My high schooler refuses to participate in school activities

[Anonymous]

My kid has social anxiety and refuses to join any clubs or sports teams at school. He occasionally attends clubs with his friends, but isn't an active member of any. He has also expressed interest in starting his own club, but says he won't follow through because he's scared.

He's a fantastic student. His extracurriculars and grades are strong, and I think he has a really good shot at some of his top choices (he's a sophomore, btw). But I'm afraid this is going to keep him out of top schools if he has zero involvement in school activities.

Let me know if this is going to be a big problem-- if so, how can I convince him to fix it? He says that colleges don't care about clubs anymore, but something is telling me that's not the case.

[Anonymous]

Does he have ECs that are not clubs or sports? Even ones that are not organized by the school? If so then you’re basically ok.

Have you looked at individual sports rather than team sports for him? Golf, rowing? Social anxiety might be less of an issue with those.

[Anonymous]

No big deal. He's in stuff and has good grades. Nothing magical about school clubs specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has social anxiety and refuses to join any clubs or sports teams at school. He occasionally attends clubs with his friends, but isn't an active member of any. He has also expressed interest in starting his own club, but says he won't follow through because he's scared.

He's a fantastic student. His extracurriculars and grades are strong, and I think he has a really good shot at some of his top choices (he's a sophomore, btw). But I'm afraid this is going to keep him out of top schools if he has zero involvement in school activities.

Let me know if this is going to be a big problem-- if so, how can I convince him to fix it? He says that colleges don't care about clubs anymore, but something is telling me that's not the case.

I don't think it matters if your child has other ECs that are outside of school and are really amazing. E.g., if they are a star club athlete or play in the best regional orchestra or work for a community newspaper, I really don't think that colleges are going to care that they are not involved in the school version, which is usually not as good anyway.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't have to have tons of clubs, he could have one that he goes to intermittently - one of those you mention he has attended with a friend.

It does make me think big state schools are not going to be his kind of college.

Of course you can also just make that shit up for the colleges who do care.

[Anonymous]

Wait, his extracurriculars are “strong”? It’s just school activities he won’t participate in? This is a non-issue. Leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

It isn't great. Colleges do care about extracurriculars but they don't all have to be clubs at school. You can include jobs, volunteering, hobbies that you devote a lot of time to, but it would probably be good to do at least one thing at school. Look through the list on your school's website and see if there is something he would be willing to get involved in. Does he like video games? How about esports team? Etc.

[Anonymous]

He is a sophomore, so still an underclassman. It is hard for many boys still at this age socially with the upper classman boys around and this usually changes junior year. (I have 3 boys and my youngest is a sophomore and I have watched this play out multiple times with them and their friends) Good chance he changes/evolves next year. At least ask him to think about ones he might be interested in later.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the HS. If he doesn't do school activities, the counselor's letter may be "weak". You want him to do SOMETHING if the school expects some sort of good citizenship from its top students. Something to think about.

[Anonymous]

On the common ap there is space to list 10 activities. Those can be sports, clubs, jobs, etc.

Colleges only know about those 10 activities (and any you write about in your essay or supplementals). Colleges won't care if the activities are run by the school or not.

[Anonymous]

Depends what are his "top choices". If it's any Ivy or T10 generally they are looking for a full state of activities including leadership. And even doing all that chances are still not great.

Activities do not need to be at school but colleges are looking for kids that are going to have an impact on campus. Having perfect SAT and grades is not enough.

Definitely something for him to keep working on but definitely don't force it.

[Anonymous]

Colleges look kindly on students who have jobs.

Could he get a job this summer?

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have a kid like this. I resigned myself to the fact that he was never going to participate in anything. Then, he went and joined a team. Walks around in his team sweatshirt all the time.

Not all problems need to be solved by parents.

[Anonymous]

I have a son like this. It was very hard to get him to participate in group school activities.

For college admissions he’s still at a top 25 and doing well and happy. Still not a lot of friends though.

I think you need to work with the kid you have. Don’t force activities so he can get into a better school.

[Anonymous]

My kid did one monthly club plus a summer job. He got in everywhere he applied. There are plenty of schools out there. As long as you or he isn’t hung up on the top schools, he will be fine.