Random acts of kindness—what would you say to DS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

What's embarrassing is that your son thinks it's foolish to help others without reward. I agree with others that you should let him know you do good in the world without expecting reward. (And then you can privately rethink what you're doing. You say right out that you're doing it for karma! You clearly do think you'll get some kind of payback, and how you're wondering if that payback should be obvious on Earth as well as in heaven, so to speak. If you're doing good deeds that annoy you, especially if you don't get thanked, then maybe that's not the best thing for you. But if you can do good in the world without expectation of recognition, then continue.)

[Anonymous]

Keep demonstrating RAOK ;

-balances universe
-will rub off on him probably
-people appreciate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

What's embarrassing is that your son thinks it's foolish to help others without reward. I agree with others that you should let him know you do good in the world without expecting reward. (And then you can privately rethink what you're doing. You say right out that you're doing it for karma! You clearly do think you'll get some kind of payback, and how you're wondering if that payback should be obvious on Earth as well as in heaven, so to speak. If you're doing good deeds that annoy you, especially if you don't get thanked, then maybe that's not the best thing for you. But if you can do good in the world without expectation of recognition, then continue.)

+100

[Anonymous]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm curious what other examples you have of people not acknowledging what you're doing to help. Usually when I try to do nice things people will smile or say thank you. Like letting someone go in front of me in line, getting a water for a homeless person, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to be embarrassed. You do this to be in integrity with yourself - to be the person you desire to be. Any appreciation from others acknowledged or not is just a perk

I love this. +10000

[Anonymous]

You aren't doing it for the "thank you" - you're doing it for yourself. So that YOU feel good about the person you're being in the world.

[Anonymous]

It's not about thanks. That person was probably lost in his own thoughts. That doesn't mean your act wasn't appreciated. Other people may have witnessed it, or he realized it later, and also decided to do something nice.

You need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

What's embarrassing is that your son thinks it's foolish to help others without reward. I agree with others that you should let him know you do good in the world without expecting reward. (And then you can privately rethink what you're doing. You say right out that you're doing it for karma! You clearly do think you'll get some kind of payback, and how you're wondering if that payback should be obvious on Earth as well as in heaven, so to speak. If you're doing good deeds that annoy you, especially if you don't get thanked, then maybe that's not the best thing for you. But if you can do good in the world without expectation of recognition, then continue.)

+100, especially the bolded part. Instead of worrying about looking foolish to your son (you didn't; his reaction was more cringe-inducing), teach him that life and human interactions are not purely transactional; that kindness is its own reward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here op. In this area people have no manners but somehow they expect their kids to have them.

I forgot to answer your questions. I tell my kids that I treat people the same way that I would like to be treated.

Exactly.

Their response should not dictate how you want to walk around the world.

You can only control your behavior. Live in a way that makes you proud, especially if kids are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your kid get the door? My sons would have jumped up.

+100

My sons from a very young age were taught to hold doors and all the other social graces.

[Anonymous]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Being kind generally costs nothing. When you do something kind most people say thank you and that’s reward enough.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others. Also important to talk about why it's important to be doing the right thing even if no one would notice directly at all. Personal integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you doing it so people thank you? that would be weird (this is in relation to you mentioning why do you even do this). I mean, if you're only doing it for your own karma and not because I don't know, it is good to generally be kind and helpful when you can then I don't really think it will end up helping your karma much. Because that is still about you and not about being helpful.

Anyway I'm getting complicated here but reading your post was just.. a bit upsetting. It baffles me that it would be hard for you to explain to your son that we do kind things because it is the right thing to do - look for ways to help others. Not because it will benefit us but because it makes the world a little bit of a better place. And people have really hard lives and if we can lighten their load or brighten their day in some small way, that is a worthy thing to do. Or to explain to your son that maybe the UPS driver was having a really hard day, or distracted because his boss just yelled at him, or just in his own head because... no reason, or maybe because his mom is in a nursing home. You never know what people are going through. Sometimes they just aren't being thoughtful that moment, just like all of us have accidentally not been thoughtful. And sometimes they might be going through something we dont' know. So we try to extend grace.

I also don't believe that most people don't say thank you if you hold a door because I do that all the time and while I don't expect someone to bow over because I opened a door, 95% say thank you.

I guess my point was, I don’t know why I keep doing it when I know chances are people aren’t going to care. Like, why the hell am I leaving the table from my son, stopping eating, just to hold the door for someone who is going to just keep on walking through it like I’m not there. I’m embarrassed my son saw that and thinks I’m a fool for doing so.

OP, reread what PP wrote and let it sink in. Your post was icky to me, too. It is all about you, isn't it? I think you can stop with your daily random acts of kindness now. You are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

[Anonymous]

I do this a lot but then if they don’t say thanks, I yell out a “YOU’RE WELCOME!” I know petty and childish but it keeps me from bottling up feelings of resentment so that I can happily keep doing little favors for people. Most do say thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and recognition is not the end goal, it's helping make someone's day easier

This is BS advice. You may not do it for a thank you, but if you aren't going to bothered to be appreciative you can get your own damn door.