured a continuing care facility. filled out an application using my POA to get them financially pre-qualified. Learned that if/when one of them ends up hospitalized, after they are out of danger and ready for sub-acute care, they could do that care at the CC facility.
--met with a home care agency to learn about services and costs.
--got my parents to get grocery delivery
--convince parent to wear hearing aids
--begin activating LTC policy

[Anonymous]

OP again. I know the neighbors. I have their phone numbers. Parents are in the same home for many decades. Some of the neighbors date back to my childhood ( I babysat their kids), and some are newer. Several would be happy to help in a pinch.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you are really on top of things. I would add to your list
-ask for referrals to PT/OT. Whether moving into a new environment or staying at home, maintaining and improving fitness and learning safer ways to move are some of the most life enhancing and protective things you can do.

[Anonymous]

My parents refused to let carers, cleaners etc. into the house. A lot of your planning assumes your parents are not going to be belligerently uncooperative as my parents were. Fridge full of rotting food unless one of us flew there to clean out fridge. We would order food deliveries and they would literally not get it from the front porch etc. Appliances would break and they would refuse to let repair people in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I know the neighbors. I have their phone numbers. Parents are in the same home for many decades. Some of the neighbors date back to my childhood ( I babysat their kids), and some are newer. Several would be happy to help in a pinch.

Of course. Most neighbors are happy to help anyone in a pinch. The problem is, the "pinches" start becoming a 3-4 time a week (or even more) thing.

[Anonymous]

I would consider giving up on convincing them to move.
Instead, do:
1) paperwork! Gather anything they will give you. Account numbers, passwords, directives, insurance policies, lists of doctors and medications.
2) anything (relatively) low cost and low risk that might help. Grab bars, cameras, all of that
3) do some research on in home companion care and skilled nursing, and tell them it’s ready to go. That way when they have a moment of openness, you are ready. Do research on AL and rehab facilities as well.
4) wait for inevitable crises. Try your best to have a plan for pto and travel.