My high schooler refuses to participate in school activities

[Anonymous]

FWIW my 12th grade son only started taking part in school related things in late 10th grade. D&D club (school) and a Comedy improv. group also at school.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't have to be a club at school. But it's good generally to have some hobbies--not because it will get him into college (it might help at some places, but there are options that will take him just based on grades and test scores) but because it's a good way to explore interests and help others and make connections. So I wouldn't frame it as having to do school activities. What does he like? What would he like to try? Volunteering, outdoorsy stuff, exercise, religion, advocacy organizations, take art or music lessons, a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a sophomore, so still an underclassman. It is hard for many boys still at this age socially with the upper classman boys around and this usually changes junior year. (I have 3 boys and my youngest is a sophomore and I have watched this play out multiple times with them and their friends) Good chance he changes/evolves next year. At least ask him to think about ones he might be interested in later.

+1 This is exactly what happened with my current junior. He had for the most part 1 school EC freshman and sophomore years. Went to a few club meetings those years, but didn't feel comfortable in an environment where (older) kids had already formed groupings and didn't feel welcoming to outsiders.

There has been a complete turnaround this year as a junior. He regularly goes to 3 school clubs now and has friends in all of them. And, much to our surprise, he is in the process of starting a club. We've seen a lot of growth in confidence and maturity since freshman year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, his extracurriculars are “strong”? It’s just school activities he won’t participate in? This is a non-issue. Leave him alone.

+1

[Anonymous]

As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

[Anonymous]

My HS junior son is similar. He still plays a club sport year round, does NHS and has had a summer job--but just not into clubs. His sport does practice several nights a week. We told him start of HS he had to join one club at minimum. He would but then only go to a couple meetings before never went back. He has lots of friends at the school-but doesn't hang out much outside of school with them. Straight A student difficult schedule. We doubled down this semester and told him he needs something!

Meanwhile, older brother a college freshmen is a joiner. He puts himself out there immediately. He was very active inside and outside of school and is a Freshmen at an Ivy where he immediately made a club sports team, joined two clubs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No big deal. He's in stuff and has good grades. Nothing magical about school clubs specifically.

This.

And there might be in school bullying he is not telling you about. That is what was going with me avoiding school sports and school clubs and at-school EC stuff.

Any EC is fine - need not be a big group, need not be a school sponsored activity. He just should do something beyond pure academics. It will be fine.

Signed, another introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

I was wondering about that too. How will a high anxiety kid fare in a dorm situation away from his family and creature comforts?

[Anonymous]

He should get a job. Colleges like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

FWIW kids these days self-dx themselves all the time. What we used to feel was shyness/social cluelessness/awkwardness they call "social anxiety".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

FWIW kids these days self-dx themselves all the time. What we used to feel was shyness/social cluelessness/awkwardness they call "social anxiety".

Okay. But this kid WANTS to start a club but won't because he's too scared. Whatever you call it, that's a problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

FWIW kids these days self-dx themselves all the time. What we used to feel was shyness/social cluelessness/awkwardness they call "social anxiety".

Okay. But this kid WANTS to start a club but won't because he's too scared. Whatever you call it, that's a problem!

This is called being human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

Maybe this kid isn’t getting help already? You can’t just fix these things overnight.

A bit harsh but PP does have a point that the struggles this kid faces now will only be worse in college so good to get on it now.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a you problem shut up sit down, And for gods sake let your kid be who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, it absolutely boggles my mind that your kid has social anxiety that has reached the point that it's negatively impacting his ability to fully engage with and enjoy life - there are things he's interested in that are low stakes and he's too scared!! - and yet your primary concern is about... college admissions.

Help your kid address his anxiety so he can have a fun, engaging, rewarding experience now, in college (even if it's, horrors, a level or two down from where he possibly could go) and beyond.

And take a loooooong look at your priorities. No wonder your kid is anxious!

DP the OP did not say this was her primary concern. Still it is a legitimate concern. No doubt she is doing everything she can to address her son’s anxiety but even so he shouldn’t necessarily do nothing about ECs until it is.