Sibling just doesn’t care

[Anonymous]

Was the family a dysfunctional family growing up? Whether abuse of some kind, or even sexism, as the PP mentioned?

There are many people who were bad parents, and then when they need care later in life, those abused or neglected children don't wish to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the family a dysfunctional family growing up? Whether abuse of some kind, or even sexism, as the PP mentioned?

There are many people who were bad parents, and then when they need care later in life, those abused or neglected children don't wish to take care of them.

Sure. And the fact that parents have a good relationship with one child doesn't mean they have a good relationship with another.

But IME, the difference between kids who step up and those who don't isn't past trauma, it's current selfishness.

If anyone can come up with a satisfying explanation why most kids in a family come through for each other (not just parents and kids, but siblings for each other), I'd love to hear it. But usually what we get is "They were nice to my siblings but not to me," and in my own family of origin, that is definitely NOT what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the family a dysfunctional family growing up? Whether abuse of some kind, or even sexism, as the PP mentioned?

There are many people who were bad parents, and then when they need care later in life, those abused or neglected children don't wish to take care of them.

+1 NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

DP,
There is only abuse and sexism in the Middle East? Are you crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

So many people here choose to be martyrs. Why did you have to cancel your plans? Did your parent not have any other care? Were they in the hospital? Was the other parent there? Coud you not arrange for other care? Elderly parents do not need to be babied every single day of their lives. So many people come here hating on their siblings for doing as much as they do, but I always have to ask: why do you think you have to provide company for your parent every single day? I believe it's so you can hold something over your sibling. Get over it. Everybody has their reasons. Be more respectful of those.

[Anonymous]

I’m so thankful my family is not this petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

So many people here choose to be martyrs. Why did you have to cancel your plans? Did your parent not have any other care? Were they in the hospital? Was the other parent there? Coud you not arrange for other care? Elderly parents do not need to be babied every single day of their lives. So many people come here hating on their siblings for doing as much as they do, but I always have to ask: why do you think you have to provide company for your parent every single day? I believe it's so you can hold something over your sibling. Get over it. Everybody has their reasons. Be more respectful of those.

Not PP, but have you ever had to deal with an elderly person with a broken hip?!? And it is impossible to arrange 24 hour care on the spot, even when money is not an issue. It seems you have never been in this situation and you are the unhelpful sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you find it helpful to vent, but I found it just made me more angry. I finally had to look at my own life, what I could handle and what boundaries I needed. I am glad I went above and beyond for dad and I feel good about that. I don't really think that often about the fact my sister started to be in his life more just in time to make sure she got her piece of the pie. I focus on the fact I got to show my love and be there for him.

Mom is different-more volatile and mean-spirited. I figured out my limits. I don't even think it means she gets worse care. I think it's better for her to get more from strangers trained to deal with her to than to let her use me as a verbal punching bag. It doesn't matter that my sister gets away with being lazy and gets better treatment from mom anymore because I am not over my limit. I can accept it without any more resentment. If I were overextending myself it would be different.

Now if it helps you to vent and analyze and call your sibling names and commiserate on here then have at it. Do what you need to do to cope. I just found for me it brought me down even more. Boundaries were my solution.

You sound very emotionally healthy. A rarity around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

So many people here choose to be martyrs. Why did you have to cancel your plans? Did your parent not have any other care? Were they in the hospital? Was the other parent there? Coud you not arrange for other care? Elderly parents do not need to be babied every single day of their lives. So many people come here hating on their siblings for doing as much as they do, but I always have to ask: why do you think you have to provide company for your parent every single day? I believe it's so you can hold something over your sibling. Get over it. Everybody has their reasons. Be more respectful of those.

NP. Sheesh. It's not that easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

Nope. I am white as white can be and my relatives came to this country long ago. What I describe is not unusual in the south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

DP,
There is only abuse and sexism in the Middle East? Are you crazy?

I am the poster above. People who grew up in less dysfunctional families always, ALWAYS dismiss what I say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

it.

I can tell. You are one of those "bright-sided" people. I'd bet if a sibling or cousin told you they'd been abused, you just would not believe them. I am not saying that I am literally the person someone is talking about. I'm reminding people that there are good reasons some siblings don't step up and you may night realize

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t.

I have older brothers. They assumed in every case that I was responsible for my abusive mother. They never concerned themselves with planning for her care because they assumed I would take care of all of it. We are not close and I have spent my adult life distancing myself from all of them. She and my brothers are misogynists. Women are considered a lower class and I was treated as less than from the first moments of my life. They all also assume I am responsible for my brothers as well. They treated me like hired help my entire life. Once I got married and had a family and therapy I put a stop to this. I am that sibling you are all complaining about. I continued to help my mother through her last surgery but that was it. Her sisters my aunts, are furious that I am not constantly flying states away to visit her even though she is in good health and having no problems. Even though they know about the abuse, they expect me to be there for her all the time. I tried multiple times to discuss planning for her care for over a decade. The oldest brothers took over and have never included me in a single discussion.

My case is not that rare. I know several other women dealing with similar attitudes. I speak up for those siblings you are trashing here. I know lots of people who will minimize the abuse that occurred in their families. You think that sibling should just step up and be a part of the team when they never were before. To you I say, go stuff it.

Lots of men were raised with the belief that women exist to care for them and not vice versa. It doesn't surprise me, since sexism is alive and well in 2024, that everyone is still making the sexist assumption that the daughters in the family should be primary care takers.

I’m sorry you went through this but this sounds like some cultural/middle eastern family issue. Not the case in my Western family and my sibling is my sister, not some misogynistic brother. So no, you are not the sibling we’re talking about.

DP. WTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong to think less of, or even dislike your sibling who has amply time and opportunity, but who just can’t be bothered to lift a finger to help an aging and infirm parent? I mean literally, just does nothing at all and couldn’t care less. Would it be justifiable to just not like that sibling anymore?

Yes definately acceptable.

Have a similar sibling. We all live 1K-3K from parents. I do all the helping. Sibling works job and gets summers off (no summer job). 8 years ago, parents were visiting me, one fell and broke hip, after 2 weeks with me we had a vacation planned (and could not cancel---had to pay for it all), sibling refused to come and assist (despite me offering to pay all expenses, they just had to come for 5 days)---sibling had no job commitment, just their own "personal activities". So I had to cancel vacation and take care of parent. They refused to help their own parents.

That was the final straw in difficult dealings with that sibling. Parents know I'm the one responsible for helping them and know that kid wont do anything. I no longer talk to that sibling. Sick of them being so self centered and ungrateful (it was years leading up to this, this was just the final---WTF moment of them being unwilling to help).

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to cut people out of your life who add no value and only add extra stress.

So many people here choose to be martyrs. Why did you have to cancel your plans? Did your parent not have any other care? Were they in the hospital? Was the other parent there? Coud you not arrange for other care? Elderly parents do not need to be babied every single day of their lives. So many people come here hating on their siblings for doing as much as they do, but I always have to ask: why do you think you have to provide company for your parent every single day? I believe it's so you can hold something over your sibling. Get over it. Everybody has their reasons. Be more respectful of those.

Enter the narcissistic sibling. The one that has all the opinions but doesn't help.