Sibling just doesn’t care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

So many people here choose to be martyrs. Why did you have to cancel your plans? Did your parent not have any other care? Were they in the hospital? Was the other parent there? Coud you not arrange for other care? Elderly parents do not need to be babied every single day of their lives. So many people come here hating on their siblings for doing as much as they do, but I always have to ask: why do you think you have to provide company for your parent every single day? I believe it's so you can hold something over your sibling. Get over it. Everybody has their reasons. Be more respectful of those.

Enter the narcissistic sibling. The one that has all the opinions but doesn't help.

It's much easier to have all the answers if you haven't actually dealt with the elderly person in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it. That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent. They are toxic and make my life miserable. Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it. That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent. They are toxic and make my life miserable. Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE!

I think some people can not fathom what abuse is like and there's a continuum. Many of us received what is now considered abuse, but when growing up, especially in some ethnic groups was considered normal or acceptable. Many of us forgave them and developed an adult relationship only to find as they age they revert back to insults, comparisons (everyone's adult child is BETTER than YOU!), guilt trips, dramatics, fake emergencies, screaming, etc. So you get therapy to work with this raging loon only to find you try every technique and just don't have the mental energy to deal with this AND raise your challenging kids and deal with your own health upkeep and be a good spouse and suddenly you have more physical pain and you are getting sick more often and...

I have low contact and outsourced everything when I reached my breaking point. My husband had been near death and mom was still was all "me,me.me" and"now, now, now."

By the way the "gained too much weight" hit close to home. Not only does mom obsess over my weight and she was thrilled when all the stress made me lose a lot of weight, but she gives generous financial gifts to one of her nieces to manipulate her into visiting more and doing things for her, but the niece, her kids and her husband all range from fat to obese which is mortifying to my mother and she is afraid to be seen in public with them. She also is devastated if the neighbors see them. My cousins has no idea and I would never tell her because mom likes the attention and I refuse to ever be as hurtful as my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it. That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent. They are toxic and make my life miserable. Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE!

I think some people can not fathom what abuse is like and there's a continuum. Many of us received what is now considered abuse, but when growing up, especially in some ethnic groups was considered normal or acceptable. Many of us forgave them and developed an adult relationship only to find as they age they revert back to insults, comparisons (everyone's adult child is BETTER than YOU!), guilt trips, dramatics, fake emergencies, screaming, etc. So you get therapy to work with this raging loon only to find you try every technique and just don't have the mental energy to deal with this AND raise your challenging kids and deal with your own health upkeep and be a good spouse and suddenly you have more physical pain and you are getting sick more often and...

I have low contact and outsourced everything when I reached my breaking point. My husband had been near death and mom was still was all "me,me.me" and"now, now, now."

By the way the "gained too much weight" hit close to home. Not only does mom obsess over my weight and she was thrilled when all the stress made me lose a lot of weight, but she gives generous financial gifts to one of her nieces to manipulate her into visiting more and doing things for her, but the niece, her kids and her husband all range from fat to obese which is mortifying to my mother and she is afraid to be seen in public with them. She also is devastated if the neighbors see them. My cousins has no idea and I would never tell her because mom likes the attention and I refuse to ever be as hurtful as my mother.

If all my mother ever did was tell me I was fat or ugly, I would be thrilled. It’s funny how some people think they have the worst parents when there’s unimaginable and much more heavier things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it. That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent. They are toxic and make my life miserable. Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE!

I think some people can not fathom what abuse is like and there's a continuum. Many of us received what is now considered abuse, but when growing up, especially in some ethnic groups was considered normal or acceptable. Many of us forgave them and developed an adult relationship only to find as they age they revert back to insults, comparisons (everyone's adult child is BETTER than YOU!), guilt trips, dramatics, fake emergencies, screaming, etc. So you get therapy to work with this raging loon only to find you try every technique and just don't have the mental energy to deal with this AND raise your challenging kids and deal with your own health upkeep and be a good spouse and suddenly you have more physical pain and you are getting sick more often and...

I have low contact and outsourced everything when I reached my breaking point. My husband had been near death and mom was still was all "me,me.me" and"now, now, now."

By the way the "gained too much weight" hit close to home. Not only does mom obsess over my weight and she was thrilled when all the stress made me lose a lot of weight, but she gives generous financial gifts to one of her nieces to manipulate her into visiting more and doing things for her, but the niece, her kids and her husband all range from fat to obese which is mortifying to my mother and she is afraid to be seen in public with them. She also is devastated if the neighbors see them. My cousins has no idea and I would never tell her because mom likes the attention and I refuse to ever be as hurtful as my mother.

If all my mother ever did was tell me I was fat or ugly, I would be thrilled. It’s funny how some people think they have the worst parents when there’s unimaginable and much more heavier things.

This isn't the Suffer Olympics. You don't have to have the worst parents ever to bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this.

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care? I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way.

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it. That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent. They are toxic and make my life miserable. Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE!

I think some people can not fathom what abuse is like and there's a continuum. Many of us received what is now considered abuse, but when growing up, especially in some ethnic groups was considered normal or acceptable. Many of us forgave them and developed an adult relationship only to find as they age they revert back to insults, comparisons (everyone's adult child is BETTER than YOU!), guilt trips, dramatics, fake emergencies, screaming, etc. So you get therapy to work with this raging loon only to find you try every technique and just don't have the mental energy to deal with this AND raise your challenging kids and deal with your own health upkeep and be a good spouse and suddenly you have more physical pain and you are getting sick more often and...

I have low contact and outsourced everything when I reached my breaking point. My husband had been near death and mom was still was all "me,me.me" and"now, now, now."

By the way the "gained too much weight" hit close to home. Not only does mom obsess over my weight and she was thrilled when all the stress made me lose a lot of weight, but she gives generous financial gifts to one of her nieces to manipulate her into visiting more and doing things for her, but the niece, her kids and her husband all range from fat to obese which is mortifying to my mother and she is afraid to be seen in public with them. She also is devastated if the neighbors see them. My cousins has no idea and I would never tell her because mom likes the attention and I refuse to ever be as hurtful as my mother.

If all my mother ever did was tell me I was fat or ugly, I would be thrilled. It’s funny how some people think they have the worst parents when there’s unimaginable and much more heavier things.

This isn't the Suffer Olympics. You don't have to have the worst parents ever to bad parents.

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