Totally overhauling your life to homeschool somewhere cheaper?

[Anonymous]

Just a related thought. As a parent of a kid who became violent, if the behavioral issues your kids display include or could in the future include violence, that’s really tough to manage by yourself if you’re homeschooling. You need
To be able to count on your community resources like the police. If you are a minority, you may be really isolated and at risk.

Personally, I’d get over my medication fear and continue to try to make them successful here where you have great resources. I mean, you’ve already tried some pretty hard core ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

You've only tried treating the ADHD -- you haven't even tried treating the anxiety. If you want to move somewhere slower/cheaper, by all means, do it. But it's not fair to make the kids live with anxiety -- it's a terrible feeling.

Fwiw, my child was on abilify for two years before we saw any concerning side effects -- and the peace we got in those two years allowed so much growth in social skills and relationship building. When weight and a1c crept up, we switched to latuda and weight immediately came down.

[Anonymous]

Can you move to a cheaper area still near family? I would do that and either homeschool or go private. Or just lower expectations. I definitely think going part time is the way to go with special needs. But I would stop worrying so much about outcomes and more about day to day behavior. In which case being home would help with that.

I'm sorry to say that after having done a lot of interventions that they still have a disability and still have a lot of issues and that it gets harder as they age to fit in and handle the responsibilities of an adult. I think if you take it day by day and are really present that this is the best way to make progress.

[Anonymous]

I only have one kid with ADHD but I homeschooled for 3rd grade during Covid. It wasn’t all awful but the constant 24/7 parenting/teaching/being on/working almost broke me.
Are you sure you want that?
Do either of you have any work hour flexibility? I work 12s so not every day and my spouse works 4-midnight M-F. We were able to keep both incomes and homeschool at the same time.
I would be hesitant to move away from family too if they are generally helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you move to a cheaper area still near family? I would do that and either homeschool or go private. Or just lower expectations. I definitely think going part time is the way to go with special needs. But I would stop worrying so much about outcomes and more about day to day behavior. In which case being home would help with that.

I'm sorry to say that after having done a lot of interventions that they still have a disability and still have a lot of issues and that it gets harder as they age to fit in and handle the responsibilities of an adult. I think if you take it day by day and are really present that this is the best way to make progress.

My one child had the same diagnosis as yours and I wished I had focused more on the anxiety and the day to day behavior and not tried to tackle so many disability issues, I wish I had been home more and lowered expectations for growth each year. Now my child is in college and that's a huge leap but still they are having medical problems because it's still way too much for them to handle on their own. A lot of kids burn out and come back home. College five years from now might have worked better but a typical timeline is just not a great path for a child like this. Also, once you get into high school as a parent you can have very few rights and abilities to discuss with the school and if the child is on grade level they will take away all supports and so it's important to be home as much as possible from age 0 to 15 so you can really establish a good working relationship with the school, supports, and with your child.

[Anonymous]

I think you could try the SSRI and see. You can always go off it. If you move, it'll be really disruptive to your kids and you'll need to replace all your service providers. And +1 that other places aren't as cheap as you might think-- or they're cheap because the locals are content to forgo certain things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

Oh my gosh, please try an SSRI! Your children deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Can’t SSRIs make children suicidal and have lasting effects on their sex drives and heights? And then be really hard to wean off of? This is OP. I am not trying to be obnoxious- this is my genuine fear and I would love to be reassured. I have never taken anti depressants and don’t know anyone in my family who has done so. I am just anxious about giving them to my elementary aged kids. Sincere thanks again to everyone who has responded. I’m very very thankful to be able to ask you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t SSRIs make children suicidal and have lasting effects on their sex drives and heights? And then be really hard to wean off of? This is OP. I am not trying to be obnoxious- this is my genuine fear and I would love to be reassured. I have never taken anti depressants and don’t know anyone in my family who has done so. I am just anxious about giving them to my elementary aged kids. Sincere thanks again to everyone who has responded. I’m very very thankful to be able to ask you all.

Not everyone experiences those side effects. Suicidality is a very rare side effect. It's okay if your children have low sex drive-- they can go off the SSRI if that's a problem. The height effect is also not that big an effect, and again, you can go off the SSRI if you think it's a problem. If your doctors aren't giving you researched-based answers to your questions about SSRIs, maybe you need to get a second opinion.

The no-SSRI path has side effects too. Kids with anxiety often self-medicate in various ways, such as with drugs and alcohol-- easy things to come by in a rural area. And the move itself is a side effect. You're telling us that your situation is bad enough that you're considering uprooting your entire life and putting your kids through a change of home and school which may be quite difficult for them, and might not be as good as their current school. If you're in a Ward 3 DCPS, that's as good a school as you're likely to find in a lower cost of living area. Understand the economics here. There's no magic cheap town that somehow has great schools, especially not for high-needs kids. Places with good schools are expensive to live in, because lots of people want to live there and because the high property taxes is what funds the school and causes it to be good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. I am not from the U.S. originally so I do worry about how I would fit in somewhere in, say, the Midwest. My in laws are local (DC suburbs) and my own family are all still overseas.

Re meds we have tried Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made oldest DC very jittery and agitated. Then guanfacine which they’ve both been on for ages, which helped at first but now doesn’t seem to be helping as much (and makes them fall asleep and wake up very early… couldn’t give it at night as it gave nightmares). I am a bit scared of SSRIs and things like Abilify because of the lasting side effects. Like, I don’t want to add more issues with medication if a lifestyle change could help.
Part of the issue is that I have not been able to find anyone who can handle DC. We tried nannies in the pandemic and 3 of them quit. So we are doing almost all afterschool care ourselves, plus some grandparent help. I don’t think most nannies could handle my kids behavior, even if we could financially swing it. Private schools would almost certainly kick them out due to behavioral issues. Just feel a bit trapped.

It's not even about being from a different country. In some of these low cost of living places, everyone's from there and has known each other since they were very young. If you didn't go to high school with them, you'll always be an outsider. And if you're homeschooling all your kids, you don't have the automatic social interaction that comes with being parents at the same school. And if your kids don't play very well with other kids, it'll be even harder. I think you would be setting yourself up for a very lonely life.

[Anonymous]

Are you a qualified educator? If not, please rethink. The quality of education a subpar but well intentioned parent gives is NOT generally the best method.

You might look at continuing to work and hiring someone.

[Anonymous]

Also, don't think you'll find friends amongst the homeschoolers. In these places they are often quite religious, to the point of requiring people to sign a specific doctrinal agreement just to join a co-op group.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you everyone. You have all given me a lot to think about, especially with regard to different medications. Very grateful for the advice here.

[Anonymous]

There are private schools in the DMv for kids like this. Look at Maddox and Diener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t SSRIs make children suicidal and have lasting effects on their sex drives and heights? And then be really hard to wean off of? This is OP. I am not trying to be obnoxious- this is my genuine fear and I would love to be reassured. I have never taken anti depressants and don’t know anyone in my family who has done so. I am just anxious about giving them to my elementary aged kids. Sincere thanks again to everyone who has responded. I’m very very thankful to be able to ask you all.

Op, I have two kids, both with multiple diagnoses, including ADHD and anxiety. Both medicated for ADHd and things were better (like so much better) but still pretty bad.

I stuck with therapy and would not try SSRIs for my (young - 8 and 10) kids because I was worried about potentially adverse side effects. We had some bad experiences when trialing stimulants, and I dreaded doing it again. I also had a sibling who had a side effect from an SSRI that required hospitalization, so I worried about that happening to my kids.

Things got really bad at home (kids mostly held it together at school) - one child couldn’t move through most rooms of our home, daily meltdowns, paralyzing intrusive thoughts. Other child would talk about how they didn’t want to live when dealing with with grades or daily homework. I realized that this really wasn’t normal and things were going to get worse unless I tried something else. There were no other therapies to try (we have done OT, family therapy, social skills, and they do individual therapy) and kids are in a small nurturing private school. We are lucky in that we have the financial resources to try any therapy we thought would help, and yet it felt like my kids were struggling no matter what we did, and I didn’t know what else to do, but the situation was not sustainable.

I think I hear that in your OP - something needs to change because your kids aren’t happy, and you probably aren’t either. Unless you really have a desire to homeschool your kids, I would try meds to treat anxiety before you move.

SSRIs for my kids have changed their lives. They are both so much less unhappy. My daughter can go into all the rooms in our house. My other one stops talking about dying. They also seem happier, but it’s amazing to see that they were truly suffering and now it’s much less.

Things at home are better, too. I used to scream (I know I am not supposed to scream but nothing would break through with my kids) daily. Now I maybe yell once a month? Enough that I finally understand how other parents might be able to parent without screaming. I am able to be a better parent and partner.

Sorry for the long post - just wanted to show that there are parents on here who have also struggled with the decision to medicate.