How to stop DD12’s passive aggressiveness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Your dd is literally a child. Of course it seems "juvenile" because it is ! Perhaps you are creating this by always turning her down? Take a look at your behavior and what YOU do. Are you passive aggressive? Women aren't taught how to ask for things directly or they will be punished. Your expectations for a child is really too high a bar.

+1

Also, maybe she sees you're busy and overwhelmed and doesn't want to disrupt. Maybe you just need to initiate more.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop being passive-aggressive first. Child see, child do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment can be overwhelming at that age. She’s trying to buffer herself. Try to be more empathetic with the big teen emotions
And how they learn to navigate them.

Agree. It’s annoying though. I’d ignore it OP. Just answer the direct question she is asking without addressing the passive aggressive part. And if it isn’t a question, I’d ignore the passive question all together

[Anonymous]

A cheerful “try again!” still works on tweens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A cheerful “try again!” still works on tweens.

Um...no.

[Anonymous]

If you want to change a behavior you have to name it and understand it. Sit her down when you are both calm and explain to her how to phrase questions without the part that she adds. Then ask why she does that. Give plenty of time for her to think and respond. Then explain why you don’t like it. Let her know that it makes you feel like a meanie who always says no. She needs to understand the dynamic. Explain how it is always better to ask directly for what you want, and that others will respect her more if she does. Ask her if she is trying to avoid being told no, not right now, and ask her how that feels. Can she tolerate a no? There’s obviously something more underneath this. Do some reality testing about what actually will happen versus what she is afraid of.

Once the behavior is clearly understood, you change if by ignoring it completely, or having consequences that are immediate. If I thought she was doing it on purpose I’d have her write out the correct way to ask for something five times, to help her “practice.” If I thought she had some underlying worry I’d address that and each time I’d say something like “Are you worried that I’m going to say no and that will be horrible? On a scale of one to ten, how horrible would it really be if I have to put in laundry and you need to wait ten minutes?” And always praise when the behavior is improving.

[Anonymous]

After one of these statements, I would ask, "Are you asking me a question?" And then wait for her to rephrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After one of these statements, I would ask, "Are you asking me a question?" And then wait for her to rephrase.

This. Let her rephrase if she wants it. And later on don't prompt her to rephrase, just say, "Hmm" or "Interesting" so she can learn that what she said was not the same as asking directly for what she wanted, and it's not going to get the same results. It's like the PP said, either ignore or have immediate consequences.

[Anonymous]

Do you see her doing this with others, or mostly just with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just ignore it and answer?

Just say " since you've already assumed the answer is no why ask?". Then change the subject.