Best tip on parenting adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gone from team captain, to coach, to cheerleader.

Captain = essential, actually on the field (when your kids are young)

Coach = calling plays but allowing independence (when your kids are older but not adults)

Cheerleader = you watch them run the game and you're on morale support. You might get to come on the field at half time or for some ceremonies (when your kids are independeent adults)

Love this!

[Anonymous]

I'm the parent of 3 adult children, ages 24, 28, and 30. I lend a listening ear, show interest in their lives, cheer for them when they have successes, and sympathize when times are rough. In general, I don't offer advice unless I'm asked, but if I feel strongly that my experience or perspective might be helpful to them in making a decision, I ask first before sharing my thoughts or, at the very most, I'll ask, "Have you considered . . . e.g., seeing a specialist, applying to grad school, calling that nice guy back, apologizing to your roommate?" In similar circumstances, this is what I would and have said to friends and to my sisters and cousins. In all these relationships, if you are asked for advice or permitted to offer it, regardless of whether the other person acts on your advice, you never say "I told you so."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are financially independent, you respect them as peers. You treat them as peers. You strive for a relationship of equals.

How do you make someone love you? You can't. All parties remain in each other's lives and care/love each other by choice.

Feeling attachment and love is what's ordinary. I would expect, that it's only in the most outliner/uniquely evil scenarios that love doesn't exist into adulthood.

This, plus what a previous poster said about 18+ versus still in college or graduated.

Mine are recent college grad "adults" -- one working in new career of choice...the other working, but not quite in career of choice so still actively looking. Both still living at home as jobs are in HCOL NOVA and I'm still footing the bill on things to give them a leg up and allow them to save/pay down small college loans. As mine are not quite fully financially independent, I am walking the fine line/gray area of giving advice. I do try to say...."this is my unsolicited advice, you can take it or leave it but then you have to live with the consequences."

[Anonymous]

Don't criticize constantly, don't take offense easily. If you seek your children's company, make said company pleasant and easy by being nurturing and kind. Do not expect your kids to want to see you if it's unpleasant and all on your terms. If you are not interested in your grandkids and don't want to help out at all in any way (I don't mean daily babysitting, just some degree of interest and involvement) then your kids will not be as interested in you either.

[Anonymous]

The best advice is that you're not "parenting" anymore. You can share your advice based on what you've experienced, but the receiver is not a child that requires the level of care that I think the word 'parenting' implies.

[Anonymous]

I am involved in my ACs lives. They are 28 and 24. They are also involved in my life. How much are we involved?

- They have a forever home in our house. Not required to pay rent or food or utilities and they can yo-yo back whenever they want. No age limit. Caveat - they are banking their money for wealth creation, retirement, down payment for home etc. No addiction issues will be tolerated. Either working, studying, getting healthy etc.
- In college - tuition, room and board, car, car costs, travel, clothes, gear, textbooks, phone, money to spend, vacations, medical insurance is completely on us.

We have our own life and they have their own life. But, we are more like friends. We do advice them and they also ask for advice. But, this is because we were very dedicated in our parenting when they were little. Hopefully, whatever values we instilled in them have taken hold.

[Anonymous]

What I have missed as an adult child was physical and emotional support when I had little kids. I think I'll always be a little resentful of it because 1. Both my in-laws and parents had significant weekly if not daily support from their parents with me and dh as babies and into teen years. 2. They were all very physically able to help and had the time. 3. They still demanded attention and time spent with grand kids, but on their terms exactly.

My kids are old now, but I still think it was so odd and clueless on their part to not even feel like helping a little bit, and it meant that my kids are not at all attached to their grandparents. I won't make that mistake when my kids have kids. I want to be a loving and present grandma.

[Anonymous]

PP, my parents are wonderful, loving Grandparents and babysat 1 night -- total the entire time my kids were growing up. I am not resentful. My kids love them, they are great people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, my parents are wonderful, loving Grandparents and babysat 1 night -- total the entire time my kids were growing up. I am not resentful. My kids love them, they are great people.

I don't relate. I think it's super selfish. Maybe they give a lot of money? Normally great people want to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, my parents are wonderful, loving Grandparents and babysat 1 night -- total the entire time my kids were growing up. I am not resentful. My kids love them, they are great people.

I don't relate. I think it's super selfish. Maybe they give a lot of money? Normally great people want to be helpful.

This. I had the same experience. My kids are teens and I never understood why grandparents are now surprised that grandkids don't contact them nor are close? I mean how can you if you spent minimal time with them when they were little. Then they try to play the victim and blame me why your kids are distant. I literally spent 14 years calling weekly on videocalls to develop some kind of relationship, my guess is if I had not done that, we'd not have even heard from them except at holidays! My parents somehow thought I'll be calling them forever, without noticing that grandkids had grown up meanwhile. Well, guess what, grandma, grandson is 15 and has his own phone! My neighbors know my kids more than grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, my parents are wonderful, loving Grandparents and babysat 1 night -- total the entire time my kids were growing up. I am not resentful. My kids love them, they are great people.

I don't relate. I think it's super selfish. Maybe they give a lot of money? Normally great people want to be helpful.

This. I had the same experience. My kids are teens and I never understood why grandparents are now surprised that grandkids don't contact them nor are close? I mean how can you if you spent minimal time with them when they were little. Then they try to play the victim and blame me why your kids are distant. I literally spent 14 years calling weekly on videocalls to develop some kind of relationship, my guess is if I had not done that, we'd not have even heard from them except at holidays! My parents somehow thought I'll be calling them forever, without noticing that grandkids had grown up meanwhile. Well, guess what, grandma, grandson is 15 and has his own phone! My neighbors know my kids more than grandparents.

Maybe it’s generational, but our kids and grandparents get along well but they don’t have a direct relationship. Neither calls the other directly and most updates (on both sides) occur through us parents. We see them 4-5 times per year…about three hours away.

I never had a direct relationship with my grandparents…maybe it will be different with our own grand kids.

[Anonymous]

I get sad that my own child barely sees his grandparents (4x a year for an afternoon for the ones 2 hours away, 1x per year for the ones a plane ride away), but it is what it is and we’ve replaced the grandparent role with local friends and neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get sad that my own child barely sees his grandparents (4x a year for an afternoon for the ones 2 hours away, 1x per year for the ones a plane ride away), but it is what it is and we’ve replaced the grandparent role with local friends and neighbors.

2 hours away is not that big of a deal…why only for an afternoon 4X per year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't parent anymore. You move to the friends stage. Do you try to parent or give unsolicited advice to your friends? No, so don't do it to your adult children. Of course you can still give advice and share stories with your kids, but only when asked and it's appropriate. You have to realize that you've raised wonderful children and it's their turn to make their own decisions. You only get 18 years to shape them.

It took one of our parents a bit longer to stop giving us patronizing advice and I will say that it was to that parents' detriment. That parent got less phone calls and it wasn't as interesting to talk to them because they just wanted to grill me on my investments, my job and any other decisions I was making.

How to convey your love? Listen to their stories about their travels or fun things they did on the weekend. Show interest in their friends or people they're dating. You have raised kids right when they still love you enough to willingly want to be your friend when they're grown.

Seeking some advice. This previous post reminds me of me, unfortunately. I’m the parent who seems to do the grilling. And I don’t want to do permanent damage. My son is 20, away at college. When we speak, especially on the phone, his responses are one worded. I would gladly and wholeheartedly listen to all he has to say, but he doesn’t tell me much lately. So , I feel like I’m always asking questions just to get some sort of conversation going. I tell little snippets from my week, etc. He does speak to my DH more, it’s usually sports/current events related, which I’ll discuss also. I just don’t want these one worded , barren conversations to be our future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Seems like most adult relationships with parents here are one sided with the benefit going towards the "child". I am supposed to just listen and not speak in our conversations, pay 100% for everything if I want to see them, give financially towards all their adult milestones and be a free babysitter when they deem me worthy to watch their kids. Don't call too much or too little, don't visit too much or too little, don't try too hard to have a relationship with DIL/SIL because that makes you needy and be ok with them not reciprocating and never have any expectations of being called, visited, or acknowledged for being used to provide whatever they needed... This sounds like a miserable way to spend your later years after putting your children first for 20+ years of their life and they can't reciprocate even simple things.

This is advice for creating a relationship your AC wants. I’ve estranged myself from my parents because they never asked how I was, expected us to always go to them, never offered help (or offered and then withdrew), and no they did not help financially.