Keeping huge secret from husband....should I tell him?

[Anonymous]

When I was a teenager I had an abortion. That is something I have kept to myself for almost 20 years. Not one person in my family knows, anyone. Obviously I consider it to be a painful part of my past and it definitely was not something that I took lightly as a teenager. My parents were very religious and I happen to not be very organizationally religious. Now after all these years it is bothering me. Should I tell my husband? We have been together for ten years. He is an amazing person and we do have kids together.
I have kept it to myself and placed it as something that is very personal and painful and never saw the value in telling him or anyone. As I saw it, why live in the past, especially something that was very very painful? I chose to just focus on a present and a positive future but yet it is now bothering me and am wondering if I should tell him. And also, is there a way to tell him?

[Anonymous]

I would have done the same thing if I had gotten pregnant as a teenager. My parents are also very religious but it would still be a very hard secret to keep

If you have a strong need to tell your husband, then you should tell him. It is a significant part of your past and if he is the wonderful, supportive husband he is supposed to be, he should be able to accept it. It was a long time ago and you were young. I also don't think you HAVE to tell him. It happened so long ago. You didn't know him at the time and it's not important in your current relationship. It's kind of like how we don't really go into details about past sexual partners (at least I don't). Somethings are just better left alone.

Now if you had an abortion while in a relationship with your husband, that would be a different story!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have done the same thing if I had gotten pregnant as a teenager. My parents are also very religious but it would still be a very hard secret to keep

If you have a strong need to tell your husband, then you should tell him. It is a significant part of your past and if he is the wonderful, supportive husband he is supposed to be, he should be able to accept it. It was a long time ago and you were young. I also don't think you HAVE to tell him. It happened so long ago. You didn't know him at the time and it's not important in your current relationship. It's kind of like how we don't really go into details about past sexual partners (at least I don't). Somethings are just better left alone.

Now if you had an abortion while in a relationship with your husband, that would be a different story!

agree with this.

[Anonymous]

What are his views on the subject? How do you expect him to react? If he's strongly anti-aborttion it might damage your relationship.

Maybe you just need to talk about it with someone.

[Anonymous]

Ten years is a long time for that not to have come up.

On our first date my husband asked me if I had any children and I said no. His next question was "have you ever been pregnant before?" I thought that was a strange question.

If you are thinking about it then perhaps you should tell him. I don't know what good it will do though, other than to just be honest and know you aren't keeping anything from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten years is a long time for that not to have come up.

On our first date my husband asked me if I had any children and I said no. His next question was "have you ever been pregnant before?" I thought that was a strange question.

If you are thinking about it then perhaps you should tell him. I don't know what good it will do though, other than to just be honest and know you aren't keeping anything from him.

I can see why someone might ask that, I guess to see if you share the same values, and if not you could cut your losses early.

I would tell my DH as long as I thought he would be supportive, if I thought it would unecessarily impact our relationship in a negative way, I would keep it a secret.

[Anonymous]

9:25 That is a strange question for a first date.

I agree with 8:02 with a qualification on the strong need to tell you husband. It sounds to me that you don't want to tell him but are wondering whether you should. I'm not clear that that's the case. It's not like you've told lots of people except him. I understand where you are coming from though. Do you have a therapist? Is there anyone you could discuss this with? Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: my husband is not religious, pro-either side emphatically, although he does believe in a woman's right to choose. This happened when I was a teenager (long long before I met him). And it really never came up in conversation and at times I wondered when would it be the right time to tell him, and really there was never a good time and never a reason. The only reason would be just to tell him. And really the information would not be relevant in our day to day lives, the type of person he is I doubt he would judge me. But do I even take that risk? Would it just bring unnecessary hurt to him? In our lives and life together I never am untruthful to him and he really knows me since we have been together (seen the good and the bad) and still loves me...but that was in my past and was painful and honestly never considered it to be anyone's business. But it does occassionaly (like today) come up in my own consciousness and pains me occassionally that I would like to tell him, but no I do not have to. It may not do any good other than me "unloading" something that was very painful. I never talked to anyone about it and am considering going to confession to a priest to just get some closure and foregivenss from my faith, if that is even possible.

[Anonymous]

I had an abortion as a teenager as well - never told family and never will. My DH knows (I told him pretty early on in the relationship), but he is really not the judgmental type.

Honestly, if I were you OP, I probably wouldn't bring it up to DH without at least talking to a therapist first. Perhaps you are already going to counseling, but it sounds like you still have quite a lot of pain / anger about the abortion. After speaking with a therapist, perhaps you may want to tell your DH as part of the healing process.

But otherwise, unless it helps YOU, I don't think you have any obligation to tell your husband about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: I would also like to mention that I recently had a baby and am feeling very emotional from that. And no I am not seeing a counselor, not a bad idea but due to finances being tight and time constraints that is not a luxury I have currently.

[Anonymous]

OP check and see if there are free counceling services in your area.

[Anonymous]

OP, I might tell him solely because you must have told your medical professionals while pregnant, right? They ask if you have ever been pregnant before. I would think it a bit weird to withhold information from your husband that you just recently shared with your doctors.

[Anonymous]

9:46 PP here.

I understand the finances and time constraints. I just had a baby too (5 weeks old) so I get your feelings. I would say - don't tell DH until things stabilize a little at home. As in, baby isn't so young and demanding, you aren't going through baby blues, etc. Now is probably not the time to disclose (and your desire to is probably due to hormones at least in part) and the reality is that if you have waited 10 years, you can wait a little longer (as in, your DH won't wonder why you didn't tell him in year 11 vs. year 10 - he will wonder why you didn't tell him in year 1).

All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

no
what is from the past, stays in the past

[Anonymous]

I would only tell him if he asks.