Should I volunteer at my child's school?

[Anonymous]

Op, I’ve been you 9 years ago, it’s not worth it. Don’t do it unless you want to do it for the fun of it.
My worst experience was when I was busting my tail off volunteering for that one first grade teacher, and years later I found out she would send my kid to the office on each minuscule offense. Some teachers, esp old school, seem to hate volunteers and think they create extra work and accountability for them.

[Anonymous]

I did it and learned about his classmates. After that I emailed the teacher for moms email and set up a play date with another kid. I gave it sometime ( several months) and asked my son if he wanted me to contact Charlie’s mom. If I didn’t volunteer there was no way of knowing his classmates unless I threw a big birthday party. I did that two years ago and he developed one friendship. This year we only did neighbors. Birthday parties and volunteering are the only ways I know to meet other kids and parents. Our school district doesn’t do sports yet. Sometimes with rec you can find classmates but it’s hit or miss.

[Anonymous]

I volunteer a lot at my kids' school and I don't think it gets me any preferential treatment. But it does get me in the school to see my kids in their environments, which is awesome. I get to know their teachers and administrators, and also my kids' friends and their friends' parents. It's given me the opportunity to be more social and my kids love seeing me there.

[Anonymous]

That’s really interesting, my kids are in FCPS and there’s not too much opportunity for classroom volunteering. There’s maybe 2 parties a year where the teacher needs help setting up and cleaning up afterwards, and some PTA activities like Field Day and the trunk or treat. I don’t know if it was always like this or if it’s a post Covid change, or maybe K allows more volunteering but my kids both went to private K so I wouldn’t know.

A million years ago when I was in school, they always looked for parent volunteers for the after school program. They had paid employees but always needed more hands. Not anymore I guess.

[Anonymous]

I volunteer as my work schedule will allow. Less than some parents, more than others. I usually will do two class parties a year and maybe a field trip as long as dd still wants me at her field trips. It’s probably max 4 hours of my time per year. There are parents that volunteer way more as part of the pta but they are always the SAH parents. I don’t do it for preferential treatment and I’ve never witnessed that. I do it to show up for my kid and to also contribute to our community since many of our schools nice to haves exist because parents are willing to volunteer their time and resources.

[Anonymous]

I volunteer and definitely don't get preferential treatment. However, I do appreciate being able to see what happens inside the classroom and school. This makes me more comfortable and knowledgeable about everything that happens there. I also appreciate getting to know teachers more.

[Anonymous]

I stopped volunteering once I realized it got me nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad how many people volunteer at school for their own perceived benefit and not…the good of the children!! Wth! How about you volunteer at the school because it’s the right thing to do.

Because nobody does anything in life for those reasons alone. Even when you do something because it's the "right thing to do," in the back of your mind you are also doing it to increase your chances of being perceived well by others, reduce your future risk of being blamed for wrongdoing, etc. These motivations might not be in the forefront of your mind, but your subconscious is working out all the math behind the scenes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad how many people volunteer at school for their own perceived benefit and not…the good of the children!! Wth! How about you volunteer at the school because it’s the right thing to do.

Because nobody does anything in life for those reasons alone. Even when you do something because it's the "right thing to do," in the back of your mind you are also doing it to increase your chances of being perceived well by others, reduce your future risk of being blamed for wrongdoing, etc. These motivations might not be in the forefront of your mind, but your subconscious is working out all the math behind the scenes.

I’m the pp you’re responding to, and that thinking just doesn’t apply to me. I volunteer at my kids school and I don’t expect anything out of it for me or my family. I’m doing it because all of the kids should have some fun related to school, and that shouldn’t be all on the teachers. Maybe it’s because I grew up poor and didn’t have any extras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad how many people volunteer at school for their own perceived benefit and not…the good of the children!! Wth! How about you volunteer at the school because it’s the right thing to do.

Because nobody does anything in life for those reasons alone. Even when you do something because it's the "right thing to do," in the back of your mind you are also doing it to increase your chances of being perceived well by others, reduce your future risk of being blamed for wrongdoing, etc. These motivations might not be in the forefront of your mind, but your subconscious is working out all the math behind the scenes.

If all that math is going on, but the outcome is helpful for the students at the school, what's the problem? Win-win

I could easily come up with different math where I don't flex my time and I don't go into the school. Having other motivation (besides school placement which as anyone can tell you is not guaranteed) to cause us to volunteer sounds human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad how many people volunteer at school for their own perceived benefit and not…the good of the children!! Wth! How about you volunteer at the school because it’s the right thing to do.

Because nobody does anything in life for those reasons alone. Even when you do something because it's the "right thing to do," in the back of your mind you are also doing it to increase your chances of being perceived well by others, reduce your future risk of being blamed for wrongdoing, etc. These motivations might not be in the forefront of your mind, but your subconscious is working out all the math behind the scenes.

If all that math is going on, but the outcome is helpful for the students at the school, what's the problem? Win-win

I could easily come up with different math where I don't flex my time and I don't go into the school. Having other motivation (besides school placement which as anyone can tell you is not guaranteed) to cause us to volunteer sounds human.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound as if it's fine for a child to get preferential treatment in exchange for their parent helping out at school. It's not.

I was on the board of my kids' school PTA for many years, and was in the building a lot, organizing and helping out with various events.
My kids did not receive preferential treatment, I did not ask for special placement or favors. That would have been ethically wrong.

However, working with the administration, teachers and staff allows parents to understand what it is that a school can and cannot do. Resources are limited. They should be directed to the neediest cases first. Knowing how a school works allows parents to understand what to ask for if their kid really needs help: who to contact, what are reasonable accommodations, and how long it might be until the issue is addressed. It keeps parents realistic, instead of fuming that something doesn't get fixed instantly.

Conversely, if the administration and teachers see you genuinely helping (instead of creating more nonsense busywork some PTA parents dream up!), and if your kid really does develop a problem, they will be more inclined to believe you, because a measure of trust has been established. I see this most often with parents of kids with special needs, some of whom volunteer so they can observe their child in the classroom, and understand how to make available services and accommodations work for their kid. Teachers see these parents doing their best, and skip the notion that bad parenting is at the root of their kid's behavioral issues.

But procotols and procedures still need to be followed, and parents cannot demand something outside of the rulebook.

Great post above. My PTA helping and other school volunteering gave me info, helped me understand how to guide my child, and gave me credibility when my kid had social problems with other kids at aftercare and recess. I didn't expect or receive perks.

If the principal attends PTA, going to PTA meetings...no matter whether you enjoy it, it seems cliquey to you, etc...gives you a good opportunity to bring issues forward and figure out whether the school is on track. In my district, all PTAs meet during the evening, so working parents can participate.

I have been a PTA member K-12. There are only a few active members involved. It hasn't been a source of "mom friends" but it has given me more of a sense of community involvement which I value.

PTAs often come across as cliquey but that is often just a bond formed by people who get used to putting on fun events with insufficient volunteer staffing. And general social awkwardness. Gen X did not get raised like the "Hostess with the Mostess" Boomers. And Millennials around me are even less interested in volunteering. If you have your own friends (not necessarily elementary parents) and can pull off organizing an event, you will quickly get incorporated into the core. And don't be upset to keep reintroducing yourself...most only see each other once a month.

The bolded is so, so true about why people don't volunteer.

That said, I do think some PTAs (and similar groups in any organization) can get very resistant to incorporating new people. Once you have a group that's been around long enough they have a circle of trust and get used to doing everything. Then there are no opportunities to organize an event, because the small circle is already doing it. So you can't show you can handle it. So you can't get incorporated into the core. And it becomes a bad spiral until the group somehow changes, in which case a lot of important know-how is often lost.

No this doesn't describe every PTA, but the ones that feel cliquey often do because of the circle of trust issue, not genuine cliquey-ness.

+1, this was the case with the PTA at our old elementary. I tried to volunteer several times the first year and was always told there was nothing to do. I later just volunteered with the classroom or on field trips.

Also we always have money when prompted and volunteered to send in snacks and donation items, but the PTA became very heavy handed with requests for money the longer we were there. Combined with being cliquish, this rubbed us the wrong way-- we are if course happy to donate but don't like the sense that it's required while simultaneously being rebuffed from volunteering. The whole place had a weird vibe.

We are at a new elementary now and it's way more normal and easy to volunteer and give and people are pleasant and friendly. Really confirmed for me that something was amiss at the last school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad how many people volunteer at school for their own perceived benefit and not…the good of the children!! Wth! How about you volunteer at the school because it’s the right thing to do.

Because nobody does anything in life for those reasons alone. Even when you do something because it's the "right thing to do," in the back of your mind you are also doing it to increase your chances of being perceived well by others, reduce your future risk of being blamed for wrongdoing, etc. These motivations might not be in the forefront of your mind, but your subconscious is working out all the math behind the scenes.

There's truth to this but it's not universal. I find volunteering at school kind of painful but force myself to do it a few times a year because I know they need volunteers and I know my kid likes it when I do. So I guess I'm "doing the math" on the teachers and PTA andy kid liking me more if I volunteer? I'm a person in society and I do want to be like and respected.

But that's different from wanting some quid pro quo of favors for my kid. Wanting to live up to the social contract so people think we'll of you generally is different than just transactionally hoping you will get something of value in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer if you want/have time, or don't if you can't. Just be nice and pleasant in general in your interactions with the school. But you don't need to volunteer in order for your kid to get preferential treatment.

+1. I guess in some schools this might be the case but certainly not a thing. I volunteer at my kids’ school but don’t expect anything in return because that would be entitled.

[Anonymous]

Kids that are nice, polite, respect, kind and smart get preferential treatment. I want kids like that in my class. I want to see them thrive. Not kids of parents who are jerks. Being a good kid goes a long way. Volunteer for the right reasons.