My high schooler refuses to participate in school activities

[Anonymous]

I hope that you will encourage DS to learn how to not let social anxiety keep him from doing things he really wants to do. (Might be good to work with a therapist to develop an action plan and coping skills.) It’s good for kids to have a growth mindset and know that they can do hard things. I’m not saying an introvert will be happier forced into an extrovert box; I’m saying that a happy life requires some degree of socialization for 97% of people, and DS will be happier long run learning how not to let social anxiety keep him from things he would otherwise want to do.

As for applying to college, it would make a great essay when the time comes to talk about how he learned to overcome his SA/build coping skills. Colleges love to see kids’ growth over time, determination, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds similar to DD in HS. ECs are important because they help show the college what you are interested in and how you might fit with their school. But you don’t have to do a million different things and you can do this via a job, volunteering/service, school clubs, religious community, sports, theater etc. Some of those things are easier to break into/control (eg volunteering) so that’s what we started with when she was in 9th and 10th grade. She gained confidence was less intimidated by the older students by the time she was in 11th. She eventually joined a couple school clubs and even started one of her own. She wrote about her experience of coming out of her shell for a supplemental essay at the school where she ended up.

Also—the summer after her junior year we decided to pursue some therapy and started her on medication for depression/anxiety. Not saying that’s necessarily right for OP’s DS, but it was hugely helpful for DD. I think it allowed her to truly enjoy the clubs and activities she was a part of in HS (vs just trying to find things she could put on an application) and it’s been a big part of her ability to succeed and thrive in college. She’s never going to be a social butterfly but she’s figuring out how to be okay in her own skin and that’s obviously an important life skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has social anxiety and refuses to join any clubs or sports teams at school. He occasionally attends clubs with his friends, but isn't an active member of any. He has also expressed interest in starting his own club, but says he won't follow through because he's scared.

He's a fantastic student. His extracurriculars and grades are strong, and I think he has a really good shot at some of his top choices (he's a sophomore, btw). But I'm afraid this is going to keep him out of top schools if he has zero involvement in school activities.

Let me know if this is going to be a big problem-- if so, how can I convince him to fix it? He says that colleges don't care about clubs anymore, but something is telling me that's not the case.

He can do olympiads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, his extracurriculars are “strong”? It’s just school activities he won’t participate in? This is a non-issue. Leave him alone.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope that you will encourage DS to learn how to not let social anxiety keep him from doing things he really wants to do. (Might be good to work with a therapist to develop an action plan and coping skills.) It’s good for kids to have a growth mindset and know that they can do hard things. I’m not saying an introvert will be happier forced into an extrovert box; I’m saying that a happy life requires some degree of socialization for 97% of people, and DS will be happier long run learning how not to let social anxiety keep him from things he would otherwise want to do.

As for applying to college, it would make a great essay when the time comes to talk about how he learned to overcome his SA/build coping skills. Colleges love to see kids’ growth over time, determination, etc.

+1 not doing things because of social anxiety will follow him and handicap him in taking advantage of opportunities in college. That's a bigger concern than his college applications.

My son also wasn't into doing school activities but he was active at our church in a could different roles, had a long term volunteer activity, played on a rec sports team, took guitar lessons. So he had plenty of activities to list, they just weren't at school.

[Anonymous]

PPs who recommended addressing the social anxiety first are absolutely right. That is a far better use of his (and your) time and effort than joining school clubs. Find a therapist and see how deep this goes: is it DS's way of stonewalling school-activity joining because he just doesn't want to (or because there is bullying involved), or is there something else going on? Either way, DS deserves to work on this issue before he goes to college - indeed, he _needs_ to address it. Anxiety issues are hard for college faculty to deal with because the accommodations for this can be so varied, a student's actual needs can shift from week to week or day to day, and well-meaning efforts to help can come across as extra pressure. If you have the chance to head this off, don't send DS off to college with unaddressed anxiety. Help him so that he will have the tools to help himself later.

[Anonymous]

I think you meant to post - "My high school sophomore is struggling with social anxiety. How can I help him get the treatment he needs?"

[Anonymous]

The problem is not where he/she will end up for school. The problem is your kid allowing his or her fear to determine their decision making. That is where the focus should be. Do whatever you can to help them get over that anxiety - counseling, coaching - whatever you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has social anxiety and refuses to join any clubs or sports teams at school. He occasionally attends clubs with his friends, but isn't an active member of any. He has also expressed interest in starting his own club, but says he won't follow through because he's scared.

He's a fantastic student. His extracurriculars and grades are strong, and I think he has a really good shot at some of his top choices (he's a sophomore, btw). But I'm afraid this is going to keep him out of top schools if he has zero involvement in school activities.

Let me know if this is going to be a big problem-- if so, how can I convince him to fix it? He says that colleges don't care about clubs anymore, but something is telling me that's not the case.

This is why you're concerned?!
My kids were the same way. The least of my concerns was getting into college, let alone a top college. I was concerned about their social well-being and their future ability to live a happy non-isolated life.

Our rule was: one school-related activity. If you don't pick one, we pick one for you. You can choose one and change after the first quarter/semester if you don't like it; but you will choose another one - or we will - for the remainder of the year.

If your child indicated an interest in starting a club, I would make him follow-through on that. Initiating a new club would be more impressive on his college application anyway, so win-win for him and you. Help and support him through the process of starting a new club. He's lacking confidence - or just making an excuse because he doesn't really want to start anything. Find out the process, write down the steps, work out a timeline with him, etc. If he really doesn't want to do that, then he needs to choose one club or activity and attend regularly for at least a quarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has social anxiety and refuses to join any clubs or sports teams at school. He occasionally attends clubs with his friends, but isn't an active member of any. He has also expressed interest in starting his own club, but says he won't follow through because he's scared.

He's a fantastic student. His extracurriculars and grades are strong, and I think he has a really good shot at some of his top choices (he's a sophomore, btw). But I'm afraid this is going to keep him out of top schools if he has zero involvement in school activities.

Let me know if this is going to be a big problem-- if so, how can I convince him to fix it? He says that colleges don't care about clubs anymore, but something is telling me that's not the case.

What are his extracurriculars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the HS. If he doesn't do school activities, the counselor's letter may be "weak". You want him to do SOMETHING if the school expects some sort of good citizenship from its top students. Something to think about.

That should not be the case. Counselors have you fill out "brag sheets" so they know more about you. The student would be listing those non-school extracurriculars, jobs, etc. and the counselor should be considering those in their letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

DP the OP did not say this was her primary concern. Still it is a legitimate concern. No doubt she is doing everything she can to address her son’s anxiety but even so he shouldn’t necessarily do nothing about ECs until it is.

OP did not indicate social anxiety and in fact cited how wonderful DS is in all aspects - including extracurriculars. Her only concern cited was son's lack of school-based activities hampering top college admissions. OP doesn't indicate any concerns about DS being too scared to start a club - just that not being active in school-based clubs might hamper college options. OP does not suggest they are encouraging or trying to help DS start that club. Does not seem that OP "is doing everything she can to address her son's anxiety." Sounds like OP is worried he won't get into Harvard or Yale.

[Anonymous]

Ffs get the kid therapy *for his social anxiety* not to improve his college admissions chance. seriously you guys are terrible parents. just awful.