How to stop DD12’s passive aggressiveness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

All women do it. If you don't than you are "bossy" or "aggressive"

In that case, I believe people would describe me using those words!

I don't believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

All women do it. If you don't than you are "bossy" or "aggressive"

In that case, I believe people would describe me using those words!

I don't believe you.

That’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Does she do this with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people?

To an extent with her father, but no one else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this with other people?

To an extent with her father, but no one else

Then there’s probably something in the way people in your home respond to her requests that is making her insecure. Can you proactively tell her “I’d love to spend time with you later” or “do you have any ideas on dinner?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

All women do it. If you don't than you are "bossy" or "aggressive"

In that case, I believe people would describe me using those words!

I don't believe you.

YEah, the child learned it from somewhere. Her parents.

[Anonymous]

“I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it.”

This sticks out to me. If she’s always getting corrected it’s going to make her more unsteady in communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it.”

This sticks out to me. If she’s always getting corrected it’s going to make her more unsteady in communication

Do you have any advice? You make a good point.

[Anonymous]

My son does this and it drives me batty. He’s just very conflict averse and obviously experimenting with manipulation. I gently call it out. He is generally a sweet mellow guy who doesn’t ask for much so I don’t kick up a huge fuss. I can see that someday it may make his wife want to strangle him though.

[Anonymous]

Disappointment can be overwhelming at that age. She’s trying to buffer herself. Try to be more empathetic with the big teen emotions
And how they learn to navigate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment can be overwhelming at that age. She’s trying to buffer herself. Try to be more empathetic with the big teen emotions
And how they learn to navigate them.

This makes sense; but at the same time, we don’t generally disappoint her and always make time for her, always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it.”

This sticks out to me. If she’s always getting corrected it’s going to make her more unsteady in communication

Do you have any advice? You make a good point.

Yes, I’d ignore it and answer the question.
“You probably can’t hang out because you have laundry”
“I’ll do it later, let’s hang”
“I’d love to go for a walk”
Or “we can do it together then get ice cream”

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's juvenile. There are adult members of my own family who behave this way. I also find it abhorrent. I think you should do what you have been doing. Keep correcting her. Explaining why it's wrong. Tell her it is inappropriate and disrespectful and there will be consequences if she keeps it up. Then follow through.

I'd say to my kid, do not approach me like this again, or the phone is gone. And then the phone would be gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

I would just agree with her. And follow it up with.

"Yep, you're right. We could have lasagne for dinner and I'm going to say 'no' because of the way you asked me. Next time say, 'hey mom, can we have lasagne for dinner?' And I'll make every effort to make that happen." Then when she does change her tone reward her with what she wants.

[Anonymous]

I would have her repeat it again, without the passive aggressiveness. That’s what I do when I get a bad tone etc and it helps. Or I just stop and give her a look and that seems to also do it.