Would you be upset with DS?

[Anonymous]

Tell your dad that your 15 year old will be fine together. Why not do things on your own? Have you own fun week?

My dad hangs out with him a lot (he is local and they both like watching the same esoteric sport on TV). He's not so much worried that they won't be fine together as he is that he can't do all the activities that DS wants. He has a hard time saying no. For example, he and DS can both play pickleball, but DS is obviously in better shape, and when they are here, he always keeps my dad out longer than he wanted at it, and then my dad feels like crap. I think my dad just needs to draw better limits. He is a quiet guy and not super assertive guy and it is hard for him to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Tell your dad that your 15 year old will be fine together. Why not do things on your own? Have you own fun week?

My dad hangs out with him a lot (he is local and they both like watching the same esoteric sport on TV). He's not so much worried that they won't be fine together as he is that he can't do all the activities that DS wants. He has a hard time saying no. For example, he and DS can both play pickleball, but DS is obviously in better shape, and when they are here, he always keeps my dad out longer than he wanted at it, and then my dad feels like crap. I think my dad just needs to draw better limits. He is a quiet guy and not super assertive guy and it is hard for him to do that.

Tell your son that. He is old enough to understand. Tell him, "Grandpa is worried he won't be able to keep up with you. I would love for you to have a weekend just with Grandpa. But please, keep Grandpa's health in mind. He won't tell you when he is tired so you need to be extremely respectful and not overdo it. Promise me."

[Anonymous]

Also, your dad is not a child. He can tell your son that he is tired. Gosh, it must be hard mothering both of them, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would people think of the idea of me going separately, staying in a different hotel, and meeting up with DS to do the activities that Grandpa cannot do? There are some shows and museums that I would like to see on my own, and I have a friend from graduate school and my former SIL who I would like to see.

It's hard to explain. DS is not a rude kid, really, and we don't fight. It is just a mostly polite relationship that is sort of distant. He has ADHD and I spend a lot of time reminding him of things and helping him. There is not a lot of conflict but also not a lot of fun.

Make it two separate trips. He goes with just grandpa this time and they do only the activities that they can safely do together.

Then another time you and he go away for a more active trip where you can build more fun into your relationship.

And you need to work on your day to day relationship with your son. I get it -- one of my kids is autistic and the other has ADHD -- there is nagging but there also has to be fun. But this trip with grandpa is not the time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe shorten the time? A weekend in NYC. Dad sets tihe itinerary so if he wants to schedule 2 hours of hotel down time in afternoon he can. If Times Square is too much leave it out and see a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what an amazing son you raised.
He told you his feelings they are valid. Listen to him.

Give your son the grace to go with his grandfather alone and have a fabulous memory for a lifetime.

You are a grown up act like one.

This. This. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be thrilled that my son wanted an outing with just him and his grandfather.

Same

[Anonymous]

Also, your dad is not a child. He can tell your son that he is tired. Gosh, it must be hard mothering both of them, huh?

I get what you are saying. My mom was very assertive and they worked well as a couple, but now that she has passed and he is on his own, it's sort of a struggle for him.

[Anonymous]

I find that my some is so much more empathetic, patient and aware of his grandparents needs that we are. Explain the issue to your son and let him impress you.

[Anonymous]

Where is his dad in this? Maybe he’s really craving a male bonding moment?

I wouldn’t be mad though. He’s being honest and it wasn’t said to be hurtful.

[Anonymous]

And don’t crash their weekend to do things you want to do. Plan a separate trip if you want to go see museums and shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants to have a special trip with his grandfather. The dynamic will be different if you’re there.

This. And, not to put too fine a point on it, but he may have a better appreciation of our collective mortality than you. How many more chances does he have for a 1:1 trip with grandpa?

Be happy for their relationship and set up your own special trip with him.

[Anonymous]

Where is his dad in this? Maybe he’s really craving a male bonding moment?

They have some relationship, but not super close. They see each other every other weekend or so. It's not a hostile relationship, they get food and game a bit. I don't get the sense that DS wants to see him more often. My ex doesn't live in our school district, and DS doesn't have friends near where my ex lives. I don't think my ex is a terrible guy or a deadbeat, but also not necessarily someone who is really into being a dad.

[Anonymous]

I think it's wonderful that your DC wants to have a weekend alone with his grandfather.
I get that the way he said it was a bit blunt, so you could let him know that the WAY he spoke felt hurtful to you, but I wouldn't disregard the message even if it could have been stated more tactfully. You can point out the rudeness of his statement and that he consider the positive phrasing ("I'd really like to have the time 1:1 with grandpa") vs the negative phrasing ("I don't want you there") in the future.

But then, I'd simply explain that grandpa won't be physically capable of some of the activities he was looking forward to. If he wants the trip with grandpa, he has to scale back. This isn't a punishment, it's for grandpa's health and safety. Be specific - you can't do X, you need to limit Y to a certain number of miles/hours/minutes, etc. If he still wants the 1:1 trip, great! If not, you could compromise by going along but having set times or activities that you join them for vs heading off on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also, your dad is not a child. He can tell your son that he is tired. Gosh, it must be hard mothering both of them, huh?

I get what you are saying. My mom was very assertive and they worked well as a couple, but now that she has passed and he is on his own, it's sort of a struggle for him.

Trust that DS and Grandpa will figure out something together, in their own way.