Totally overhauling your life to homeschool somewhere cheaper?

[Anonymous]

Huge thanks to 19:28 poster for the kindness and reassurance that shines from your post, as well as for generously sharing your experience. I am glad that things are better for your children. You absolutely got to the heart of many of my fears.

I spoke to Maddux when my oldest was in first grade and they were extremely nice but said they would not be able to support him. Both of my SN DCs have had violent outbursts at school which means that a private is not really an option (we also could not afford it).

Thank you again everyone. You have convinced me that medication would be a better step than a move. I was worried that I would be being selfish by medicating them to tamp down their feelings, rather than trying to address the anxiety school produces in them with a more fundamental lifestyle change, but I think that our problems would just follow us.

[Anonymous]

Homeschooling has worked amazingly well for us, but I know other families whose kids continue to struggle with anxiety/behavior, etc. I think you are correct to try other medications first.

If you do wonder later about homeschooling, I would ask questions in Facebook homeschooling groups. DCUM just doesn't have many homeschoolers so usually the responses you get are people just repeating the stereotypes they've heard.

This is a good group to start with (they may ask you to join the main group before letting you into this one). It's a national secular group and this section focuses on children with special needs. https://www.facebook.com/groups/sealearningchallenges/

[Anonymous]

Have you tried other meds besides Guanfacine? There are way more effective meds out there for this profile and Guanfacine is usually one of the first things tried bc it’s low stakes.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm still unclear on why you can't have a special needs placement that is publicly funded. Since your current setup within DCPS is not meeting their needs. Have you looked into that at all?

[Anonymous]

We were in your shoes a year ago. After multiple failed placements including a highly regarded local non-public and on the verge of hospitalization, we did the unthinkable and pulled to homeschool.

Yes we needed two incomes…but figured out a way to make it work with me dropping my career and taking a part-time flexible remote role. Part time is key.

We also use a (secular, accredited) virtual homeschool program and pay for 1-on1 special Ed tutoring.

We are just getting into the DMV homeschool scene but are finding MANY families in the same situation. There are also so many enrichment programs for homeschoolers that are free or inexpensive— and the quality is top notch…. because DMV has so many educated parents now in the homeschool scene so kids can take a biology class with an actual doctor or astronomy with a PhD in astrophysics. It’s mind blowing how much this area has to offer.
Check out the Facebook groups for DMV Neurodivergent Homeschooling.

As for moving — it would likely be more disruptive emotionally and financially then staying in DMV. Interest rates are currently high, new presidential administration will be unpredictable, and moving away is hard for any kid but doubly hard if you are autistic. Multiply that with PDA where any loss of autonomy or perceived safety sends one into a tizzy.

As for other schools or districts- I hate to tell you this but if your child has PDA then their situation will follow them to a new school district and state. It’s the structure of “schooling” that is the problem for PDA. Not the actual school. It’s demands, control, hierarchy, social communication challenges and sensory overload that destabilizes a PDA kid well before they open a text book to learn.

Anywhere that would have the type of diverse, educated homeschool community that we have here will not be less expensive than the DMV…

For financials - we’ve made drastic lifestyle adjustments. but my kid is SO SO much better, calmer and actually learning in a safe home environment than having a daily mental health crisis, eloping into the street, or posing harm to themselves or others.

It’s been a miracle for us. Not a lucrative one, but one that will pay off long term.

Best of luck. You are in a tough spot.

[Anonymous]

We moved to a mid-sized city and I went part time. We can afford a big house in the best school district in town. Great teachers. I clean the house and relax during the day. During the afternoons, I am on kid duty. I do the homework and implement all the therapies my kid needs. It’s very intense parenting. DH loves it because I’m less stressed, the kids are doing well.

We did find a miracle for our kid.

1. Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.
2. Counterstrain. Turns out a fall and a broken arm had had an effect on my child’s brain, resulting in behavioral difficulties. I tell this story on this board all the time because it’s wild and it took us years to find the source of our problems. If either child had a difficult birth, been in a car accident, or taken a big fall, it can’t hurt to take them to one appointment. The clinics that do counterstrain are very busy. They will not tell you to come back unless they think they can help. If you’re on the Maryland side, you can see Brian Tuckey in Frederick, Maryland. If you’re on the Virginia side, Mary Beth Herrity of Annandale is also very good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huge thanks to 19:28 poster for the kindness and reassurance that shines from your post, as well as for generously sharing your experience. I am glad that things are better for your children. You absolutely got to the heart of many of my fears.

I spoke to Maddux when my oldest was in first grade and they were extremely nice but said they would not be able to support him. Both of my SN DCs have had violent outbursts at school which means that a private is not really an option (we also could not afford it).

Thank you again everyone. You have convinced me that medication would be a better step than a move. I was worried that I would be being selfish by medicating them to tamp down their feelings, rather than trying to address the anxiety school produces in them with a more fundamental lifestyle change, but I think that our problems would just follow us.

I posted upthread that an SSRI and abilify really turned out lives around. I too was worried that I was being selfish by medicating behavior for my convenience (really, sanity), but our psychiatrist pointed out that the behavior -- and the feelings behind it -- are also harmful to my child. It limited them socially and no one wants to go through the day feeling anxious and out of control.

Certainly, there are environments that are better or worse for my child (and, I'm sure, yours). About a year after we adjusted medications, we also started at a small, nurturing school that was less sensory overwhelming and really good at supporting anxiety. It was such a good environment that we tried weaning off the abilify and things fell apart again. But even with the meds, the small, nurturing school is important.

Anxiety and mood disorders are inherently irrational and the feelings are going to be there even in the most supportive environments. It's not selfish of you to give them all the tools for feeling better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

You've only tried treating the ADHD -- you haven't even tried treating the anxiety. If you want to move somewhere slower/cheaper, by all means, do it. But it's not fair to make the kids live with anxiety -- it's a terrible feeling.

Fwiw, my child was on abilify for two years before we saw any concerning side effects -- and the peace we got in those two years allowed so much growth in social skills and relationship building. When weight and a1c crept up, we switched to latuda and weight immediately came down.

+1 Think of the side effects of a medication vs the side effects of completely turning their lives upside down, especially when anxiety is the reason why. Anger/violence is is definitely a side effect of anxiety and I can't see adding the stress of starting a new life as a helpful move. It's actually avoiding/running away from a big part of their treatment, which is learning to function in groups knowing they will be ok. From this board, I've learned that DCPS doesn't have a great track record for SN kids. I live in FFX county and I've been really happy with our experience. Maybe a change of school system could help?

FWIW, I have an anxiety disorder myself, am on an SNRI, and come from a family of peeps with raging ADHD. I saw my own father and brother become happier, more functioning, more enjoyable people to be around when they had ADHD meds combined with anxiety meds. It actually helped my own anxiety because I wasn't constantly walking on eggshells wondering when the next meltdown/blow up/fight would be and if I would inadvertently start it. I only wish we'd all gotten treated sooner, we'd have better relationships as adults (and saved a ton of money on therapy) if we had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again—the two SN kiddos both have IEPs. They are in general education. The school has been understanding, considering how challenging they are—we are in a DCPS in NW DC.

Oh man. DCPS has very, very few resouces for normal/high IQ kids with behavioral issues. And it is SO isolating at the wealthier DCPSs because you get the side-eye from the parents of the perfect “advanced learner” kids.

Sorry if I missed it, but did you get an FBA and a BIP? Did you ask for a professional actually *trained* in autism to help design the BIP? You may need to really insist on this and consider calling the Ombusdsman if the school team won’t do it. Did you have a consult help with the IEP?

As for the calls, you can actually refuse to take them. Eventually in elementary school I snapped and told the person calling to relay the latest bad thing my kid did “Do not call me any more unless it is to describe the antecedent to the behavior, the behavior, and how exactly you implemented the BIP in response to this behavior, which as you know is well documented as expected behavior that arises from his disability.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again—the two SN kiddos both have IEPs. They are in general education. The school has been understanding, considering how challenging they are—we are in a DCPS in NW DC.

Oh man. DCPS has very, very few resouces for normal/high IQ kids with behavioral issues. And it is SO isolating at the wealthier DCPSs because you get the side-eye from the parents of the perfect “advanced learner” kids.

Sorry if I missed it, but did you get an FBA and a BIP? Did you ask for a professional actually *trained* in autism to help design the BIP? You may need to really insist on this and consider calling the Ombusdsman if the school team won’t do it. Did you have a consult help with the IEP?

As for the calls, you can actually refuse to take them. Eventually in elementary school I snapped and told the person calling to relay the latest bad thing my kid did “Do not call me any more unless it is to describe the antecedent to the behavior, the behavior, and how exactly you implemented the BIP in response to this behavior, which as you know is well documented as expected behavior that arises from his disability.”

Continuing … Are you getting high quality behavioral therapy? Here in DC you can find practicioners trained at KKI (or go to a KKI clinic) and that could help a lot. Depending on what’s going on at home, a PCIT approach could be extremely effective. This costs money and time but it is supposed to be time-limited so it will not drag on forever. The waitlists at KKI are long but I’d get on them.

I can’t weigh in on meds as we never tried them (not my choice - DC’s father refused.) My DC did eventually calm down without meds by 12 but it was a bumpy road up until then. I leaned very heavily on everything I learned in PCIT and at least at home, we didn’t see destructive or violent behavior. School, different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again—the two SN kiddos both have IEPs. They are in general education. The school has been understanding, considering how challenging they are—we are in a DCPS in NW DC.

Have you pursued a non-public placement? If you could get even one of the kids settled at a school that's actually capable of handling them, life might be a lot easier.

You also might consider trying to set some boundaries with the school. If your kids have chronic behavior issues, then you don't need to be notified every time someone has a behavior. You already know they have behavior and they only need to call you if it's an actual emergency. See if you can get a written daily or weekly summary instead. That may reduce your stress level, as well as create a paper trail that can be helpful if you need it later.

when I looked into this for my kiddo, there were no good non-public placements or self contained DCPS prograns for kids with behaviors that are academically sound. schools like Ivymount reject them, and schools that handle “behaviors” lean heavily on restraints and seem to be more for seriously and frequently dangerous kids. Not really the place for an ASD child who melts down and oveturns a desk once a month.

MCPS programs (like Bridges, RICA, seses) seemed much better and many times I wished I was in MCPS not DCPS. In OP’s shoes, moving over the boarder into MCPS has got to be a better plan than homeschool - even though MCPS has issues now at least they have a lot more expertise and resources for “behavior” kids compared to DCPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t SSRIs make children suicidal and have lasting effects on their sex drives and heights? And then be really hard to wean off of? This is OP. I am not trying to be obnoxious- this is my genuine fear and I would love to be reassured. I have never taken anti depressants and don’t know anyone in my family who has done so. I am just anxious about giving them to my elementary aged kids. Sincere thanks again to everyone who has responded. I’m very very thankful to be able to ask you all.

I’ve taken SSRIs and yes they do have these side effects. But they can also be very effective for anxiety and emotional reactivity. You can start at a very very low dose, and you can take your kids off of them after a year or two. And during that time you get high-quality behavioral therapy. Or, start with the therapy and see what happens. My kid definitely grew out of his behavioral issues. He doesn’t have anxiety - he just over-reacted to things. (Not everything is anxiety.) Then he got old enough to have better self control and better understand social situations so he was less triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t SSRIs make children suicidal and have lasting effects on their sex drives and heights? And then be really hard to wean off of? This is OP. I am not trying to be obnoxious- this is my genuine fear and I would love to be reassured. I have never taken anti depressants and don’t know anyone in my family who has done so. I am just anxious about giving them to my elementary aged kids. Sincere thanks again to everyone who has responded. I’m very very thankful to be able to ask you all.

Op, I have two kids, both with multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and anxiety. Both medicated for ADHd and things were better (like so much better) but still pretty bad.

I stuck with therapy and would not try SSRIs for my (young - 8 and 10) kids because I was worried about potentially adverse side effects. We had some bad experiences when trialing stimulants, and I dreaded doing it again. I also had a sibling who had a side effect from an SSRI that required hospitalization, so I worried about that happening to my kids.

Things got really bad at home (kids mostly held it together at school) - one child couldn’t move through most rooms of our home, daily meltdowns, paralyzing intrusive thoughts. Other child would talk about how they didn’t want to live when dealing with with grades or daily homework. I realized that this really wasn’t normal and things were going to get worse unless I tried something else. There were no other therapies to try (we have done OT, family therapy, social skills, and they do individual therapy) and kids are in a small nurturing private school. We are lucky in that we have the financial resources to try any therapy we thought would help, and yet it felt like my kids were struggling no matter what we did, and I didn’t know what else to do, but the situation was not sustainable.

I think I hear that in your OP - something needs to change because your kids aren’t happy, and you probably aren’t either. Unless you really have a desire to homeschool your kids, I would try meds to treat anxiety before you move.

SSRIs for my kids have changed their lives. They are both so much less unhappy. My daughter can go into all the rooms in our house. My other one stops talking about dying. They also seem happier, but it’s amazing to see that they were truly suffering and now it’s much less.

Things at home are better, too. I used to scream (I know I am not supposed to scream but nothing would break through with my kids) daily. Now I maybe yell once a month? Enough that I finally understand how other parents might be able to parent without screaming. I am able to be a better parent and partner.

Sorry for the long post - just wanted to show that there are parents on here who have also struggled with the decision to medicate.

So it sounds like your kids had anxiety/OCD like behaviors for which SSRIs are tremendously helpful. But they do not have the kind of behavioral dysregulation OP describes her kids as having. So OP needs to be looking at meds differently than you because there is a bigger component of potentially modifying the environment to be less triggering for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried other meds besides Guanfacine? There are way more effective meds out there for this profile and Guanfacine is usually one of the first things tried bc it’s low stakes.

guanfacine can cause irritability and mood swings. I’ve seen a child become periodically distraught and sobbing on guanfacine in response to really small things.

OP needs to work with a really, really good psychiatrist who understands that the #1 goal is reducing behavioral outbursts not ADHD per se. We are in a confusing moment with a lot of misinformation about ADHD causing everything under the sun and the notion that treating ADHD is the #1 priority. In OP’s shoes I would find a doctor who is very conservative and doesn’t do polypharmacy - so wean them off guanfacine and start a very very low dose SSRI, probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried other meds besides Guanfacine? There are way more effective meds out there for this profile and Guanfacine is usually one of the first things tried bc it’s low stakes.

guanfacine can cause irritability and mood swings. I’ve seen a child become periodically distraught and sobbing on guanfacine in response to really small things.

OP needs to work with a really, really good psychiatrist who understands that the #1 goal is reducing behavioral outbursts not ADHD per se. We are in a confusing moment with a lot of misinformation about ADHD causing everything under the sun and the notion that treating ADHD is the #1 priority. In OP’s shoes I would find a doctor who is very conservative and doesn’t do polypharmacy - so wean them off guanfacine and start a very very low dose SSRI, probably.

No good psychiatrist would have a blanket rule against polypharmacy. It's not appropriate in every case, of course, and you don't want to add meds to counter the side effects of other meds, but sometimes polypharmacy is absolutely indicated and appropriate.