Boyfriend and I from very different backgrounds

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are from very different backgrounds. He is white and grew up poor in the inner city. he did not go to college and works a trade job that pays him decent money. I am black and grew up very well off in the suburbs. I highly educated and have a white collar career.

We have fun together and are both very well read and intelligent. I’m getting nervous as we get more serious that our differences may lead to problems down the line. I recently met his friends and they were honestly not the kind of people I would ever hang out with. He wants me to meet his family soon, and has mentioned that there are multiple alcoholics and drug addicts.

When it’s just the two of us we get along wonderfully. Do you think this can work?

[Anonymous]

It’s going to continue to get more difficult, especially if you essentially want him to give up his friends and don’t want to hang around his family. You shouldn’t expect that in a relationship and that’s going to be a dealbreaker at some point.

[Anonymous]

Which inner city did your white boyfriend grow up in?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a hot mess. If you can’t commit to spending time with his family how will it work? Any wife would obviously spend holidays with them. Do you have some plan to get out of that? Is he close with them? How will it work when he wants any kids to be at his mom’s house?

[Anonymous]

It CAN work if the two of you come to an agreement on boundaries with family - both yours and his. Is he going to expect you to pay for interventions and rehabs for his family when you're married, for example. Is your family going to hound him about getting a college degree each time they see him, for example. You two will have to put each other before your respective families and be a united front to them. If you can do that it can work.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar marriage with kids and it’s REALLY hard (I’m white and from north Arlington, he’s Hispanic and from a small, poor town).

After kids, when life starts to get really hard, people tend to default back to behaviors learned from their family of origin. So while he really wanted to be a good partner and dad, he ended up defaulting to his own dad’s behavior, which is drinking and cheating. If you had asked him 10 years ago if he’d ever do that, he’d would have sworn he never would, but times of stress tend to bring those behaviors out.

It starts small (with him, a drink to unwind after a hard day, responding to an innocent DM from an ex when he felt lonely that all the attention was on the baby) and then escalated. Versus someone who had healthy behavior modeled for them and know that there are better ways to unwind and communicate that you need connection.

Bad friends would also be a dealbreaker for me. If you want marriage and kids, friends who will push him to do questionable things - like go out for a drink which turns into an all-nighter - will absolutely destroy your marriage.

People default to the 5 people they are closest to. Look at his 5 closest friends and family. Is that who you want to end up raising children with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which inner city did your white boyfriend grow up in?

Probably 8 mile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are from very different backgrounds. He is white and grew up poor in the inner city. he did not go to college and works a trade job that pays him decent money. I am black and grew up very well off in the suburbs. I highly educated and have a white collar career.

We have fun together and are both very well read and intelligent. I’m getting nervous as we get more serious that our differences may lead to problems down the line. I recently met his friends and they were honestly not the kind of people I would ever hang out with. He wants me to meet his family soon, and has mentioned that there are multiple alcoholics and drug addicts.

When it’s just the two of us we get along wonderfully. Do you think this can work?

Marriage is not lived alone on an island Once you have kids, the differences will be even more apparent. My concern would not be the racial differences at all but the red flags to me are family members who are alcoholics, drug addicts, socio economic differences and people who are you would have never been friends with. That’s a no go so far

[Anonymous]

While you can't choose your family, you can choose your friends. If his friends suck, that's a reflection on him.

“You're the average of the five people you spend the most time with”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are from very different backgrounds. He is white and grew up poor in the inner city. he did not go to college and works a trade job that pays him decent money. I am black and grew up very well off in the suburbs. I highly educated and have a white collar career.

We have fun together and are both very well read and intelligent. I’m getting nervous as we get more serious that our differences may lead to problems down the line. I recently met his friends and they were honestly not the kind of people I would ever hang out with. He wants me to meet his family soon, and has mentioned that there are multiple alcoholics and drug addicts.

When it’s just the two of us we get along wonderfully. Do you think this can work?

It depends on how conscious you are of these differences and how close he is to people of questionable behavior around him. One can understand family as one doesn't get to pick them but one can avoid questionable friends.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s difficult when one is college educated and one isn’t.

[Anonymous]

I am disgusted by the prejudices in this forum towards people from less privileged socio-economic backgrounds. A lot of people here complain about their alcoholic spouses, parents or describe their unhealthy alcohol and tablet use. If an alcoholic family member is reason for excluding a relationship, well then you won't have much choice. College education is no garantee no guarantee for an intellectual exchange. Some of the dumbest people I know went to college and on the other hand I met many people without higher education who go through life in a very reflective way. In an relationship it's important to have common interests and shared values. A different family background is a problem for narrow-minded people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I are from very different backgrounds. He is white and grew up poor in the inner city. he did not go to college and works a trade job that pays him decent money. I am black and grew up very well off in the suburbs. I highly educated and have a white collar career.

We have fun together and are both very well read and intelligent. I’m getting nervous as we get more serious that our differences may lead to problems down the line. I recently met his friends and they were honestly not the kind of people I would ever hang out with. He wants me to meet his family soon, and has mentioned that there are multiple alcoholics and drug addicts.

When it’s just the two of us we get along wonderfully. Do you think this can work?

This is the really big red flag to me.

We can’t choose family of origin but we do choose friends and they do influence us tremendously. If they are trashy people eventually your boyfriend will engage in the same behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am disgusted by the prejudices in this forum towards people from less privileged socio-economic backgrounds. A lot of people here complain about their alcoholic spouses, parents or describe their unhealthy alcohol and tablet use. If an alcoholic family member is reason for excluding a relationship, well then you won't have much choice. College education is no garantee no guarantee for an intellectual exchange. Some of the dumbest people I know went to college and on the other hand I met many people without higher education who go through life in a very reflective way. In a relationship it's important to have common interests and shared values. A different family background is a problem for narrow-minded people.

Try again. OP specifically said her boyfriend is intelligent and well read even though he didn’t go to college. She mentioned family members (plural) with addiction issues. This could certainly point to toxic family dynamics. That’s not a little deal. She didn’t say all the background differences were due to class she just talked about what all their differences were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a hot mess. If you can’t commit to spending time with his family how will it work? Any wife would obviously spend holidays with them. Do you have some plan to get out of that? Is he close with them? How will it work when he wants any kids to be at his mom’s house?

Why is it a hot mess?