Going back to my old cult for a wedding - survival tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all suck. I need advice, but instead you made fun of me. Shame on you!!

You got sucked into a cult and you are scolding others?

Yes. I don’t go around making fun of others. I don’t kick people when they’re down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this is real--
You go because you've move beyond this toxic influence. Be supportive of the bride. Stick close to your spouse. Minimize your contact with the cult leaders. Leave as soon as you politely can. Have an escape plan or a refuge where you can go if it's too overwhelming.
Don't worry about how you look. These people no longer have an influence over your life and this probably will be the last time you see most of them, so who cares what they think.

Assuming this is real --
Exact opposite advice compared to PP above. You do not go, because you are already approaching this trip from a place of increasing uncertainty which could make you vulnerable. Why step back into a group of people who were so damaging to you and derailed your life? Why step back in to "support" someone who should be willing to protect you from these people, if she knows the real things you endured at their hands? If the bride truly is your best friend, she will understand that you shouldn't be at the wedding, and if she (still being in the cult, I guess) can't understand, she should forgive, and if she can't forgive, she was never your best friend to begin with, OP.

It's worrying that you say, OP, that not going is "not an option." Of course it's an option, and the healthiest one for you. You do not owe anyone your presence, even your friend, even if you said yes to being her MOH. It is not a command performance, and you already are going into this feeling as if they'll be staring at you. Your true strength will be in saying, no, I choose not to go be among people who manipulated me and still manipulate others. You do not have to go in order to show off how great you're doing now--they won't see that anyway. In fact they may prey on you while you're there, to make you feel as if you need them again. If your friend truly had any understanding f how badly they deraileded your life (does she? Have you ever told her? did she believe you?), she would understand that you don't want to be around these people. Because, OP, is the issue that you don't want them to see your weight -- or is the real issue that you don't want to see the cult people? I wonder if the worry about weight is a diversion when you really are worried about being back among these horrible people.

Tell your therapist every detail. And know that "No" is a perfectly fine option. Your friend should not guilt you if she is truly a friend.

[Anonymous]

OP wrote: “I think I have trauma from Walt’s church/cult and I’m not ready to be with those people again…but I want to be supportive of my best friend.”

You shouldn’t have to put yourself in a harmful situation to be supportive of her. It’s not just about how good a friend you are, but she also needs to be a good friend to you. And she shouldn’t want to put you through a painful situation that you’re not ready to deal with.

Think carefully — will being her MOH also require you to host or attend other wedding-related events, like a shower, a bachelorette party or weekend, a rehearsal dinner? It may be much more than you can bear. Tell her that you greatly value her friendship, and that you’re honored that she asked you, but you can’t take on the role of her MOH because you’re just not emotionally ready to be back there at the church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this is real--
You go because you've move beyond this toxic influence. Be supportive of the bride. Stick close to your spouse. Minimize your contact with the cult leaders. Leave as soon as you politely can. Have an escape plan or a refuge where you can go if it's too overwhelming.
Don't worry about how you look. These people no longer have an influence over your life and this probably will be the last time you see most of them, so who cares what they think.

Assuming this is real --
Exact opposite advice compared to PP above. You do not go, because you are already approaching this trip from a place of increasing uncertainty which could make you vulnerable. Why step back into a group of people who were so damaging to you and derailed your life? Why step back in to "support" someone who should be willing to protect you from these people, if she knows the real things you endured at their hands? If the bride truly is your best friend, she will understand that you shouldn't be at the wedding, and if she (still being in the cult, I guess) can't understand, she should forgive, and if she can't forgive, she was never your best friend to begin with, OP.

It's worrying that you say, OP, that not going is "not an option." Of course it's an option, and the healthiest one for you. You do not owe anyone your presence, even your friend, even if you said yes to being her MOH. It is not a command performance, and you already are going into this feeling as if they'll be staring at you. Your true strength will be in saying, no, I choose not to go be among people who manipulated me and still manipulate others. You do not have to go in order to show off how great you're doing now--they won't see that anyway. In fact they may prey on you while you're there, to make you feel as if you need them again. If your friend truly had any understanding f how badly they deraileded your life (does she? Have you ever told her? did she believe you?), she would understand that you don't want to be around these people. Because, OP, is the issue that you don't want them to see your weight -- or is the real issue that you don't want to see the cult people? I wonder if the worry about weight is a diversion when you really are worried about being back among these horrible people.

Tell your therapist every detail. And know that "No" is a perfectly fine option. Your friend should not guilt you if she is truly a friend.

Thank you so much for your reply!

I think most of my issues truly have to do with weight. I have discussed with Elizabeth what Steve and Walt did that was harmful, and she said they’ve changed a lot since then and acknowledged that what they were trying to do was too extreme. Of course, I would appreciate it if they would acknowledge that to me, but I’m sure they never will.

I was gorgeous when I lived there and was part of the cult. I weighed 105…now I’m 205 and much older. They will say my life has gone downhill.

I lost 10 pounds last month, but I am sure I cannot lose enough to make a difference.

Elizabeth supported me through a lot when I was in the cult. I used to cry a lot, and cut myself, and she was there when I tried to kill myself. No one ever suggested hospitalization or residential treatment…I assume because Steve didn’t want others to know about his practices, but I would have benefited from residential treatment back then. Maybe they would have helped me get out of the cult earlier.