Random acts of kindness—what would you say to DS?

[Anonymous]

I mean, most people would have been grateful that you opened the door. Are you sure you missed a quick smile that was meant to say "thank you" ? I'll smile a thank you sometimes, and plenty of people have smiled a thank you at me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and recognition is not the end goal, it's helping make someone's day easier

This is BS advice. You may not do it for a thank you, but if you aren't going to bothered to be appreciative you can get your own damn door.

If the thank you determines whether or not you'll do it, then you are very nice doing it for the thank you.

[Anonymous]

He may have been focused or distracted or said it and you didn't hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s a little superstitious, but I like to stay on the good side of karma so every day I try to do one small “random act of kindness” especially when I see someone struggling, etc.

Today I was at a fast food type place (think Panera) for a quick breakfast with my kid before an appointment. We were seated near a window about 8’ from the front door. I looked out and saw a UPS driver walking towards the door, and he had a HUGE box in his hands. I quickly set down my bagel, went for the door, holding it open for him, then went back to eating. My kid turned to me and asked why I did that, that “he didn’t even say ‘thank you’, mom!”

Honestly, I couldn’t think of an answer. But as I sit here reflecting, I’m struck by the realization that in most of these instances, people by and large don’t even acknowledge that someone has just helped them. Now I am rethinking why I even do this, and what I should have said to my son! I’m honestly a little embarrassed!

I always hold the door if there is anyone behind me and most of the time they say thank you. I did this once for someone who was very well known and he breezed through and didn't say thank you so I said, "You're welcome.". He turned around and glared at me and dripping with sarcasm said,"Oh, thank you so much for opening the door for me." Then he flipped a quarter at me. I picked it up and said thanks. It was Rush Limbaugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this a lot but then if they don’t say thanks, I yell out a “YOU’RE WELCOME!” I know petty and childish but it keeps me from bottling up feelings of resentment so that I can happily keep doing little favors for people. Most do say thanks.

I've done this when someone has been blatant about it.

[Anonymous]

The UPS guy’s mom just died, or he found out he has a brain tumor. It’s ok that he didn’t say thank you when you held the door.

[Anonymous]

Ditto PP… you can explain that you are giving grace to those who don’t express gratitude bc you don’t know what people are going through- and it’s good to put goodness in the world. Be sure to put out the kind of energy you want to get back. And be gracious when doing so, you just don’t know what people are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

You say, "I don't know. It just felt right."

[Anonymous]

If this embarrasses you, you're going to have a terrible time when your son is a teen. PP who said your son should be embarrassed for not understanding why you would do something kind without expecting a thank you is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and recognition is not the end goal, it's helping make someone's day easier

+1.

[Anonymous]

so, your kid didn't notice to help, but he sure noticed that the hard working person didn't say
'thank you'.
Do you have any idea how many doors this person needs to go through and how many things are in their head at all times. Already thinking about the next address and packages.
Is it possible that this 'please' and 'thank you' are more present in your life than the door opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and I can't think of any time someone didn't say thank you.

Same. In the rare occasions when they don’t I assume there’s something else going on; perhaps they’re really concentrating, perhaps they’re locked in an internal debate. It could be that they are just that self centered, but whatever; I don’t do these things looking for praise.

[Anonymous]

I'm like you and I do look out for situations like that but I feel like I'm always thanked.

I would probably tell your son that we do nice things for others not because we expect a reward (i.e. a thank you) but because spreading kindness is a nicer way to live. I love giving gifts to people but I don't expect gifts in return. I suppose I do expect a thank you, but really what I'm looking for is for them to be happy, which is why I got them the gift in the first place.

Remember the episode of Friends where Phoebe was trying to do one selfless act and she couldn't? She made a donation to a telethon but then got a tote bag, etc. I thought that was an interesting commentary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

This is a very odd take. I'd be embarrassed that I had a kid who thinks I'm a fool for doing something nice for someone, no matter what I got in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

It seems like you missed my point. you're not a fool for helping someone just because they didn't say thank you. You are assuming he isn't grateful because he didn't say thank you, but you don't know that. And you can do things because they are the right thing to do even if people don't "care." Those little things add up and make the world a better place. And we do them because we'd want someone else to be looking out for us in that way too. Your son didn't think you were a fool! He just is a kid and kids are black and white thinkers who are constantly told "say thank you!!" "say please!" even though as adults we don't actually do that EVERY single time we make a request or something happens.

Do it because it is helpful, not because someone will care or you are being a grand influencer.

OP, don't become the kind of mother who will "offer" things to her kid, like say taking care of their baby for free, but then huff when she doesn't get utter gratitude at all times. Do something with no strings attached or don't do it at all.

It has never occurred to me that someone was rude if they didn't thank me for doing something for them.