Boyfriend and I from very different backgrounds

[Anonymous]

Of course it can work, if you both want it to. He made it out of that situation, and would be a good role model for future kids, and they can serve as a cautionary tale. And some of the most well off people I know are tradespeople that started their own companies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar marriage with kids and it’s REALLY hard (I’m white and from north Arlington, he’s Hispanic and from a small, poor town).

After kids, when life starts to get really hard, people tend to default back to behaviors learned from their family of origin. So while he really wanted to be a good partner and dad, he ended up defaulting to his own dad’s behavior, which is drinking and cheating. If you had asked him 10 years ago if he’d ever do that, he’d would have sworn he never would, but times of stress tend to bring those behaviors out.

It starts small (with him, a drink to unwind after a hard day, responding to an innocent DM from an ex when he felt lonely that all the attention was on the baby) and then escalated. Versus someone who had healthy behavior modeled for them and know that there are better ways to unwind and communicate that you need connection.

Bad friends would also be a dealbreaker for me. If you want marriage and kids, friends who will push him to do questionable things - like go out for a drink which turns into an all-nighter - will absolutely destroy your marriage.

People default to the 5 people they are closest to. Look at his 5 closest friends and family. Is that who you want to end up raising children with?

I mean maybe. I’m a poor white DH, my dad was an unemployed alcoholic his whole life; DW is POC grew up upper middle, and we are doing okay. But I did go to college and have worked solid for 25 years as a professional, we have two kids and I think I’m a good dad, at least according to my kids. My family so rife with alcoholism and mental illness, but I moved away and my DW (and a therapist) helped me build appropriate boundaries. There were definitely trying times, like the wedding was kind of more drama than we wanted, but I am conscientious about alcoholism and only drink for special events. No other drug use. Maybe some anxiety but hardly outlier mental health issues for the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Op a lot of relationships that’s seem fine in a vacuum quickly wither and die in the sunlight when placed in the context of friends and family. That’s probably for the best and is a good reason to meet each others people sooner rather than later.