Reply to Sibling just doesn’t care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My brother hasn’t visited my mother in the nursing home for six months. My dad died in January and we had the reading of the will and it appears that he concluded that he gets the same amount on my mothers death no matter how he behaves so why show up and be kind and help? She keeps asking for him. It’s horrible. Also wondering if there is a pattern where women step up and men don’t. [/quote]

It's not always a gender divide, but women doing invisible labor vs men doing what they want is absolutely part of this. [/quote]

I get the invisible labor thing, but I don't understand *why* people don't want to show up for their loved ones. Or do they just not care?[b] I can't imagine just ignoring my elderly parents. [/b]It's not difficult to visit someone for a few hours. My DH was very helpful to his mom until she died. It's so weird to me that people act this way. [/quote]

np If you didn't have mentally ill parents of course you don't get it.  That's why I don't talk to my elderly parent.  They are toxic and make my life miserable.  Plus they told me that they wanted no contact because I gained "too much weight"

BYE![/quote]

I think some people can not fathom what abuse is like and there's a continuum. Many of us received what is now considered abuse, but when growing up, especially in some ethnic groups was considered normal or acceptable. Many of us forgave them and developed an adult relationship only to find as they age they revert back to insults, comparisons (everyone's adult child is BETTER than YOU!), guilt trips, dramatics, fake emergencies, screaming, etc. So you get therapy to work with this raging loon only to find you try every technique and just don't have the mental energy to deal with this AND raise your challenging kids and deal with your own health upkeep and be a good spouse and suddenly you have more physical pain and you are getting sick more often and...

I have low contact and outsourced everything when I reached my breaking point. My husband had been near death and mom was still was all "me,me.me" and"now, now, now."

By the way the "gained too much weight" hit close to home. Not only does mom obsess over my weight and she was thrilled when all the stress made me lose a lot of weight, but she gives generous financial gifts to one of her nieces to manipulate her into visiting more and doing things for her, but the niece, her kids and her husband all range from fat to obese which is mortifying to my mother and she is afraid to be seen in public with them. She also is devastated if the neighbors see them. My cousins has no idea and I would never tell her because mom likes the attention and I refuse to ever be as hurtful as my mother.[/quote]

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