Does anyone have zero happy memories of their mother or father?

[Anonymous]

This is so sad to read because even though it should be validating to not be alone, as another PP said it’s pretty awful to realize that more than one parent treated their children like this.

For a long time through my young adult life, I believed that I had a happy childhood full of happy memories. It wasn’t until my friends started marrying and having babies and I was surrounded by other people’s parents as an adult that I realized that not everyone grew up the way I did. I know it sounds crazy but I was truly stunned to realize this. When I was a child, I assumed when I encountered nice parents at my friends’ houses that they yelled and hit and degraded and neglected their kids behind closed doors just like mine, and everyone just hid that and it was how families behaved.

It took a couple of separate, deep talks with friends in the middle of the night (the kind you can only have when you’re in your 20s and drinking but not drunk) to put everything together.

Since then, I’ve realized that every happy memory I thought I had also had an inverse. Like my mom did something fun and spontaneous that was magical until I remembered the rest of the week years later. She was probably in a manic phase or something because they next day everything crashed down and she screamed at us and went to bed for an entire week and told my little brother and I that Christmas was cancelled. But my paternal grandparents came over for Christmas Eve dinner anyway and there was no Christmas Eve dinner and my mom hissed instructions at my dad from her bed.

Or I got into a sleepaway summer school program and my mom tore up my acceptance letter and grounded me, but then let me go but it was past the deadline to accept. She made me call the office of the program and beg to be allowed to attend while she listened. When I did go, she paid extra for fun side trips and a rented laptop to do my work on. So for years I just remembered how supportive she was of that summer.

Parenting my children is a constant secret heartbreak because I realize how easy it is to love them and treat them well and I can’t understand why my mother wanted to do the opposite.

[Anonymous]

My mom was very busy, worked a lot, and didn’t do “fun” stuff with us. I have very few memories from childhood with her, but many from my father.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any good memories of my father. He was verbally abusive and that wasn’t considered abuse in my home. He also was physically abusive to my brother. And he did provide a stable comfortable lifestyle for us but because of the verbal abuse that Misty just feels like the backdrop.

[Anonymous]

My parents both had horrible childhoods. They didn't mistreat me and my sister, but they couldn't figure out their own relationship. They got married way too young and didn't get along.
Many happy memories with both minus the fighting, lots of it physical.

[Anonymous]

My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents learned of this and did nothing- my brother was the golden boy. I left home at 18. I spoke to my mother 3 times (my father died in 1995) between 1989 and her death in 2021. I did not attend her services.
No, I have no pleasant memories of my childhood. It was a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually have nightmares about my mother. She recently died and I feel relief, a kind of safety. I can’t even look at her picture.

PP with absent, high functioning alcoholic father. He died first and I experienced profound relief. Went straight into therapy though then found even more peace. My mother just died a few months ago and I’m back in therapy.

I keep having vivid dreams - not really nightmares- where she’s angry at me for
disappointing her (common theme for my entire life) but now in my dreams I end up telling her off and standing up to her and it’s so satisfying! My therapist asked if I needed support to stop these dreams and I responded that I wake up with such satisfaction so no I want the dreams to continue for now.

[Anonymous]

This is completely normal. If your paternal never did anything to make happy memories with you you aren’t going to have any. I have zero due to my drunk ass dad and enabler mother both of whom emotionally neglected me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to cut our moms some slack for never being taught or trained how to be a good mother. Most mums try but not all succeed, sometimes they don't have right ability and other times they don't have right circumstances.

That being said, what matters most is their unwavering love and resolve to physically and emotionally their children.

Maybe. I don't think this works as a blanket statement. My husband had an abusive childhood. I don't think either parent tried hard or loved him. I think they were immature, lazy, mean and resented their kids. They were sadistic and not goid people. I don't cut them any slack. The damage they did was terrible and has had repercussions for his whole life and therefore to mine too.

[Anonymous]

None. I could have wrote your post myself op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like pp, I have happy memories of dad. With mom, I do recall her being happy and me being happy, but it was because I was a people pleaser and I had twisted myself into a pretzel to please her. I remember in college reading about unconditional love and I had no idea that existed. Even with dad everything was about bragging rights, but he at least liked me more than mom did.

I didn't realize this was an old thread until I found this comment and thought "Wow! Same!" and then I realized I wrote this comment.

To all those who had parents or a parent who was emotionally/verbally/physically abusive, I am so sorry. I hope you heal and find joy despite them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to cut our moms some slack for never being taught or trained how to be a good mother. Most mums try but not all succeed, sometimes they don't have right ability and other times they don't have right circumstances.

That being said, what matters most is their unwavering love and resolve to physically and emotionally their children.

Then it’s their job to learn. Shitty is not good enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a single happy memory of my mother. I’m assuming this is somewhat rare even for people abused like I was. I’m in my 40’s and have a great family myself now. If you did grow up with a horrible mother, do you still have happy memories? I just have a deep resentment and hatred towards her and nothing else.

So interesting because I have the same relationship with my mother and she just died
I always wondered how I would feel when this happened and I feel nothing. It’s a bit like addition by subtraction. I am VERY SAD that she left all her children damaged. Here’s a big take away….the ones she favored the most are the most damaged. Her hate became my superpower.
Best of luck to you. I bet you’re kind, caring and very self reliant.

[Anonymous]

I’m this girl. Zero happy memories and actually lived in fear. I’ve accepted all of this but struggle with forgiveness. I’m angry at myself for not fighting back and letting them treat me so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a single happy memory of my mother. I’m assuming this is somewhat rare even for people abused like I was. I’m in my 40’s and have a great family myself now. If you did grow up with a horrible mother, do you still have happy memories? I just have a deep resentment and hatred towards her and nothing else.

I don't either. She was a miserable person. And a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s a big take away….the ones she favored the most are the most damaged. Her hate became my superpower.
Best of luck to you. I bet you’re kind, caring and very self reliant.

I agree with this and relate. Good luck to all of us.