Keeping huge secret from husband....should I tell him?

[Anonymous]

OP - consider checking out Project Rachel offered through the Catholic church.
You DON'T have to be affiliated with the Church or even Christian to attend.

Is your DH your best friend? He should be, you married him for better or for worse. You should be able to share everything with him
That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I never even tell my doctors because I don't find it truly relevant (I am in medicine myself) and know alot of my providers on a professional level.

Really? Don't your doc. (at least your ob/gyn) want to know that your uterus has carried a child in it? That there could be potential scaring from the abortion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I never even tell my doctors because I don't find it truly relevant (I am in medicine myself) and know alot of my providers on a professional level.

Really? Don't your doc. (at least your ob/gyn) want to know that your uterus has carried a child in it? That there could be potential scaring from the abortion?

Not OP, but it clearly did not impact the baby, she posted that she has a healthy infant. If this were such a critical issue, then doctors would not be so quick to do D&Cs for miscarriages. They would instead give the pill that causes your body to shed the baby naturally instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - consider checking out Project Rachel offered through the Catholic church.
You DON'T have to be affiliated with the Church or even Christian to attend.

Is your DH your best friend? He should be, you married him for better or for worse. You should be able to share everything with him
That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Eh, I question the motives of this poster.

I don't see what this information adds or doesn't add to your relationship. Why is it necessary to "share" this information? Does it affect him? Is it relevant? Would it change the way he feels about you?

You had a life before him. It is irrelevant. See a counselor and deal with your grief on your own.

If he asks, tell him. If he doesn't, then deal with your issues on your own.

[aprilmayjune]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - consider checking out Project Rachel offered through the Catholic church.
You DON'T have to be affiliated with the Church or even Christian to attend.

Is your DH your best friend? He should be, you married him for better or for worse. You should be able to share everything with him
That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Eh, I question the motives of this poster.

I don't see what this information adds or doesn't add to your relationship. Why is it necessary to "share" this information? Does it affect him? Is it relevant? Would it change the way he feels about you?

You had a life before him. It is irrelevant. See a counselor and deal with your grief on your own.

If he asks, tell him. If he doesn't, then deal with your issues on your own.

I disagree with this... we don't get married to deal with things on our own.. we get married and have a partner to deal with things with us. If this is something bothering the OP, I think she should have a discussion with him about it, and if not, the guilt of hiding it from him will only add another issue for her to deal with on her own.. it's a downwards piral

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to decide this right now OP, and if you are emotional and hormonal, you probably won't make the best decision.

Also if your husband does not respond how you hope he will (quite possible if you are both tired and stressed from new baby), you could be totally crushed and devastated, with noone else to talk to about it.

Don't set yourself up for disaster, wait for a better time when you can both handle it better.

[Anonymous]

OP, look, only you know your DH and how he might respond. None of us here know him.

If he is a sensitive and supportive guy, there might be a lot to be gained by telling him now -yes, now, when your hormones and your grief are at a high point. What I wish for you is a marrriage to someone so wonderful that he will (a) understand or not judge why you didn't tell him before, (b) totally get why this is coming up now for you and supporting you through your grief, and (c) give you the space you need to heal. As some have said, when everyone is at their most sleep-deprived, it might not be the best time, but it might actually be the very best time, in a way. It isn't random that you are thinking about this now.

Only you know whether you are married to someone who is likely to react that way. I am not. My DH hates the fact that I was engaged to someone else in college, long before I met him. Fortunately, I never faced the abortion decision and had nothing to disclose there, but I totally get how it has a whole different spin once you have a child of your own. I've been down that road in a support role for a close relative who was terminating because of a profound genetic problem, and it hit me a whole new way once I was a mother (and I am as rabidly pro choice as they come).

The counseling groups mentioned by PPs might be a great help to you even if you decide not to tell (or if you do and want the extra support anyway).

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and all the best to your new baby.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I am shocked at how many people are recommending against telling the DH. This is her husband, her life partner. Clearly this is weighing on the OPs mind and she needs and desires the support of her husband. Why else would she be contemplating this now? I can't believe people are telling her to wait because of hormones. This is precisely when she needs the support and care of the person who is supposed to love her most in the world, when she is feeling so vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Oh sure, keep lying. That's a great partnership. Good luck with it and let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies, OP, it must indeed be painful to love your children while thinking of your lost baby. Whatever you feel, don't blame yourself. What is done is done, and you did for the best. I would tell your DH right away, because he needs to understand how the birth of your child has triggered this emotion. This added complexity puts you more at risk for post-partum depression, so you definitely need to talk about it to someone, and who better than your husband?
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh sure, keep lying. That's a great partnership. Good luck with it and let us know how it goes.

She's not lying. He never asked so how can she by lying to him? I certainly haven't told my DH every little detail about my life before him because it is irrelevant and none of his business. Now if she had had the abortion while in a relationship with him, that would be a different story.