Keeping huge secret from husband....should I tell him?

[Anonymous]

OP here: I never even tell my doctors because I don't find it truly relevant (I am in medicine myself) and know alot of my providers on a professional level.

[Anonymous]

Had a miscarriage as a teen and told DH before we got engaged. Even though never told anyone else I dated he definitely wanted to know.

If it is bothering you now it is not the past. Tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:46 PP here.

I understand the finances and time constraints. I just had a baby too (5 weeks old) so I get your feelings. I would say - don't tell DH until things stabilize a little at home. As in, baby isn't so young and demanding, you aren't going through baby blues, etc. Now is probably not the time to disclose (and your desire to is probably due to hormones at least in part) and the reality is that if you have waited 10 years, you can wait a little longer (as in, your DH won't wonder why you didn't tell him in year 11 vs. year 10 - he will wonder why you didn't tell him in year 1).

All the best to you.

I agree with this. Are you even sure what your motivation for telling him this is? Is it because it's bothering your or because you think this event was so significant for you that it's something that should be shared? I understand the finance issue but this is a good example of where the right counselor could really help you sort through the emotions as well as how to broach it with your DH. You might try contacting your local Planned Parenthood and see if there's someone there you can talk to. When I used them, they had a pay-what-you-can policy. I also wouldn't underestimate the effect of post-partum hormone changes. Waiting a little longer until things settle down won't hurt. FWIW, when DH and I first started to date, I made it clear that my prior dating/sexual history was none of his business. He was fine with that. He's only the third guy I've been with so it's not like I was trying to make myself out to me more pure or promiscuous than I was. I just think I'm entitled to privacy and there was nothing to be gained from sharing that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again: I would also like to mention that I recently had a baby and am feeling very emotional from that. And no I am not seeing a counselor, not a bad idea but due to finances being tight and time constraints that is not a luxury I have currently.

This actually makes perfect sense that now would be the time you are starting to think about that pregnancy when you were a teenager. There is a free service offered by the Catholic Church called Project Rachel for which offers support for port-abortive women. It might be worth looking into for support. It is my understanding that it is not judgemental or condeming, rather focuses on healing and acceptance.

[Anonymous]

I think it's reasonable to want to tell him if it's been on your mind a lot and you are feeling like you need or want support. You don't need to make a big deal out of it (and maybe right at the moment with the new baby is not the best time).

If you decided to tell him, I might say something like, "When I was a teenager something happened that I've never shared with anyone, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I felt like I needed to keep it to myself because of my family history, but now that it's far in the past it's important to me that you know about it." And then I'd just tell him, and maybe tell him that you're feeling very emotional about the children you have, that you don't regret your choice but you've been thinking a lot about it and wanted it out in the open.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him. It's not as though it's anything to be ashamed of. You were young. It was simply a choice you made that was best for you at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager I had an abortion. That is something I have kept to myself for almost 20 years. Not one person in my family knows, anyone. Obviously I consider it to be a painful part of my past and it definitely was not something that I took lightly as a teenager. My parents were very religious and I happen to not be very organizationally religious. Now after all these years it is bothering me. Should I tell my husband? We have been together for ten years. He is an amazing person and we do have kids together.
I have kept it to myself and placed it as something that is very personal and painful and never saw the value in telling him or anyone. As I saw it, why live in the past, especially something that was very very painful? I chose to just focus on a present and a positive future but yet it is now bothering me and am wondering if I should tell him. And also, is there a way to tell him?

No, I wouldn't and you need to get over the past. You can't change anything. Did he have unprotected sex prior to meeting you? If so, can he tell you if he impregnated anyone and she had an abortion? NO. Get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him. It's not as though it's anything to be ashamed of. You were young. It was simply a choice you made that was best for you at that time.

Well said. I agree 100%.

As for whether to tell DH, if it feels like an important thing going on in your life now -- meaning it's occupying your thoughts a lot -- so I think it makes sense to share it with DH. That's what marriage is all about -- having a partner to share the happy times and also to help you through the challenging times. Even though the abortion was long in the past, you're having challenging thoughts and feelings about it again now. I totally understand how new babies (and hormones!) bring up lots of old stuff. Right now you deserve all the love and support you can get. Let your husband help you through it. That's what spouses are for!

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager I had an abortion. That is something I have kept to myself for almost 20 years. Not one person in my family knows, anyone. Obviously I consider it to be a painful part of my past and it definitely was not something that I took lightly as a teenager. My parents were very religious and I happen to not be very organizationally religious. Now after all these years it is bothering me. Should I tell my husband? We have been together for ten years. He is an amazing person and we do have kids together.
I have kept it to myself and placed it as something that is very personal and painful and never saw the value in telling him or anyone. As I saw it, why live in the past, especially something that was very very painful? I chose to just focus on a present and a positive future but yet it is now bothering me and am wondering if I should tell him. And also, is there a way to tell him?

Only you know if he is the sort of person who might throw this back at you if he gets angry?

[Anonymous]

You said you aren't "organizationally" religious, but you might find help through a religious organization experienced with these issues. The Arlington diocese has Project Rachel for people who need healing from abortion. Certainly other faiths must have similar programs designed to help people with their feelings about past abortions. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

WAIT 6 MONTHS AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL. No rush here, the only urgency is your crazy post-baby hormones.

[Anonymous]

What is there to tell? It's really not relevant to your life together. You just had a baby together; the abortion is long in your past and of very little to no consequence now. Leave it be. I say this as someone who had an abortion when I was an older teenager. I don't go around randomly disclosing it, but I also don't consider it to be anything that taboo to discuss.

[Anonymous]

I was a PP who advocated telling, and I think it has more to do with the fact that it's weighing on your mind lately and you're feeling emotional about it than just the disclosing of the fact itself. I see it more as seeking support for something that's come up for you, in the same way that if you experienced child abuse that you never mentioned before you might feel the need to talk about it if you were feeling emotional about it once you had kids. Yes, it's in the past, but it's become real for you again in the present and your partner is the person you would turn to for support with that. Not with (re)evaluating either the original action or the choice not to tell him before now, but because you want him to know that something is up for you and to have his sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager I had an abortion. That is something I have kept to myself for almost 20 years. Not one person in my family knows, anyone. Obviously I consider it to be a painful part of my past and it definitely was not something that I took lightly as a teenager. My parents were very religious and I happen to not be very organizationally religious. Now after all these years it is bothering me. Should I tell my husband? We have been together for ten years. He is an amazing person and we do have kids together.
I have kept it to myself and placed it as something that is very personal and painful and never saw the value in telling him or anyone. As I saw it, why live in the past, especially something that was very very painful? I chose to just focus on a present and a positive future but yet it is now bothering me and am wondering if I should tell him. And also, is there a way to tell him?

No, I wouldn't and you need to get over the past. You can't change anything. Did he have unprotected sex prior to meeting you? If so, can he tell you if he impregnated anyone and she had an abortion? NO. Get on with your life.

In defense of the OP, for some people having an abortion can be very painful. ESPECIALLY when you one day do have a baby and you look in your baby's eyes will all the love in the world, the gravity of your past decisions can weigh heavy. Some mom's cannot help, but wonder "what if" and the potential of that lost child. I suspect this is what the OP is saying. For some people an abortion is not a trival choice to that one simply just "gets over".

Hey-I'm pro-choice, but a unborn child is not trash and it is a serious decision for those of us who wrestle with life's biggest questions.

[aprilmayjune]

I think that you should tell him. I think it'll make you feel better, and you will know that you and your husband have no secrets. He may be upset that it took you so long to tell him, but that's something he'll get over, and hopefully be supportive of you. I think you'll feel better to clear the air.