How to stop DD12’s passive aggressiveness?

[Anonymous]

It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

[Anonymous]

“Hey, when you talk to me like you assume I’ll never do what you want, it’s not very nice. Can you try to just ask and I promise I’ll try to make it work?”

“Whoops, you’re doing it again!”

[Anonymous]

Do you usually say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you usually say no?

No!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey, when you talk to me like you assume I’ll never do what you want, it’s not very nice. Can you try to just ask and I promise I’ll try to make it work?”

“Whoops, you’re doing it again!”

I’ve said some variation of both of these unsuccessful in the past. It’s almost like reflexive at this point.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you just ignore it and answer?

[Anonymous]

Is she a HSP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you just ignore it and answer?

It persists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she a HSP?

Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Your dd is literally a child. Of course it seems "juvenile" because it is ! Perhaps you are creating this by always turning her down? Take a look at your behavior and what YOU do. Are you passive aggressive? Women aren't taught how to ask for things directly or they will be punished. Your expectations for a child is really too high a bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

All women do it. If you don't than you are "bossy" or "aggressive"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Stop modeling it. Although the damage is probably already done.

I have never, not once, modeled this behavior. I find it abhorrent.

All women do it. If you don't than you are "bossy" or "aggressive"

In that case, I believe people would describe me using those words!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s driving me bananas and I can’t figure out why she doesn’t just say what she wants. Examples:

“When we get home we could do X together, but we probably can’t because you’ll have to start laundry.”

Instead of:

“Mom, when we get home do you think we can do X together?”

Or:

“I want to have X for dinner but I’m sure you’ll say no.”

Instead of:

“Mom, do you think we can have X for dinner?”

It feels so juvenile, like she’s too old for this. When she says something passive aggressive, I always correct her with a corresponding “correct” way to approach me about something, but she’s yet to do it. I’m growing so weary of this and find myself getting short with her when she does this. I also don’t want her to grow up and become an adult who annoys people with this behavior!


Help! Any and all advice?

Your dd is literally a child. Of course it seems "juvenile" because it is ! Perhaps you are creating this by always turning her down? Take a look at your behavior and what YOU do. Are you passive aggressive? Women aren't taught how to ask for things directly or they will be punished. Your expectations for a child is really too high a bar.

As I said, I don’t turn her down if she asks, I always make it work. And I do ask for the things I want. I don’t want her to grow up perpetuating this annoying behavior.